Survival Mode

I have many reasons to be in this mode, most of which for what my husband is going through right now with his family. My mother gave me some wise advice when I got married - "Protect your in-laws." And that's what I'll do, but it's safe to say that I'm worried for Matt and his family. I'm not sure what will happen, I have never been in this situation before. Matt is in Seattle now, and I can only support him in what he chooses to do from here on out. If you pray, please pray for his family. If you send loving/supportive thoughts/energy, please do so. I'm worried.

As for me, I'm in survival mode for other things too. Personal things that are slowly being uncovered and I don't want to get into on the internets. I am still mad, still angry, still pissy and moody. Not a pleasant person to be around these days. I'm easily distracted and just want to escape. I think Cindy said it best in a blog post a few months ago - "I just don't feel like being responsible today." Except instead of one day, it's been many days and I need to keep going, to keep living.

I wish I could say more, but really I just wanted to get this out in the open, where I'm at and where I stand. I thoguht I'd get out of this mode in a few days but I think it will be a few weeks, maybe a month or more. I just have to ride this wave and see where it goes.

P.S. We did have some fun last night, thank goodness!

New SLO location!

To have my new blog as part of my upcoming website, I had to move it to wordpress. Sorry for the confusion but best I take care of this now rather than later on!

http://liveslo.wordpress.com.

Hope you'll visit soon!

I finally understand our economy's troubles!

The Crisis of Credit Visualized from Jonathan Jarvis on Vimeo.

Thanks to Katy for posting this video in the first place! :)

Mood

I'm just in a funk today. Nothing bad has happened. Went swimming at the fabulous outdoor pool with Gayvin, went to the farmer's market, picked up yummy veggies and had a delicious lunch. Pagie B came over for a bit and now I'm wandering the internets in search of something to help me feel better (this is why I don't keep snack food in the house -- emotional eating is not good for me). I don't really want to be around anyone now, don't want to talk about "it", just in a funk. I don't want anyone to make me feel better, I just want to let it pass without feeling the pressure to have to be perky and happy.

I hate this mood. Maybe I should go take a nap and see if that helps get rid of it.

Momentary Financial Panic

About once a month, I go through a momentary panic where I truly believe we're going to run out of money tomorrow, that no raises are coming, investors and managers won't sign Matt, movies won't get made and we'll be left in the dust, broke and heartbroken.

Yes, I'm being dramatic, but at midnight that's about the best I can do.

I worry that we'll have to move back to Seattle. I worry that we'll have to move in with my Dad or his folks and be reliant on others rather than ourselves. I worry that we'll never not be broke, that we'll never stop living paycheck to paycheck. I worry that I'll never stop worrying and yet I'm always hoping that maybe next month, maybe next year, things will be better.

I've been talking about how confident I am about our financial situation but the truth is I'm terrified. Really and truly. I don't know what's going to happen in the next few years. We want a house of our own, and a child. But there's this giant black cloud of graudate student loans in deferement that seems like it will never be paid off. Our monthly bills aren't completely covered, even though we have cut costs significantly. More than significantly. I guess I shouldn't have bought that domain for my new website. And I didn't really need red flats. Shouldn't have gone to Disneyland today (even though we got in for free). See how I make myself feel better? Ugh.

I have to get creative. I have to be confident in the (occasional) fun (on sale/clearance) purchases I do make while sticking to a strict budget. We have to cut our grocery bill even more, and look into buying bottled water rather than continuing with the water delievery service. We've already cut cable and his health insurance payments went down.

I don't meant to whine, but this is definitely a sign of the times. I want to look back on this time in our lives and be proud of the decisions and choices we made rather than thinking What the eff did we DO?

Updated New Blog

Hi Folks!

I've been posting on my new blog http://liveslo.blogspot.com. It's full of tips for travling to this wonderful place and also includes some handy travel tips in general, especially useful during this tough economic time. Please follow it and/or check it out when you can. I'd love to hear your thoughts and suggestions! Postings will be up every M/W/F.

Thanks in advance!

P.S. We went to Disneyland today. Pictures to come!

Going UP?

There is nothing like hiking up and up to tell you how out of shape you are (still). But I did better than I thought I would, and overall yesterday morning was a perfect day for a hike at the Los Angeles National forest. We didn't find our original destination - the waterfall. Instead we stayed on the fire road (did I mention the trail went UP). My calves are still feeling it this morning!

A family pic.

Beautiful views all the way UP.

Paige and Katy rock!

The Early girls.

At the top!

Productivity

I am very proud of myself these last few days. I've been working out, resting when needed, having fun when the time arises, and spending my "off" working on my website with Paige T and researching for my SLO blog.

I definitely don't feel useless anymore. :)

We also bought our tickets for Seattle next month. We are going to Emily's wedding, and I can't wait. It's sure to be a fun and classy affair, as that's Em's personality.

Pondering Thoughts

I am really loving my life these days.

The man and I are doing so well, I'm nourishing relationships and releasing tension from others. I'm just feeling GOOD. And I like it! I can't explain why. Maybe it has to do with finding my career path and spending time being creative. I've taken to posting a few articles a month for a friend's blog which has included spending more time writing and editing my work. That has been so helpful because soon, I'll have my own website with my own content and be working on my creative process every single day. How exciting! I've also created a profile on YELP to encourage me to write reviews on restaurants that Matt and I go to.

There are some friends that I'm sorely out of touch with. You know who you are, and I'm really sorry. I promise to call this week and check in.

Now if I could just get back on track with eating better, I think I could upgrade from "good" to "excellent"...the no-drinking-soda is helping...

Awwwww, Freak Out! (Just a little)

I'm having moments of momentary panic and anxiety.

The development of my future website and the strong resurgence of commitment to my travel blog, finally figuring out my path and direction in life, it's all overwhelming. Exciting, definitely, but overwhelming in such a way that all I want to do is walk (or sometimes run) from the office as fast and as far away as possible. I have searched long and hard for some sort of direction in my life in terms of my career, and it's always been here, just waiting to be pursued. It's funny how we don't notice those things right that are right in front of us, yelling and waving to be noticed and cultivated.

In any case, I'm trying very hard to not pepper Paige A. with loads of questions about what to do because she already told me on Sunday what needs to happen next. I just have to settle my anxiety by getting things done. I must force myself to stay in this char and make progress!

Please check out my new blog and let me know what you think. It's really not all that new, but I'm really determined to post 3x a week so that maybe, just maybe, I could get sponsorship. This is what I love to do, and I'm hoping you'll be as excited as I am.

http://liveslo.blogspot.com

A Few Good Days

Yesterday was so much fun. My good friend Cindy and I spent the enitre day together. I could not document it better than she did, but I can at least sum up what happened.

She mentioned in a recent blog post that she was not having a good day, and I jumped at the chance to take her out and have a girls day. By the time Saturday rolled around I wasn't in the best of spirits but by the time I got to her place and we were out for our 3 mile walk, I was feelign better. Listening to her talk, I realized how much I've missed spending time with Cindy 1-on-1. As she said, we often hang out in a group setting, and while that is fun, we often miss out on opportunities to connect on a deeper level. Cindy is so wise and thoughtful. She really thinks before she speaks which is a trait that I really admire. It felt good to re-connect with her and our friendship is definitely stronger for it.

After our walk, we were all sweaty and gross, so we quickly refreshed and headed off to the lovely air-conditioned mall. After a yummy lunch, we headed to Macy's for which we both had gift cards. I asked her where she wanted to start -- it was a total zoo -- and she grimaced as she said "Shoes." Shopping for shoes isn't her favorite thing, and on a Saturday, it's not mine either. We walked with some trepidation but determined to find her some cute, fun work shoes. And find we did! She walked away with a very cute and sassy pair, that could be easily dressed up or dressed down, good for work and play -- multipurpose pumps! I found a cute pair of red ballet flats on clearance and with our gift cards we spent a minimal amount of cash. We were very proud of us.

After shopping, I treated Don and Cindy to iced coffees with the rest of my gift card and then headed back to their house. Matt had spent an hour in ugly traffic getting home from a film seminar so after a wonderful conversation with the two of them, Don and Cindy graciously gave me a ride home. It was a wonderful opportunity to show them our new place, and they loved it! It really meant a lot to me that our friends loved our new home. We started watching the pilot of "Big Love" (which I highly reccomend, Matt and I are enjoying it so far), but were pleasantly interupted by Ben and Corrie dropping by for dinner! They were in town for a film festival. We walked over the 1 block to Zankou Chicken, a fabulous and cheap Lebanese/Aremenian fast food chain with great portions and equally great prices. We had a nice relaxing meal, catching up and talking about previous escapades in Washington. We headed back to our place, shortly after which Don had to bow out and go home. Poor guy. He wasn't feeling well and was such a trooper during the evening.

All in all, I wasn't intending to spend the entire day with friends but I'm so glad I did. I think all of us were boosted by the positive engery that we got from being together. As my Mom said the day after our wedding: "That was fun. Can we do that again?"

Today I spent the afternoon with Paige A. She is a new friend from Dallas that I met through Paige B. She is an incredibly talented graphic designer/illustrator/all-around-awesome-artist that is helping Matt and I build a website. Matt needs one for his writing career, and I've finally figured out what it is that I want to be doing so I won't feel so useless. I want to creat a tourism website for San Luis Obispo county. After talking with Paige B. who offered great advice after calming me down during my melt-down, I really thought about how I want to be spending my time. What would make me happy? What do I look forward to doing? So in my meeting today, I really got excited about what I will be able to offer the potential visitor to the SLO area. It was great fun. I have so much work to do and yet I am excited about getting this work done. I am terrified and excited at the same time, but I have a fabulous support system and a network of truly talented professionals that are just as excited about helping me create my vision. How could life feel any better at this very moment? I'm not sure how!

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I try to make a point of not talking about my job on the internets because I don't know who will see this, who is reading, etc. But let me make it known that there are times when I wish I didn't work from home, where I wish I was in an office. The distractions, the computer crashes, the fact we only have one computer and BOTH Matt and I work from home...Right now I'm unable to connect to our inventory database which is creating a huge backlog in my work. I feel useless and bored, waiting for my coworkers to get in touch with me. They are so busy and overwhelmd at the office, while I just sit here, trying to be proactive in creating layouts when I have minimal information to go on.

I need to be grateful to have a job in this day and age, grateful that my commute consists of going from my bedroom to the kitchen to the office, grateful that I have such a flexible schedule. But right now I'm frustrated, aggravated, and frankly, bored to tears. Depression starts to settle in, which makes me angry and more depressed. Depression leads to other thoughts that I'd rather not think about -- stupid comments I've made, Mom, Grandpa, and other stressful situations.

I just hate feeling useless. I have to move on from this. Create my own work somehow while my co-workers go about their day. But how? When I can't connect to the database??

Argh. I will move on. It's just going to take me a few days.

And we need to get another computer. This is getting ridiculous.

Going out!

The lovely Jen and Dave at dinner.

Teh-Don and Jen.

My sweetie and me! This is my new favorite picture of us.

Happy Anniversary, Don and Cindy!

The drug-induced haze continues...

Yet last night at dinner, I was on Advil and could still drink 3 mini-glasses of red wine without feeling silly. I think those anti-oxidants from the wine really helped beacuse today I am starting to actually feel human again. I still sound incredibly nasaly, and my ears are still sensitive to noise, but I'm hopeful that in a few days, or at least by the end of the week, that I'll be back to normal again.

Last night we had a wonderful evening with friends. Jen and Dave were in town from Seattle and we got a few hours to catch up on what's new with them. Don and Cindy were there too and it was their 5th wedding anniversary -- congratulations you two! :) I finally got to meet Dave's sister, Jeannie, and their friend Garrett. Jeannie lives in West Hollywood and I know we'll be seeing her again soon as she and I hit it off instantly.

Tonight I may be heading out again for a birthday dinner. It feels so good to get out of the apartment after being bed and couch-ridden for the last few days.

Living through the haze

(For Emilie)

I caught the flu and a nasty head cold the other day so I'm in a drug-induced haze right now. Thank goodness we have heat and internet so I'm not going completely crazy. And I have to say that Matt is the best nurse-husband hands down. What a trooper!

Fashion Week in Las Vegas was amazing - you can read more here. (I have to say though, never EVER stay at the Trump Towers. What a miserable experience, but girlfriends make it better.)

The cats have definitely calmed down since the move. Now that we have heat they aren't running around like crazed felines trying to keep warm. I'm actually overheating because I'm so used to wearing so many layers during the day. We also have internet now, so we aren't completely cut off from the world anymore.

Now, back to bed. Thank goodness for the drugs that take away sinus pressure and fevers.

New home!

This weekend the rain stayed away (thank goodness) and the 2 of us plus 7 of our friends (thank you!) moved our belongings to Glendale on Saturday. We are making huge progress on getting settled in. The place is definitely starting to take shape. It's exciting! I'm at Don and Cindy's now, using their internet connection because ours still isn't set up yet. No cable and no internet -- it's like we're stuck in the 80's! Anyway, I have to get going as Cindy needs the laptop back. Pictures and more updates to come later.

Gearing Up

We move a week from today. And I must say it's hard to think of leaving this place. Not just our apartment but this building. This neighborhood. When we first moved here I was so terrified and stressed out. Fast forward three and a half years later, and we've made a life here. Friends that are our family, weather that I can't live without, and jobs that we both enjoy (for the most part). So while I'm excited to move on and start anew, leaving this place will be a little more painful that the other moves. Our live in L.A. started here. But we have other places to go. :)

It is amusing to see how the older 2 cats, PJ and Quinn, know what's going on when things start disappearing into boxes. But Bean...she's kind of freaking out, though enjoying the jungle gym that the stack of boxes have created. It's pretty cute.

Self-Portraits

Sleepyhead

I don't know what is going on. Am I hibernating? What's the deal? Last night I slept 9 hours, the night before I slept 11, and the night before that I slept another 9 hours. Sleep has been a struggle for me these last few months so it's kind of a nice shocker that I can sleep now. Matt has been so quiet these last few mornings so I don't even wake up when he gets up (which is unusual, I'm normally a very sensitive sleeper). It's been great for my skin and those puffy circles under my eyes have been disappearing over the last few days.

But I'm finding that life as a lazy, sleepy teenager is not one that I want to live. Case in point --missing out on a get together this morning with friends. I'm ticked at myself because I was looking forwad to seeing them. I will have to make more of an effort this next weekend to see them, and not sleep in so late.

Work It!

I really committed to my workout this week. When I showed up this morning, my trainer commented that he was impressed with my turnout and asked what my motivation was. I said "Hawaii in May, that's my goal!" He nodded and said he'd help get me there. I feel so good after exercising. My stress level is down, I am more aware of what I'm eating, and I feel so much better about myself. My muscles are getting bigger too! I can definitely notice more definition in my clothes, specially my jeans. Matt pointed out that I've started losing weight again, in my face and neck. While I haven't lost weight, I've lost inches and that's huge. I feel so much better about my body when my clothes fit better. I find that I'm also inspired by all of my girlfriends who work out on a regular basis. We check in on each other, and that's so encouraging and helpful!

Working Hard or Hardly Working?

I feel like doing this too. But then I'd probably break the printer. And I wouldn't get a paycheck.

Early Morning Thoughts

(I'm going to miss our building! *sniff*)

I'm going to miss our neighborhood. I'll miss the 4-block walk to the store, the fabulous restaurants within walking distance (at least they offer valet parking so we can come back at any time), and the quirky people that live here.

I'll miss our neighbors -- Matt and Jessica and Steve and Wendy, and Jamie too -- They've all been fantastic. We watch out for each other, and even take turns watching each other's kitties when the others are gone. I can't lie -- having cat sitters just down the hall has been wonderful. But the friendships are what I'll miss the most -- being able to just call them up and see if they want to hang out, go to the store, etc. Even carpooling to various events is extremely easy.

I packed up my bookcase yesterday. It's so empty. A sad sight. This is real. We're leaving this place. I know we're not going far, but this building was our first home in a city where we didn't know anyone. Los Angeles terrified me in ways that I wasn't prepared for. I had panic attacks, sleepless nights, and plain ol' amazement at this city of millions. As far as our apartment goes, this was an upgrade that we needed at the time. We expected a bit more from the entertainment industry (hindsight is 20/20), and thought we could make this place work, financially. It's been a lovely home, and as with the other places we've lived in, it will be hard to see this one empty. (Except for the little Puyallup house. The best move we ever made was leaving that house!) But it's time for a new resident in this place, and hopefully they'll love it as much as we have over these last 18 months.

I'm really going to miss having a dishwasher. I have been thinking about how I have never not had one, so this will be a challenge for me. I'll have to clean up dishes as I go, that will make it much easier.

I'm not going to miss the chaotic sounds of the sirens wailing by all the time. I won't miss the crazy people down below, yelling and screaming at each other at night. I won't miss the sound of the commuting hours, with cranky people honking at eachother to move somewhere else, the sound of brakes coming to a screeching halt to either miss a car (thankfully) or else I get to enjoy the awful sound of mental crunching. Like the time I heard that hit & run? Fantastic. (Luckily no one was hurt.)

How does Matt sleep so easily? This drives me crazy! Of course he's been working really hard. Most of his time at home is spent getting ready for bed, falling asleep, and then getting ready to leave in the morning.

Brie and Steve, thank you so much for the wine from Europe! It's fantastic, and I just wish I could read the back of the label so I could figure out where to get more of this lovely adult grape juice!

Things to do:

My mind is just reeling with all that we have to get done in the next 3 weeks. And yes, while I work from home, I've actually had stuff to do and things to learn -- I'm not a graphic designer by nature so I'm learning as I go and it's fun but kind of frustrating -- this means I'm not sitting around all day twidling my thumbs and wishing for something to do. So the last few days, towards the end of the day, I've spent an hour to two hours on the phone with vendors. Changing the address, getting our new land line phone number, canceling Time Warner Cable (HECK YEAH!! They don't service our new city!! We have to stay in Glendale forever for this reason.), setting up new accounts, changing the addres with the post office, etc etc etc. Did I mention that we have to pay our new rent at the start of the month in addition to possibly owing about 1/2 month's rent to our current place? Don't get me started, it's 2am and I'm cranky.

In any case, I am very excited about our new place. For those of you on Facebook, I posted pictures of it unfurnished so you can see what it looks like. I'm thinking of getting some area rugs eventually, to add some warmth and color, but first we'll have to play around with the arrangement of furniture and save some money. After all, our checking account is taking a bit of an unexpected hit this month. But that's ok, because in the long run, this will all be worth it.

Thank goodness for fitness bootcamp. If I wasn't exercising regulary (in addition to going to my counseling sessions once a week), I think my head might explode!

Movin' on up

We got the apartment in Glendale! :) Current thoughts I'm having...

Thought of moving again - Ick...

Thought of no dishwasher - Eh, s'okay, we can make do...

Thought of more closet space - Yes please!

Thougts of hardwood floors - Love!

Thoughts of bathroom counter? - We can make it work.

Thoughts about saving $500 a month? - YES!!

We'll be moving at the end of the month. Emails will go out with our new address when the time gets closer.

Patience isn't a virtue of mine.

With the recession and Matt getting laid off from his part time job, our finances are incredibly tight. So this week we started looking around for cheaper places to live, something in the neighborhood that is much cheaper and could save us up to 600 bucks a month. So far, I'm checking out two places tomorrow - one in Glendale and one in Valley Village. Saturday we are going to visit one in Silverlake, and that's the one I really want. It's still in our neighborhood, the price is right, the area is adorable, and the apartment even has a deck! Not only that, we'd be saving over $500 a month, which is HUGE. So, again, I'm really excited and hope that it's the place we are meant to be, but I just have to be patient and see what happens.

Of course, all this talk of saving money means that we aren't eating out nearly as much as we used to. I'm enjoying meal planning much more and with my weight loss goal in check, I love looking up new and healthy recipes. Yesterday I went back to fitness bootcamp and while my muscles were screaming at me that it had been a long time since they'd been worked this way, today I'm not sore. At all. Which means I'm getting used to this! I'll certainly go back tomorrow, and plan on going every M/W/F for the next five weeks. I plan on going in February too, and then might cut back on the bootcamp so I can go to yoga more often. Again, I just have to be patient and enjoy where I'm at right now. At least I've gone down one dress size, and I'm feeling really good about that!

Holiday Letter

For those of you who didn't receive it, here's our end-of-year letter...

~ Camille & Matt's 2008 Holiday Update ~

2008 was a year of minor triumphs and enduring frustrations. It was a year of pulling weeds and planting seeds. A year of too much travel, more separately than together, that left us craving our cat-infested apartment. A year we escaped as much as enjoyed. We celebrated cousin Leah’s wedding in Fairfield in the summer. In the autumn, we celebrated our seventh anniversary in Cambria on the central California coast. And more than once we snuck away to the Edna Valley to replenish our wine rack and leave the flashy noise machine that is Los Angeles in the rearview.

In June, Camille left Ajilon to work full-time for Northwest Art Glass. She oversees the creation of the product catalogs from the home office. In August, she entered her 4th decade by celebrating her 30th birthday at a Venice Beach barbeque. Her paternal grandfather sadly passed away in November. In December, following her father’s knee surgery, Camille flew to Seattle to play nurse and cook him two weeks worth of leftovers. As usual, she’s made many new friends this year and continues to ponder when she’ll return to the world of Community Theater.

Despite the WGA strike that began the year, Matt maintained steady if not glamorous work in Hollywood. In April, he traveled to Las Vegas to attend the GAMA Trade Show where he and a couple other Dead Gentlemen promoted the Demon Hunters Role-Playing Game, released by Margaret Weis Productions. In August, Matt’s feature debut as a writer/director, The Gamers: Dorkness Rising, was released on DVD by Anthem Pictures. Dorkness quickly became Anthem’s fastest and best-selling DVD. The film screened at several conventions, including the world-renowned Comic Con in San Diego.

With a team that included an Emmy-award winning producer and an agent from Paradigm, Matt pitched his sci-fi TV show Hopjockey at four networks: ABC Family, the Sci-Fi Channel, the CW, and the Cartoon Network (oddly enough). Matt’s zombie horror TV show ALIVE, which he co-created with Star Trek veterans Judith & Garfield Reeves-Stevens, came within a meeting of being picked up by AMC. The producers on both teams are confident their shows will find a home, in some form.In September, Matt joined the staff at Epic Level Entertainment in Studio City, where he works part-time. The end of the year finds him writing another animated sitcom pilot for Israeli producers.

In December, under increasing pressure from Camille, Matt wrote this letter. He hopes nothing significant happens next year so he won’t have to write another. Camille just slapped him in the back of the head.

2009 promises more trips to the Pacific Northwest, a venture to Hawaii in May to celebrate Julia’s graduation, and a possible trek to visit family in Santa Rosa and San Francisco in the summer or fall (or whenever Matt wants a free meal).

We wish you many happy celebrations this holiday season, and good tidings in the New Year!

Much love,
Camille & Matt

Southwest Bound

Today we head back to L.A. While I'm looking forward to sleeping in my own bed and cooking in a kitchen that I'm familiar with, it's always hard to leave this place. Sometimes Matt and I think of moving back, especially when we see the cheaper rent prices in Tacoma. But that's not enough (yet) to pull us back. We are in L.A. for a reason, and we're going to do our very best to see that our time in L.A. is well spent. I intend to shop more at the farmer's markets and watch the sales at our local grocery stores. Katy is starting off the year with a great idea - Make It Yourself Parties - which should help ease the strain on the budget.

Matt and I have lots of plans for this year. As my MIL says, "Life is what happens when you're making plans." Hopefully some of our plans will happen, and some of them probably won't. I hope I can keep an open mind and be more patient.

Happy New Year!

I always make resolutions, and ultimately I reach them in some way. I only have a few this year, and of course, one is to loose weight. But I need to stop measuring myself on the scale because the more I work out, the stronger my muscles get and I start loosing inches, which is good! I'm down to a size 10 now, which is FABuLOUS! I love it. This just encourages me to go to fitness bootcamp more regularly.

I have a big motivator for this year - a trip to Hawaii in May. So not only do I want to lose a few inches, I also want to get healthy, and that means eating better. I start January 5th, focusing on low-fat but tasty foods. Cooking light and the cooking blog will be very helpful, as will the Master Cook program which tells me how much fat and how many calories are in the dishes we eat.

I am on my way to becoming a better person, sharing time and energy with friends and family. I enjoy cooking more and more and have found that it's ok to say "no" when I don't want to do something. At the same time, I'm becoming more open to new experiences while attempting to be more thrifty.

More on this later, I must join my MIL for another game of Scrabble! May you have a joyous, happy and prosperous 2009!

Northwest Bound

This afternoon we are finally on our way to the lovely Pacific Northwest. Because of the snow, our trip has been cut in half: from 10 days to 5, but we will make it work. With a wedding, a party, and a few friendly get togethers along with family gatherings, it it sure to be a busy but memorable trip.

And please, mother nature, please keep the snow at bay while we're up there!

We had a very pleasant first Christmas in L.A. this year. Matt wrote everything I wanted to say, so you can read all about it here.

And with that, I must go. The cab will be here any minute! Happy New Year to all!

P.S. I have to add that Christmas with palm trees just isn't the same.

Christmas Traditions in L.A.

This is going to be our first Christmas away from our families, and yet, we will be with family this Christmas.

We have many friends who are here for this special time of year and feel very grateful that we have places to go and things to do. And we are grateful that we are home and comfortable. My heart goes out to those who are still fighting to go home via plane, train, and bus.

Last night I made some of my Christmas presents and then we decorated the tree. Matt even said that next year we could get a real one or a bigger fake one! :) We watched Chronicles of Narnia with cups of tea, and then Nathan came over. We ordered pizza, drank beer, and watched old episodes of The Simpsons. Poor guy has to work today and tomorrow!

Today I'll finish the Christmas presents, get some wrapping done and go shopping for Matt's stocking (something else I didn't plan for). Tonight we'll have a get-together with friends (Jeremy, Katy, Paige A, and hopefully Matt and Jessica). Tomorrow we'll catch a movie or two (hopefully Nathan will join us) in the morning, and then head to Pasadena for dinner with Gayvin, Eric, and their 4 year old son, Jack.

While we have plans, and are grateful for all that we have here in L.A., I am still missing my family and our traditions. I know there is no time like the present to start our own, I guess because this was so unexpected I am not prepared for these emotions. It's a bit of a rollercoaster. Having our place decorated is so important to me, and yes, we have our tree, and our stockings are on the wall, and I really hope we can hang some lights tonight.

It just occured to me why this is so hard. My mom. She made Christmas so special. Presents were artfully presented under the tree, with the main gift or gifts not wrapped in boxes. I remember one year, when I was 10...I had begged and begged for an American Girl Doll, specifically Kirsten. I wanted her because everyone else I knew had Samantha or Kirsten, and I felt she deserved some attention, and I loved her story. Anyway, come Christmas morning - must've been around 5am - I went upstairs and there she was!! Just waiting for me as if she had planned the trip herself. I was so beyond thrilled. There were some other things I got that year, that were out on display, so I carefully removed her from under the tree and then bolted to my parents bedroom to share my excitement. They smiled, gave me a hug, and promptly told me to go back to bed, that it was too early. So I went back to my bedroom, but took my new doll with me. Over the years, I got more outfits and even her trunk and bed. Now she's in storage, awaiting perhaps our future daughter to play with her.

But I digress. Mom was an artist, and her artistic ways really shone through when the holidays came up. Advent calendars on the wall, stockings, decorations, our tree with all of our old ortaments, the one year we got Coconut and she was quite lively so we got a small tree and put it on a table so she couldn't destroy the ortaments. There was just something so cozy and warm about the house, the love and attention she put into the details. And the cooking...oh my gawd, the food was delicious! All kinds of Christmas cookies, the baked ham, mashed potatoes, brownies, Keith's chocolates, egg nog and homemade apple cider...YUM!! My Dad said they don't even have a tree this year, no decorations, and I doubt he'll even hang stockings. I hope weather permits Diane and Gregg to make it to his house for Christmas dinner. Hopefully a neighbor will offer to drive him to church.

Like I said before, it's a mix of emotions this year. I'm happy to be in L.A. and not dealing with the stress of traveling somewhere, but I'm also missing my family and traditions. It's up to me to try and keep those traditions going while creating new ones and making the old ones work for our little family. With this being our first Christmas away from the Pacific Northwest, I think we're doing pretty well so far. :)

So far, not so good.

For those of you who haven't heard, our flight was cancelled last night.

I have been trying to get ahold of Alaska Airlines since 8:15pm. The last attempt I made before going to bed was around 11pm, and this morning, well I tried just now and everything is still busy. I'm not sure if we'll get out today or even tomorrow if I can't get ahold of anyone. I might venture out to Burbank Airport and check out the line at the Alaska desk, see if there's a long line. But at this point, so many people are in the same situation as me, it might be easier to to wait it out. I want to be proactive, so maybe I will just go to the airport and see if someone, preferably a nice ticketing agent who hasn't been up all night, can help me.

I also will be calling Customer Care at Alaska Airlines, and getting the phone number for Kari C.'s well reccomended travel agent. She might be able to help.

We have a few offers from friends down here to spend Christmas with them should our plans completely fall through, which has been wonderfuly comforting. We can always celebrate Christmas with the family next month if this wacky weather and inability to get ahold of the airlines continues.

Thank you for all your suggestions on warm weather ideas and travel suggestions!

Getting prepared

So in order to prepare for the wintery Pacific Northwest, I'm trying to figure out how I'll stay warm. I have a ton of scarves, a few wool coats, and my Eddie Bauer parka is at my Dad's. Can't find any of my hats as of yet, and to see how bad the weather is, I checked the flight status today of the flight we're supposed to take tomorrow.

And it was cancelled! Effing cancelled! Trying to not panic right now. Seriously, there is nothing I can do. I don't control the weather!

Of course this means we might get to sleep in tomorrow. :D

However, this puts a kink into our plans, so in a way I hope we do make it. You can bet that I'll be up this early tomorrow to see if our flight is still on.

Any suggestions of what else I should bring to stay warm? Hot cocoa perhaps (with a shot of brandy)?

My latest obsession

I don't know where this comes from, and I know it's overly played on the radio. That wasn't enough for me. I had to go out and buy the CD. I listen to this song every chance I get, mostly when I'm alone because Matt's sick of it. But we spent a week figuring out the lyrics (I looked them up on line and we were almost dead on), and now it's even more fun to listen to.

I heard this song for the first time about a month ago, and it was as if the musical part of my persona had finally woken up. I used to be obsessed with music and bands, seeing concerts and listening to all different kids of bands. I don't know what happened, maybe it was after Mom died, or I just got really comfortable with my favorite singers. Maybe I got tired of the latest brand of Pop music, I'm not sure. But what I am sure of is that this song means so much to me, ..."for reasons I can't explain" (thank you, Chris Martin).

I have told Matt on many occasions that the next band I'm seeing in concert is Coldplay. They were in Orange County twice last month and I missed them, but hopefully they'll be back. And when they are, I'll be singing along with them...from the nosebleed seats.

And if you are sick of the song, I reccomend that you don't play the video. This song tends to stick in your head for awhile.

Isn't she beautiful?

(Photo courtesy The Seattle Times.)

And I'm home!

It feels so good to be home. Hubby, kitties, christmas tree, and a little junk food. Ah, life is good.

Dad is doing well for the most part. Yesterday we had a bit of anger due to him not being able to walk - and he won't be able to for the next 2 months - but it all worked out and he's feeling ok for now. I was a cooking queen - I made 2 lasagnas, lentil soup, lamb stew, and sausage/spinach soup. Dad is on a pain medication that's taken every 4 hours, and he has to take it with food. He yummed up the meals that I cooked, and so I froze all the leftovers so he can have some healthy meals while I'm gone. The healthy food has helped keep his nausea at bay which is excellent news. It's no fun to be bed or couch ridden, in pain, fading in & out from pain meds, and not being able to keep food down. We're all hoping for a safe and speedy recovery.

It was hard to leave yesterday, and yet it wasn't. I could have stayed another week, but I knew I had to leave. I can't be there all the time, every minute of every day. It's exhausting. And this was my first experience at being the #1 caretaker. When Mom was dying, it was easy to let others take over. But this time it was just me and my sister, and with Katie taking the ACT test and having a college interview last weekend, it was primarily up to me to make sure that everything was taken care of. It was harder than I thought it would be, but I didn't get emotional seeing my Dad like I thought I would. I'm also grateful that he's now my boss. How else could I travel up there in an instance to help out?

Speaking of travel, I'll never forget the time when Cindy commented that we Mesmers travel a lot. Yes, yes we do, and frankly I'm looking forward to a month without a plane trip. But this Christmas holiday should be really fun. We'll see family, of course, but I'm hopeful that we can see some friends that we've not seen in a very very long time. It will all balance out and instead of stressing out, I'm going to do my best and just roll with the days. I will enjoy my time and cause Matt less stress if I can just relax and go with the flow this year.

Here I go again...

I'm off to the Northwest. Again.

Now while all this travel seems wonderful and perhaps slightly glamourous, it's really not. Come Christmas, it will have been my 4th trip to Washington in the last 2 months. And frankly I'm starting to get a little travel tipsy. I check my bags so I deal with the cranky security people as little as possible. I dress properly so I can get dressed quickly after practically de-robing at security. I know I've been traveling a lot because I recognized a few flight attendants on my way home last time!! That is NOT ok.

This time I am heading up for a few days to help my Dad during the first few days of his surgery. His knee is not well, there's 4 things wrong with it, so I'm heading up to help him get settled and also cook a bunch of meals for him. Meals that he and my sister can just pop in the microwave or heat up on the stove. So I've been double meal planning which has been fun, and also exploring some new recipes. I hope they turn out well. I also sent out an email to some of my family members, asking for some new recipes so that Dad doesn't get bored. (Thanks to Uncle Gregg for offering to come over on Friday and help out!)

I'm a bit worried about how everything is going to turn out. Dad is getting older and I'm afraid that I'm just going to have a mini-meltdown seeing him unable to move. I know it will only be temporary, and that he's in great health. But it's not easy watching your parents get older, no matter how healthy they are.

(insert plea for a ride to Sea-Tac on Sunday afternoon here)

An Unexpected Saturday

I didn't have plans this weekend.

Well that's not totally true. Matt and I went to see Stephanie Paige's show on Friday night. We got all dolled up and had a great time. It was opening night and the cast was really excited and had first night jitters. Definitely got me in the spirit of the season! Afterwards, we waited around for Paige, and she came out all glow-ey (and looking slightly relieved that the first night was over with) and full of smiles. I was so excited for her - this is just the beginning of her performing career in L.A.!

I wound up spending the day with Sarah, a new friend of mine and a very close and dear friend of Paige's. She's fascinating - a pilot for SkyWest Airlines. It was a very warm day - mid 70's - and so without our jackets, we set off for The Grove, a must see for any visitor to L.A. An outdoor mall connected to the farmer's market that screams "Los Angeles is the center of the world, SEE???" Complete with a giant Christmas tree with a fountain choreographed to christmas carols, I guess there's nothing like that plus blue sky and palm trees to get a couple of Pacific Northwesterners into the spirit of the season.

Poor Sarah. She's not the biggest fan of kids (which we talked about at length) and it being a Saturday afternoon, there were kids EVERYWHERE. Not to mention we had to pass by Santa's house a few times, which I have to say Sarah was an absolute trooper. I had a great time with her. It's always fun getting to make new friends (I know I sound like I'm 12, but it's true), and I don't think we stopped talking the entire time. We went to Banana Republic, Barnes and Noble, had lunch at The Farm (and for dessert, had a giant home-made oreo cookie - YUM!), and looked at the American Girl store - turns out we both had Kirsten as kids - and discussed that lots of people must've gotten busy early on this spring because there were babies all over the place.

We headed back to the valley - I had to get her to Paige's work in time for Paige to leave to get to the theater - and bismally failed at finding dinner for Paige. There are no teriyaki places! Just sushi. Everywhere. So I dropped them off, came home exhausted and hung out at home. Then 1am rolled around and the 3 of us headed out to Fred 62, a funky 24hr diner in my neighborhood that has a huge menu and great food. We talked, we laughed, and promptly got sleepy after eating a very late dinner. They dropped me off, we said our goodbyes, and I don't know about them, but I felt it was a great ending to an unexpected Saturday.

This says it all!

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Curs-sed Thoughts Keeping Me Awake...

I'm having trouble sleeping.

For no particular reason other than I can't stop thinking.

About all sorts of things. Random memories. And "memories" that haven't occured. Like meeting my friends' kids for the first time, and what our eventual kids will look like. Wondering what will happen to my Dad after he has surgery next week (knee surgery, and yes I'm heading up again). Random high school pep assembly memories popped in tonight, screaming with my friends "NINETY SIX" at the top of my lungs as though it were the most important thing ever. I think about Mom and if she'd be proud of me (maybe a little frustrated). I think about my sister and hope she'll sort her life out someday. I think about my friends and how eternally grateful I am for such wonderful people. And I think about my marriage, this incredible man in my life who puts up with my mood swings, my random phrases, and how much closer we've grown together in this last year, even in the last few months.

I'm not sure how to turn my brain off. I'm exercising like I should, try to not eat sugar after 9pm, and don't watch tv. I read. Maybe I shouldn't do that either because I start thinking about the characters and the time I went to my favorite author's book signing (it was so much fun. She used to write for the Cosby Show and do stand up comedy in NYC years ago. I laughed so hard). Should I go talk to my doctor about a sleeping pill? Tylenol PM seems to do the job if I take it early enough. I just don't want it to become a habit. I've got an addictive personality.

Any suggestions?

I'm starting to get tired again now. I'll stay up a little later and see if I can just exhaust myself. And no work out for me. I can't run 2-3 miles in the morning on 4-5 hours of sleep. So perhaps it will be yoga instead. Or maybe I should start doing a little yoga at night to calm myself down.

See? This is what happens. One thought leads to another and before I know it I've been laying in bed for an hour and a half without a wink of sleep.

Sigh.

Well if you have any suggestions please let me know. I'll try anything once. Well, almost anything.

Domestic? Me?

I made a pie. From scratch! Even made my own crust. Called Aunt Diane for advice.

I cleaned the bathroom and washed the dishes.

I even found a few minutes to make homemade pesto sauce which is now freezing in an ice cube tray.

What's going on with me?

Recovery...kind of...

I went back to bootcamp yesterday and my legs hurt pretty bad this morning. Of course, I went back today for more (we have a shortened week due to the holiday) and we have a new trainer on Tuesdays and Thursdays now. His name is Nandoor and he is a human version of the energizer bunny. I don't know where he gets it or what he's on, but I came away feeling utterly exhausted and yet rejuvinated. I really hope he sticks around. It would be great for all of us campers if we have Ricardo MWF and Nandoor T/Th so we can work different sets of muscles. And since I've missed a few weeks due to being sick and then out of town, I'll be going 4x a week for the next 3 weeks so I can maximize the benefits before Christmas.

I haven't cried over Grandpa yet. I expect it will hit me later, or not at all. He lived a full life and while he was in such pain at the end, he's finally at peace and that's where he should be.

Thanksgiving is coming! I love this holiday and all the food that comes with it. We are hosting this year and I'm afraid it's going to rain. The plan is to eat on the rooftop deck but if it is raining...well, we have enough chairs. We'll just be cozy. I'm making 3 pies, cranberry sauce, and green bean casserole. I might make an appetizer too, we'll just have to see how adventurous I'm feeling. I'm a bit nervous about the pies. I am making my own crust this year - it's Mom's recipe - and we all know how I get when I open up that box! But I'm going to do my best. I've never made pie crust before. To my Aunt Diane - I will be calling you! :)

P.S. Thank you IRS and our awesome accountant for the nice refund this year!

Goodbye, Grandpa.

Richard Mesmer
September, 1924 to November 15, 2008

He was a character. I will miss him terribly.
Grandma Betty - I hope you're ready for him! :)

I'm still reeling from losing my last living Grandparent. It was a strange day yesterday, with the burial, and then flying back to Seattle. Not having Matt here has been hard, and yet very rewarding because I've had to toughen up and deal with myself and my family all on my own. But with my family, I'm never alone. As Matt said, we are a pride of lions. Fiercely loyal until death.

I can't say much more right now - I am still processing all of this. I know it will hit me hard when I get home, or it may not hit me for awhile. Maybe on the plan when I'm among strangers. Who knows? But I can't wait to get home and get back to work, get back to living my life. Right now I feel as if I'm in limbo and it's driving me slightly crazy.

Loss

I've been reading various blogs today and seeing how so many of my friends are going through loss. Miscarriages, lost loved ones, having to give away pets...it's very humbling. And while I'm not yet fully dealing with the impending loss of my Grandpa, I will be shortly as I leave Friday for a week or so. I know it will bring back many memories of Mom, but I will take her with me. My aunts, cousins, uncle, sister and Dad will be there. We are so lucky to have each other. I don't know what I'd do without them.

Yesterday Dad called to tell me another colleague of his had passed away last week due to complications from Alztheimers (sp). He sounded so tired, and so sad. I really didn't know what to do except support him in every way that I could over the phone, which is so hard. I just never know if I'm getting the job done, you know? And as I talked to my Aunt last night, I suddenly thought about how as a child, I never thought these days would come. I never really thought about how my Grandparents would die. I thought everything would stay the same and we'd always see eachother at the Holidays, birthdays, and even the yearly family reunions. Now it's so hard to get together. We all have our own new families now and while we're still all connected, our family has changed so much over the years. Thinking of this makes me a little sad, but I know it's just part of life. And there are some things in life that I just have to accept. This is one of them.

Renewal and Reflection

It's been a rough few weeks, full of surprises and hard truths. It's forced me to recognize some things about myself that I knew but didn't want to admit. I wouldn't say that I deny things, but I can certainly delay dealing with certain aspects of my life and personality for quite awhile. I think it's a defense mechanism, I deal with them either until I'm ready or until I have to.

Most of this stems from wanting a family. I've been putting myself under the microscope and thinking about who I want to be for my future kids, and frankly I'd love to be just like my Mom. She was the greatest Mom, in my opinion, because she was mine and she understood me like no one else ever could. I never hated her, never fought with her (except over homework), deep down I always loved her. I always had the sense that she took pride in being a parent, even when it was difficult. She had a certain grace and air about her that, to a child, always seemed calm. But I'm not calm. I'm not Mom, and I'm not Dad. I'm me. And who is this person that's evolved? And how can I be a better human being? How can I feel more satisfied with my life? Changes need to be made. So if I've seemed reclusive, if I've making statements that sound like questions, if I seem to be in my head all the time, well, that's because I am. I am trying very hard to make some very substantial and important changes in my life, and what's great is that Matt's doing the same thing. We have made some very tough decisions these last few weeks regarding our future which ultimately have brought us closer together. We've cried a lot, we've argued a bit, but mostly we are excited for what's to come. And that's a really good feeling.

Part of this reflection of self is also stemming from my Grandpa. He's my last grandparent and while we are not close, it is still hard to say goodbye. I will most likely go up this weekend to Spokane and see him one last time. I know it's been difficult for our family because it is bringing back so many memories of taking care of Mom in her last weeks. He's not eating or really drinking - he just takes his pain pills and goes back to bed. I have been having a hard time figuring out how much time he has left. Dad says weeks, Sharon says maybe 4-6 weeks, maybe even past Christmas. But no matter what, he's still here right now and I need to go see him. I do have great memories of him from my childhood. Like how he was always the cool Grandpa with the latest video games and cool gadgets. He and Grandma would let me stay up late with them and drink diet pepsi, eat cheez-its, and watch Johnny Carson. I'd get to eat those lovely sugary cereals during my visits to their house with the orange shagg carpet and mirrored hallways. I'm really going to miss him, and I also want him to be at peace. I hope Grandma is ready for him. He's a pistol.

Still in awe

I am still pondering what we did.

We elected Barack Obama as our next president.

President-elect Obama? Sounds good. Has a nice ring to it. But I must be dreaming...??

I know he won't be able to accomplish everything he wants to within one term (but hopefully some things will get turned around in a hopefully 2nd term). I have never been more full of hope than these last few days, feeling as though everything (eventually) will be ok. My heart was touched by all of my fellow citizens that were celebrating in the streets and had I not been sick, I might have joined them.

And while the US elected a president that will change our future, it is unfortunate that my state elected to ban gay marriage. I am very disappointed and hope that this will be overturned. Rumors are already being whispered that it's going to be taken to the state supreme court as unconstitutional. Let's hope so.

I voted!

Did you?

We had to wait about a half hour in line to vote, which was kind of exciting! Normally I vote by absentee but this time I wanted to be part of the experience. We filled out our sample ballots at home and then walked the half block to our polling station. There were so many people crammed in those little booths with their brochures, trying to figure out what they wanted to vote for. I felt proud that we had made our decisions already and would save time (and patience for those in line behind us) by being so efficient.

While I was voting, I thought to myself that we are pretty lucky live in a country where not only we can vote to change the future but also express ourselves by going to rallys, voting, blogging, etc. Free speech is pretty dang awesome.

Pictures from Cambria

For Cindy, a picture of Matt's Sandwich - turkey, pesto, goat cheese, roasted red peppers on fresh ciabatta bread.

We went for a hike at the start of sunset before dinner, and there were these cool driftwood benches. If we ever lived near the water, I'd love to have one in our yard.

Just up the hill outside of town. It's good to be on vacation and celebrating each other!

A panoramic shot of the beach just south of Cambria.

Wine, dessert, and my best friend.

For details on our trip, visit hubby's blog. He put our trip into words that I can't muster at the moment.

Interesting

Last night I had a tough time sleeping. I was anxious and upset for no particular reason but with Matt out of town and being all by myself with my thoughts, my mind just started racing. I had a terrible time falling asleep and once I did, I had this wonderful dream where I got to see an old friend. I dreamed that it was my mom's memorial service and there he was. I gave my friend a huge hug and felt so happy to see him. I promised that we'd catch up after the service but that for the time being, I had to greet other people who were arriving. To make a long story short, I didn't make it to the memorial for whatever reason and missed seeing my friend. I was so overwhelmed and upset that I just wailed. Cried so hard that I was heaving, huge alligator tears, and totally red in the face. But I did wake up feeling better, and I was thinking this morning how interesting it is that sometimes we do in our dreams what is so hard for us to do in real life.

Outta here!

We're just about to take off for our much needed anniversary trip to Cambria, CA. We are staying at a lovely little inn just across the street from Moonstone Beach. I cannot WAIT to get out of the city and away from the noise that comes from living just a mile from a major hospital. I've noticed a trend in the last few years...we always seem to schedule our getaways about every 6-8 months. We just need to rejuvinate and get re-foucsed, re-motivated. It's also nice to get away from the internet, tv, and the distractions of everyday life. We really do reconnect as a couple on these trips and that is definitely my favorite part.

(Thanks again to Matt and Jessica for watching our meows while we're away.)

Happy Anniversary!

Can you believe it, babe? Seven years tomorrow and we're still here. It's been an amazing, sometimes difficult (and yet interesting) journey, but I wouldn't be here with out you and I'm so blessed to have you in my life. Here's to another 7 years filled with you, me, and whatever (and whoever) awaits us! Love you always!!

xoxoxo

Wedding Weekend

Most of you know that my dear friend Kari M. got married last weekend and that I was in the wedding. It was great to see so many of my college girlfriends. Some I hadn't seen or spoken to since graduation while others I only see very intermittantly. Most of them had lived in the famed Wheeler house and one point or another. Then at the wedding, I got to see some more college friends and it just turned into a huge reunion.

The Bridesmaids: (l-r) Lewissa, myself, and Amanda.

Kari looked absolutely stunning and Paul looked good too. They had a very classy wedding day, full of smiles and positive energy, and I couldn't be happier for them! (More pictures to follow later on.)

The lovely bride and one of the mimes at the reception.

Progress

I just wanted to thank everyone for their comments and support about my depression issues last week. It passed, as I knew it would. You all gave me some serious things to think about, specifically what moving on means to me and to have joy even in tears. Yesterday I opened that recipe box again to make chicken soup, and to my surprise, even though I felt sad, I remembered what Noreen had to say, which was to "eat up!" and it made me smile. So thank you, friends and family, for getting me through this. I'm on the other side now, and feeling good.

Don't vote!

Recipe Box

Just after Matt and I got married my Mom made me a recipe box. It's got index cards with her handwriting on them, and some of the recipe cards are written in her handwriting while others are printed. Going through this box is always an emotional ride, and Saturday morning (which was Matt's birthday) I decided to make Dutch Baby pancakes (see cooking blog for recipe). I have not picked up this box in quite sometime because I always wind up crying. Well I didn't cry on Saturday and I was pretty proud of myself. But when I push things aside, they always come back.

This afternoon I posted the above recipe and had to get the box out again. As I put it back, I came across her pie crust recipe, a classic one that brings back so many memories. She and my Grandma Elizabeth (her Mom) were famous in our family for their pie creations. I'm not so sure how I'll do as the years go by. Anyway, as I came to the last recipe, the tears just started falling down my cheeks. It was the recipe for Cabbage Rolls, which was my favorite dish. As the years went by and I moved away, she'd make it for me every time I came home. And even as I type I can't keep from crying.

You see, her birthday is tomorrow and I'm having such a difficult time moving on. Ever since the second anniversary passed in August, I just can't seem to shake this overwhelming feeling of sadness. Everything I do seems to bring her back into my mind. Maybe posting about this will help, maybe moving on would help. In some ways I feel like I have moved on and in other ways I feel stuck. There are moments such as these where it just hits you that this person, your loved one is GONE and they're never coming back. It just sucks...you know? I don't know how else to put it. Except that I miss her terribly and like a little girl, I just want my mom.

It only took me 5 hours...

But I got them! Thanks to Paige for driving me around. I had such fun perusing the mall with you!

It's hot today...

...among other things. Where did this muggy, humid, sticky weather come from? I mean it's October for pete's sakes. I guess I'm still a Northwest girl at heart because I expect wind and rain at any minute rather than nights where even a sheet at night is too much...when we have to keep the a/c on at night (and can I just say how grateful we are for central air conditioning right now). Hopefully it will cool down over the weekend as it is hubby's birthday and I want him to be comfortable doing whatever it is he wants to do.

At the moment I'm at Paige's place. We're going to have lunch and then go shoe shopping. She needs comfy "standing all day" shoes and I need a pair of shoes to match 2 dresses that look vastly different from each other. If I can find a deal, I'll get two pairs, but I'm pretty specific on the look, so if I can't find one I know I can find the other. As most of you know, Kari is getting married next weekend and I have a fabulous DVF dress that I snagged for an insane discount and it's perfect for the rehearsal dinner next Friday night. My bridesmaid's dress was also insanely cheap, and it's beautiful to boot. My initial plan is to buy a pair of pointy black shoes that will match both, but if I can swing it, I'd love to get a pair of cream colored pumps to go with my BM dress, while finding a pair of pointy black shoes to go with the DVF dress. We'll see what happens, and yes, after the wedding, I'll post pictures. It's sure to be a classy affair.

And last but certainly not least, Matt does have a job! I'm very proud of him and it's a really good fit. The hours aren't much and the pay isn't what we'd like, but he's got his foot in the door and that's what matters. You can read all about it here!

Post No. 1

I have started another blog - yes, that's all I need, another website to maintain - but I'm really excited about it, and I hope you'll stop by and check it out.

As you know, one of our favorite areas in California is the Central Coast, specifically San Luis Obispo County. And since we go up so often, I thought it would be fun to start a blog documenting our favorite places to stay, where we've gone, our favorite restaurants, etc. It will help me, er...US, figure out what to do next time we go. And since our next trip is coming up next month, I thought I'd better get started.

Enjoy, and please let me know what you think!

http://liveslo.blogspot.com/

I laughed so hard, I cried!

Results

This is my 4th week of Fitness Bootcamp and I'm already noticing fabulous results. Already my arms are stronger and more defined - my biceps are really strong - and my triceps are starting to get more definition. Also, I'm excited for the day when I will not "wave goodbye with my whole arm". My waist is getting smaller and my shirts are looser. Matt and my friends say they can notice weight loss in my face, neck, and waist. My legs aren't looking as good as I'd like them to, but that will come with time as I've already signed up for the next session.

Today while we were doing lunges, I was thinking of all the reps I had done this morning, and how without this class, I'd give up so much sooner than going the full hour. Here's what I think I did today:

Ran/walked 2 miles at least;

3 or 4 sets of lunges (20 each), push ups (various applications, probably over 50), crunches (60), and I'm sure there's more, I just can't remember them all.

Running up the hill backwards...twice;

Monday we did the Bermuda Triangle, which is basically this giant planter that you step on with one leg all the way around, and usually Ricardo (the trainer) has us go around it twice on each leg. Sometimes 3 times. And then you run up the stairs 3-5 times. And then go for a running lap...you get the idea. Anyway, my hamstrings are still sore from the planter on Monday and today during my laps I seriously thought my upper legs had turned into lead. But you just push through and walk when you have to. Suddenly, you're further along than you thought!

I take a nap (after a shower and breakfast) from about 10 to noon because my body is so exhausted. And even with that, I am sleeping better at night and feeling much better about myself. Hubby is swimming over 3 miles a week, and both of us are significantly noticing how much better we feel about ourselves and each other.

P.S. As most of you know, we went to Spokane recently to visit my Dad's side of the family. Please see hubby's blog for a recount of our travels.

Wedding time!

No no, I'm not getting married. Been there, done that, and still going at it. :)

My dear friend Kari is getting married next month and today is her bridal shower. I am up at this awful hour on a Saturday to go get munchies from the bakery in West Hollywood and then drive to Pasadena to help with favors. I am the hostess with the mostess, though Kari and her Mom have done much of the planning and have simply asked me to help with little details.

All of this has brought back memories of our wedding, especially with our anniversary coming up. We had so much fun, and I think if we could do it all over again, we would, but on a much smaller scale!

P.S. Don, those vodka drinks you made last night tasted like liquid candy. You are not only the grillmaster but a mixmaster too!

Traveled Out

So here's where I've gone sine May of this year:

May - Santa Barbara wine country with hubby, Katy, Jeremy, Don, and Cindy;

July - Solo trip to Spokane;

August - Hubby and I went to Seattle, drove all over, and then came home just in time for me to turn 30. THEN we left a few days later for GenCon in Indiana.

September - Just got back yesterday from visiting relatives in Spokane.

Future trips:

Ocotober - It marks Matt's birthday and our 7th anniversary! We plan on going to Cambria for a few days, but we'll see how that goes with his new job!!

November - We plan on staying home for the holidays, but found an amzaing travel deal through Alaska Airlines, so we might go up to Seattle the week before Thanksiving to celebrate with the 'rents.

December - No question we'll be gone for at least a few days, but I can almost garauntee that next Christmas we'll be in Los Angeles.

May of 2010 - Julia graduates from college and I'm hoping that we'll make it to Hawaii to celebrate this major event with her.

I'm tired. Matt's tired. But we can't really complain because Lena travels by herself with 2 young children overseas. She is the champion!

Real quick:

-Bootcamp is totally kicking my butt. Literally. I couldn't walk well on Friday but slowly over the weekend my legs have returned to normal. Just in time for Bootcamp this morning. :) At least this week the sessions are broken up a little bit. My motivation is how awesome I will look by the end of the 5 months, not to mention how amazing my muscle definition will be by Christmas. And I'll be healthy too. :)

-Gamers: Dorkness Rising will soon be available at Target! You can buy it now at Paizo, Amazon, and rent it from Netflix (where it has a very long wait). I'm so proud! Hopefully soon it will also be available at Blockbuster and/or Hollywood Video. Stay tuned for more updates.

Gotta go! I'm gonna be late!

Back to work

Everything is finally set up for me to really make some headway for work. Right now I'm in the process of transferring all the text and images that Mom had gathered for the catalog to the FTP site. Then it's a matter of figuring out what we still carry, which ones we don't, and which ones are on their way out. It's a massive undertaking - however, the fact that I'm home, listening to Pandora, and still in my PJ's makes for a very nice work environment.

Tomorrow I start back up with fitness bootcamp and I can't wait, though I'm a little afraid of how sore my muscles are going to be. I'm scheduled to go 3 days a week, and since this is a 3 day week for camp, I need to go all three days. I've asked Matt to help drag my sorry butt out of bed, and on Friday, to literally gently yank my tired legs onto the floor. I know to drink lots of water and take warm baths to relax my future aching muscles. If anyone else has suggestions on how to relieve sore muscles, please let me know.

Next weekend Matt and I head off to Spokane to visit Grandpa. He's not well, but he's not in such dire health that he's unconcious. Quite the contrary, he's up and about as much as he can be. He's on better medication that relieves the pain. Unfortunately, they had to take away his car, and he can't work in the yard as much as he'd like to. But I'm looking forward to spending more time with him. Matt hasn't been in over 3 years, so this will be a great time for him and that side of the family to spend some time together. Speaking of which, I should call Grandpa today and also rent a car at the Spokane airport. We might need one...

B. w/ D.

Battle with depression.

I hate it. Usually I'm fine with everyday things...so and so cut me off, why doesn't my phone get reception here, I am so sick of the heat...etc. But yesterday we got some bad news about one of Matt's projects. The network turned it down. It was going so well, it had gotten further than any other project in terms of almost getting a deal that would pay big bucks. But no, the one VP couldn't wrap the idea around his head and BAM! Dream shot down.

I tend to bounce back fairly quickly after getting news that hinders Matt's work, and gets him feeling like "What's the point." I can be positive and upbeat, and say "It's ok, baby, this isn't your fault, the big one is just around the corner." But this one hurt. It stings. I was the one who burst into tears when Matt gave me the news. I makes me think "What's the point?" I know we've been here for a few years and we've come so far already. However, it's times like these where we just want to toss in the towel and say "F--- it!" and move back to Washington with our tails between our legs.

We've come so far already, though, and to give up now would hurt even more. So we'll keep slugging along. But know that for the next few days, it's going to be hard to feel cheery when all I want to do is just burst into tears and have my own pity party on the outside.

GenCon Recovery

Tip: When your husband's movie premieres, you know, the one he's been working on for 5 years, try to not scream at the top of your lungs all the time because it will turn into slight laryngitis and then a cold by the time you get home.

GenCon was AMAZING!! I had so much fun. It was like I was back in college again with my friends and the whole weekend was essentially one big party. We stayed up till 4am, went to Karaoke, ate great food, and I even smoked my first cigar (well, little bits, it's not my cup of tea really). I also got to know some amazing people, like Jamie and Renee Chambers from Margaret Weiss, and Sean Reynolds from Paizo. We shared a hotel room with Brian Lewis, and his wife Tiffany, which was great because we don't get to spend much time with them. All in all, I can't wait to go again next year.

For more details on GenCon, check out hubby's blog. And to view pictures, check out Photobucket. Here's a few to give you an idea of how much fun we had!

top to bottom: Chris and Tree, Nathan and Sean, and what can happen at Karaoke night if you're not careful.

Thoughts on this new decade...

1. This is going to be the year I get in shape. Boot Camp, here I come! My goal is to get in shape just so I can get chubby again, if you get my drift. :)

2. Los Angeles is really growing on me. My friends, the weather, all the artistic opportunities that are at your feet (even though I can't afford them right now), and the bounty of farmers markets. Not to mention the beach, the desert, the woods, are all within a reasonable distance.

3. I still dream of running a B&B someday, but I know now that may not happen for some time, and that's ok. Matt's career is just on the cusp of taking off, and I'm so exicted to see what happens in the next year.

4. No one has asked my age yet, so I've not had to say "Thirty" out loud. But in my mind, it just sounds funny. And my throat catches every time I say it at home. It's odd. Did anyone else have a reaction?

5. We are taking off for GenCon tonight. We were in Seattle last week. I may be going to Spokane in the next few weeks. Next travel plans: Christmas. I am tired of airports and living out of suitcases.

6. I've been thinking about Mom a lot these last few days, and seeing "Mamma Mia" again yesterday didn't help. There's a scene between the mother and the daughter getting ready for the wedding, and Gayvin and I just burst into tears. Tomorrow marks the 2 year anniversary and I don't know how I'll be. I could be ok, I could be an emotional mess. Who knows?

7. Please send healing wishes to my Grandpa. He's been diagnosed with cancer for the 4th time and it's not looking good.

Turning 30? Already?

I'm turning 30.

On Sunday.

This past year I've been so excited and thrilled about starting this new decade, where everything is supposed to come together, where I'm no longer "a baby" but I'm not old either. But last week I suddenly realized that I'M TURNING 30. And I'm starting to freak out. I don't know where this came from. I don't anticipate everything "heading south" when the clock strikes 9:52pm on Sunday night. And I wonder if it has to do with the expectations I had as a kid, where I expected to be by the time I was 30. But I didn't, and I still don't. So why the anxiety?

In any case, I know that for some people, birthdays can be less of a party and it's just another day. But for me, I look forward to it every year. A definite excuse to have a good time with family and friends, to party hardy, and to celebrate how far I've come, and that I'm still around.

(And I hope to be carded at the store on my birthday. That would be a nice gift.)