Middle Of The Night Madness

I sleep with earplugs because I'm a sensitive sleeper.  This means I can't hear myself snoring, and it's apparently pretty bad.  I don't know what to do.  Google, which is not my friend, says that it's most likely due to increased fluids in the body which includes my nasal passages.  I'm going to see if I can find those nasal strips at the drug store so that Hubby and I can both sleep.  I do sleep on my side.  I can try sleeping with my head elevated.  It supposedly gets worse into the third trimester.  Of course, increased snoring can be a warning sign for preeclampsia (which I've been tested for and was negative) or pregnancy apnea.  I'm supposed to ask Hubby if I'm sputter or cough at all while snoring, which I'm pretty sure I don't, because I'd wake myself up! I realize that one of us can sleep in another space, and it might just come down to that. 

I am 33 weeks pregnant, almost 34 (on Thursday) and I have truly begun the "done being pregnant/ready to meet my kid" phase.  I know he still has some cooking to do, but the swelling hands, feet, and ankles is really starting to annoy me.  Big time.  I have pregnancy induced carpel tunnel in my right hand all of the time.  There seems to be very little relief from it, aside from accpuncture.  This makes it difficult to write thank-you notes, to eat, use a can opener, open packages, etc.  There's numbness and tingling. 

I feel SO FAT.  All the weight gain is in my upper body, which I know is good, and I apparently still am not waddling.  I guess from behind you can't even tell I'm pregnant.  But these last several days I've felt like a whale and just wanted to stay in bed all day.  The emotions are out of control, I feel like crying most of the time.  I guess I'm just not in a good place tonight.  My last day at work is March 1, and from then on I'll be working at home full time up until baby boy arrives.  I plan on upping the workouts - swimming 2 times a week and yoga 2 times a week.  Right now the exercise has dwindled to yoga once a week, and an occasional walk.  Not good enough.  But I am drinking more water and aside from this weekend, watching my sodium intake, and that's helping me feel a little better. 

I should go back to bed soon.  I'm just trying to give Hubby a chance to sleep before I start snoring again. 

I'm also freaked out a little about labor and delivery.  I know, I know, women have been doing this for centuries, without drugs, and I can do it too.  But I haven't done this before.  My mom isn't here to tell me about her experience, what her warning signs were.  I am reading Ina May's Guild to Childbirth, which is helpful, but I'd get more relief if I just knew how my little sister and I arrived in this world.  There's only so much my relatives know.  I want to know what it FELT like, was she scared, excited, how did she cope with the pain, etc.  So many questions that will go unanswered. 

Last night I had my first panic attack about parenthood.  Full on tears, red in the face, hyperventilating, wondering "howamigoingtodothis" and "whatamigettingmyselfinto" fits of emotion.  I know everything will be fine, I know I'll figure it out just like all other first time Moms.  But at that moment, and moments in between, I panic.  And I write blog posts at 3am.  

I suppose you could say that missing Mom is at the root of all these "emotionally charged states" as Hubby likes to call them (it sounds better than my term, which is "complete meltdowns").  And yes, he's mostly right.  And that's all that I have to say about that topic. 

The friends baby shower, hosted by one of my best friends, Brie, was over the weekend and it was so lovely.  So many people turned up, and I was overwhelmed by the love and joy for this new life coming into the world.  What an amazing group of friends!

On that note, it's time for me to try and get some more shut-eye while I still can. 

Just to get it out there, I haven't exercised much this week. I am babysitting tonight and if it's ok with the 'rents, I'll be strolling their baby girl in North Tacoma for a good walk. Or I might go by myself this afternoon. We'll see. Motivation for walking is easier when the weather is so beautiful outside. However, I've really been focusing more on eating right and drinking more water, taking my vitamins, etc.

But the real reason I wanted to blog today is that I need an outlet for these emotions I'm having. Today my co-worker Tom, my parents long time friend and employee, came over to hang up my mom's window, in our home. I watched her work on it, and now it's here. It's been on the floor since last summer. Now it's in our dining room, filtering the afternoon sun, watching over us. It's difficult to tear myself away from it. I could just watch it all morning. I can't wait to see my dad's face when he comes over on Saturday. He's going to be so happy. But I can tell that I'm not going to get much accomplished today. To me, with the window finally up, I just want to stare at it. I feel like she's here, watching over us, guiding me. I just wasn't ready for that today.

Four Years

I keep wondering if August 14 will ever come and go, like any other day. I wonder if it will get better, if the grief won't be so strong. Was it because she was so sick for so long? Is it because I'm forgetting what her voice sounded like? I don't want to be sad today. It's a good day. It's beautiful outside, we had an amazing rehearsal, and I'm getting my hair trimmed today. I might even go out for a beer. My life is going so well. So I repeat: I don't want to be sad today. But it's tugging at me, wanting a dramatic, teary, sobbing, messy acknowledgment. I don't want to give in.

Perhaps it's because since she died, this is the first time I've been in the Northwest during this time of year. I have a chance to go to her grave, on my own, and leave flowers, to talk to her. In years past, I've sought out some sort of activity to distract myself, to help me move on. OR, like last year, I'm fine and go about life, and then break into a huge sob at work, and friends kidnap me to lunch. Grief and sorrow show up in such unpredictable ways. I am trying to remember what my chiropractor told me, to not ignore my process, to just feel the way I want to feel, even if it's just for five minutes, or otherwise it's going to build up and get worse.

Just not today. Any day but today.

I know she wants me to continue being her happy girl, happy with the way life is going, happy that I'm in a show, happy that I have a loving husband and our marriage is stronger than ever. I need to focus on that. It's a vicious cycle, sometimes...happy sad happy sad...it's exhausting. Confusing. Draining. I wish I could just put a stop to it. But I don't want this process to get worse, I don't want to spoil my entire weekend. So I'll let it go, a few minutes at a time, wallow in sadness and grief for a few minutes now and then.

During rehearsal today, I realized that this upcoming show is the first play that she won't see. She won't be in the audience, grinning and cheering me on. I almost "went there" but chose not to. At that moment, it wasn't about her but about me and my choice to take control. I am tired of crying during the summers, I'm tired of meltdowns and having a red, blotchy face. I just want to celebrate her life, not grieve what I don't have anymore.

And yet, for today, I have to just go through my process...grief. Sadness. Melancholy. And a slight trace of pity.

Ups and Downs

It's safe to say that it's summer, finally, and with summer comes feelings that I'm now quite familiar with. It's that time of year again, and at the start of every July I think that I'm going to be ok, that this is the summer I'll pull through and not be an emotional mess. Yet by the end of July, here I am, laughing one minute and crying the next.

This is why I haven't been blogging. For some reason this year, I am primarily just staying quiet. She's been frequenting my dreams more these last few nights, which has been nice (and why Arnold Schwarzenegger showed up, I'll never know). What has been interesting is talking to friends and Matt about where I have been these last few summers, and how much I've grown, how much I've changed, and where my emotional state has been. I think this year's summer is the one of true acceptance. And I think the difference for this whole year in general is grief versus missing. I miss her every day, I think of her every day. But for only a few weeks in the summer, I grieve that she is no longer physically here. Does that make any sense? Not that it matters. It makes sense to me. :)

Reflections

In times of reflection, where I think about where I've been and how much I've changed, I tend to get pretty wistful. Especially on days like today, where we celebreate mothers world-wide and while I am continually amazed and grateful that I had such a wonderful mother, and that I am surrounded by amazing mothers, friends and family alike, I can't help but feel, sometimes, that I got cheated, that our family was robbed. I don't stay there very long, but every once in awhile, it just hurts. Instead of pushing it away like I used to do, I deal with it for 5 minutes and move on, figuring that one meltdown is better than five (mother's day last year, anyone?). I also take this opportunity to celebrate my mom, who was an incredible woman and I was very lucky (and still am) to have her as my parent, as my guiding force in life.

I'm reflecting too, on the big changes ahead. We are gearing up to move back to Washington State, where we'll be first time home-owners, and with that comes more (albeit new and kind of scary) responsibilities. Something goes wrong? Breaks? We must fix it! Yardwork? We've it cut out for us. But I'm SO EXCITED to explore a new city, to strengthen new relationships, to start a new chapter in my life. To start auditioning again, to explore my home-state as a grown up, to live my life in a new way. I feel like I've taken California for granted, in a way, and become stagnant. I don't intend for that to happen as often up in Tacoma, except on bad days. And they'll happen, hopefully just not as frequently. Because I'll have a new house to slowly decorate and keep me busy (cleaning it will take longer, I imagine). And a commute. To Redmond. Blech. Anyone for carpooling?

I'd like to imagine, too, that moving to Washington will get me off my lazy bum and inspire me to exercise with friends by going for beautiful walks and exploring Dash Point State Park which is fairly close to my new home. I'll have a living room and a rec room, both with their own TV's (and fireplaces) to stretch out in should I want to do yoga at home. There's a few bikram studios nearby, and a lovely suburban neighborhood to explore. And if all else fails, there's the gym. But I'm hoping I will be able to avoid a monthly fee and figure out a routine that's adventurous and satisfying.

And let me just tell you that I'm THRILLED with our new kitchen! I plan on many more culinary adventures, and hope to have a grill fairly quickly after moving in so that we will have another avenue for cooking. And I'm thinking that in August we'll have a house-warming party tied in with my birthday. An end-of-summer bash. With a bbq. And maybe I'll have that firepit going in the backyard? You know me. I like hosting. So come on over for dinner, just let me know when you're on your way so I can set an extra place for you!

I'd like to end this with one of my favorite pictures of me and mom from when I was a kid:

Love you mom. I miss you every day. Thanks for everything, and continuing to help guide me from afar. xoxo

Life Lessons Essay

Most of you know that I wanted to enter this contest for Real Simple Magazine. The subject was "When did you realize that you were a grown-up?" I knew instantly what I would write about, and had all summer to work on it. I ripped out the essay advertisement and kept it on my desk to remind myself to get to work. And of course, each day that went by I'd think "Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll start the process." (If you're curious, I wrote about the death of my mom.)

Not so much.

Fast forward to last Friday. Deadline is Labor Day, four days away! I write out what happened, but there's no emotion involved, it only listed the events of what happened. Matt it's ok, but that I need to tell my story. As I get feedback from my friends who are writers, I hear the same thing. So I dive a little deeper, and get more involved. But my emotional core is still locked tight. This isn't a place I want to go, mostly because it's hard to get back to center when I'm in that place. So, Labor Day arrives and the essay still isn't ready. So I sit at Matt's desk and he helps me edit and tighten up the phrases. I crack, I start to sob, and walk away, telling him that I just need a break.

And then, ahead of time, it's done. I get ready to send the essay. I type out "please consider this essay blah blah blah" and press send. Done!

The email bounces back.

I re-send. Bounced back. Again. Bounced back.

WHA???

I hop on the phone. Call customer service. Closed because it's Labor Day. Freaking out and over-emotional, I get into bitch mode and twitter about what's going on and does anyone know someone at Real Simple mag?

Enter co-worker Meghann. VP of Publicity and awesome at Roadside. She gives me an email address to one of the associate editors. YAY! I email the contact explaining how I got her email address and could she forward my essay on? Thank you! Ah, relief.

I call customer service this morning. They tell me I wasn't the only person having trouble and here's the alternative email address you can send your essay to. YAY! So I email my essay to that address and send another to the A.E. to please disregard my last email and thanking her for her time.

I would love to share this essay with you, but contest rules clearly state that upon submission the essay becomes property of the magazine. I don't want to risk publishing it because I could be disqualified.

That said, I think writing this essay has helped me move on to the next stage of grief, whatever that is. I know that whether I win or don't, the point is that I did it...

...

But I still want to win!

Confused

August is always a tough month for me. It's full of birthdays and celebration of life, but always seems to be overshadowed by another event. And it's why I haven't blogged much lately. I'm confused by my thoughts and feelings, trying to sort them out, but I get frustrated and stop.

Last Saturday was so much fun. We met up with a bunch of friends at Malibu Family Wines, drank excellent wine and ate good food. The company was fabulous and the after-party was equally entertaining. Rock Band at the Early's, what could be better?

I bring this up because my friend Dave asked me what was on my mind and I said, without missing a beat, "My Mom". And he looked surprised, and Katy, who was standing next to me, put her hand on my back in a soothing manner, and I continued with "I'm not sad, I just miss her." And that's just it. I am missing her every single day. I think of her all the time. Sometimes with anger and sadness because she was taken away too soon, but sometimes with happiness and awe, that I got to have her as my Mom, I was that lucky to have her in my life in such an amazing way.

I get tired of talking about it. I am sure that people sometimes get tired of hearing or reading about it. But I'm also getting pretty good at reading people, and can tell very quickly if they don't want to hear about it, so I quickly change the subject. I'm not offended, sometimes they are tired of the subject and/or fret because they don't know what to say. And that's alright. This is ultimately my own journey through grief and it's up to me to figure it out. I am so incredibly grateful for my amazing support of friends and family. I don't know where I'd be without you guys.

I've been reading old blog posts from 2006 and 2007 to help dig up old memories about the experience for this essay that I'm writing. First prices is three grand and two round-trip-tickets to NYC plus lunch with the magazine editors. I doubt I'll win, but why not try? Maybe this is what I need to do to move on with my grieving process. I feel stuck and I don't like it. But at least I can open that recipe box now without bursting into tears.

I can't help myself

I am missing her today, of course, of all days. Memories are flooding my brain, emotions are running high.

These days don't happen too often anymore, but this particular week, for the past few years, has been especially rough, and luckily every year I seem to be getting a little better. Progress, I guess.

I won't let the anger and sadness overwhelm me today, but I'll let them settle somewhere. I have fun plans today, and I'm going to do my very best to not let them get in the way of me having a good time.

And I have the greatest husband, who listens to me, even in the wee hours of the morning.

It's that time of year...

...and so the battle with depression begins.

The signs are always the same. Lack of energy, always wanting to sleep, not wanting to do anything, but feel lonely because I'm NOT doing anything. (Matt's not home until Monday, so it's really quiet around here.)

Three years ago yesterday I flew up to Seattle to help take care of Mom and within three weeks she was gone. The shock of her in a wheelchair, unable to use even a walker, and her voice and surprise as she saw me in the living room that day...images are continually flooding my memory and I struggle to not cry throughout the day.

Every year, I always hope that I'll feel better around the end of July, that it won't be so bad, but it just is, and I have to just let the feelings wash over me while still living my life, and it's not easy. This is my grieving process and no matter what anyone says, no matter how many times I hear the words "You have to get over this", for me, it's easier said than done. Grief is a process and some days, some months, even some years are better than others.

It sucks. It just plain old SUCKS.

Today I broke down at work, not expecting too...poor Katy just asked me how I was doing and I launched in as the big alligator tears came spilling out. Crying is bad enough, but at work or in public just feels so embarrassing. She kidnapped me to lunch and I felt better after a hearty lunch with a side of root beer. But by the time I got home, I was feeling sad and sleepy again, so I ate and took a nap. I'm going out dancing with Katy tonight, even though my brain is fighting me. It wants another pity party. But I'm refusing.

It's complicated.

It's just that time of year.

Christmas Traditions in L.A.

This is going to be our first Christmas away from our families, and yet, we will be with family this Christmas.

We have many friends who are here for this special time of year and feel very grateful that we have places to go and things to do. And we are grateful that we are home and comfortable. My heart goes out to those who are still fighting to go home via plane, train, and bus.

Last night I made some of my Christmas presents and then we decorated the tree. Matt even said that next year we could get a real one or a bigger fake one! :) We watched Chronicles of Narnia with cups of tea, and then Nathan came over. We ordered pizza, drank beer, and watched old episodes of The Simpsons. Poor guy has to work today and tomorrow!

Today I'll finish the Christmas presents, get some wrapping done and go shopping for Matt's stocking (something else I didn't plan for). Tonight we'll have a get-together with friends (Jeremy, Katy, Paige A, and hopefully Matt and Jessica). Tomorrow we'll catch a movie or two (hopefully Nathan will join us) in the morning, and then head to Pasadena for dinner with Gayvin, Eric, and their 4 year old son, Jack.

While we have plans, and are grateful for all that we have here in L.A., I am still missing my family and our traditions. I know there is no time like the present to start our own, I guess because this was so unexpected I am not prepared for these emotions. It's a bit of a rollercoaster. Having our place decorated is so important to me, and yes, we have our tree, and our stockings are on the wall, and I really hope we can hang some lights tonight.

It just occured to me why this is so hard. My mom. She made Christmas so special. Presents were artfully presented under the tree, with the main gift or gifts not wrapped in boxes. I remember one year, when I was 10...I had begged and begged for an American Girl Doll, specifically Kirsten. I wanted her because everyone else I knew had Samantha or Kirsten, and I felt she deserved some attention, and I loved her story. Anyway, come Christmas morning - must've been around 5am - I went upstairs and there she was!! Just waiting for me as if she had planned the trip herself. I was so beyond thrilled. There were some other things I got that year, that were out on display, so I carefully removed her from under the tree and then bolted to my parents bedroom to share my excitement. They smiled, gave me a hug, and promptly told me to go back to bed, that it was too early. So I went back to my bedroom, but took my new doll with me. Over the years, I got more outfits and even her trunk and bed. Now she's in storage, awaiting perhaps our future daughter to play with her.

But I digress. Mom was an artist, and her artistic ways really shone through when the holidays came up. Advent calendars on the wall, stockings, decorations, our tree with all of our old ortaments, the one year we got Coconut and she was quite lively so we got a small tree and put it on a table so she couldn't destroy the ortaments. There was just something so cozy and warm about the house, the love and attention she put into the details. And the cooking...oh my gawd, the food was delicious! All kinds of Christmas cookies, the baked ham, mashed potatoes, brownies, Keith's chocolates, egg nog and homemade apple cider...YUM!! My Dad said they don't even have a tree this year, no decorations, and I doubt he'll even hang stockings. I hope weather permits Diane and Gregg to make it to his house for Christmas dinner. Hopefully a neighbor will offer to drive him to church.

Like I said before, it's a mix of emotions this year. I'm happy to be in L.A. and not dealing with the stress of traveling somewhere, but I'm also missing my family and traditions. It's up to me to try and keep those traditions going while creating new ones and making the old ones work for our little family. With this being our first Christmas away from the Pacific Northwest, I think we're doing pretty well so far. :)

Interesting

Last night I had a tough time sleeping. I was anxious and upset for no particular reason but with Matt out of town and being all by myself with my thoughts, my mind just started racing. I had a terrible time falling asleep and once I did, I had this wonderful dream where I got to see an old friend. I dreamed that it was my mom's memorial service and there he was. I gave my friend a huge hug and felt so happy to see him. I promised that we'd catch up after the service but that for the time being, I had to greet other people who were arriving. To make a long story short, I didn't make it to the memorial for whatever reason and missed seeing my friend. I was so overwhelmed and upset that I just wailed. Cried so hard that I was heaving, huge alligator tears, and totally red in the face. But I did wake up feeling better, and I was thinking this morning how interesting it is that sometimes we do in our dreams what is so hard for us to do in real life.

Progress

I just wanted to thank everyone for their comments and support about my depression issues last week. It passed, as I knew it would. You all gave me some serious things to think about, specifically what moving on means to me and to have joy even in tears. Yesterday I opened that recipe box again to make chicken soup, and to my surprise, even though I felt sad, I remembered what Noreen had to say, which was to "eat up!" and it made me smile. So thank you, friends and family, for getting me through this. I'm on the other side now, and feeling good.

Recipe Box

Just after Matt and I got married my Mom made me a recipe box. It's got index cards with her handwriting on them, and some of the recipe cards are written in her handwriting while others are printed. Going through this box is always an emotional ride, and Saturday morning (which was Matt's birthday) I decided to make Dutch Baby pancakes (see cooking blog for recipe). I have not picked up this box in quite sometime because I always wind up crying. Well I didn't cry on Saturday and I was pretty proud of myself. But when I push things aside, they always come back.

This afternoon I posted the above recipe and had to get the box out again. As I put it back, I came across her pie crust recipe, a classic one that brings back so many memories. She and my Grandma Elizabeth (her Mom) were famous in our family for their pie creations. I'm not so sure how I'll do as the years go by. Anyway, as I came to the last recipe, the tears just started falling down my cheeks. It was the recipe for Cabbage Rolls, which was my favorite dish. As the years went by and I moved away, she'd make it for me every time I came home. And even as I type I can't keep from crying.

You see, her birthday is tomorrow and I'm having such a difficult time moving on. Ever since the second anniversary passed in August, I just can't seem to shake this overwhelming feeling of sadness. Everything I do seems to bring her back into my mind. Maybe posting about this will help, maybe moving on would help. In some ways I feel like I have moved on and in other ways I feel stuck. There are moments such as these where it just hits you that this person, your loved one is GONE and they're never coming back. It just sucks...you know? I don't know how else to put it. Except that I miss her terribly and like a little girl, I just want my mom.