Thursday, May 31, 2012

New reality

I was not prepared for this amount of sleep deprivation.  It clearly didn't matter how many people told me, how many articles or books I read.  Holy crap.  Eight hours once in a blue moon is clearly not enough.  My life is a series of naps.  Day blends into night and vice versa.  I'm really thrown now that the days are getting longer.

The hardest part about being a mom, I think, is that I don't always love it.  And when I talk to a new mom who says "Isn't it just the best thing ever?"  I just answered honestly.  "Well, yes, but it's also really hard sometimes."  And she looked at me like I was crazy.  As if by giving that answer means I don't love my kid.  Which is bullshit, because no words can describe how I feel about Wesley.  But don't we all have bad days?  Like today, where child has been up since midnight for the most part, eating every 60 to 90 minutes, sleeping 20 minutes, then repeat?  And you can barely sleep, let alone eat?  I mean, there is absolute truth in the statement "This is the hardest job you will ever love."  No kidding.

What I was not expecting is how isolating motherhood would feel.  And how my friendships would change.  How I would feel like I've lost myself in some respects, and that the old me is gone.  Which is exhausting to think about because I spent 3 or 4 years in counseling after Mom died, and came out a new, confident woman.  And now I'm mommy.  And this is a new part of my personality that I'm not familiar with, that arrived somewhat unexpectedly with Wesley being a preemie.  When I talk to my friends, I start almost every conversation with "I'm all baby, all the time, and that's all I can talk about because that's my life right now."  Most understand.  And I certainly try to go easy on myself.  But it's hard, and I don't even miss my old life because I can't remember life before Wesley.  It all seems so far away.

I know he'll get older.  I know this too shall pass.  I know he'll grow like a weed right before my eyes, and before I'm ready he'll be off to preschool.  I know I need/want to enjoy every single moment.  But at this particular moment, I'd really just like 8 hours of straight sleep every night for a week.

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Wesley Pictures

These are all taken from Matt's phone...isn't Wesley adorable?  I admit, I'm biased!

Thursday, May 03, 2012

Two Months Old!

My dear Wesley,

My goodness, how you have GROWN in the last two months!  When we brought you home, your skin was so thin, there was no layer of fat.  I could look down at your neck and see your pulse beating.  Now, your cheeks and neck are getting so wonderfully pudgy.  I kiss them all the time and give you zerberts, while you look at me like I'm crazy.

While you are two months old, developmentally you are just four weeks.  This preemie thing really confuses your sleep deprived mommy sometimes.  I adjusted your birthday on so I know what is going on in your little body and what I need to practice with you this week.  Daddy and I are supposed to start helping you track movement, which supposedly helps develop your hand/eye coordination later on.  And it's working!  We got out your toy basket, and Daddy plays with your stuffed animals, doing crazy voices...improv training comes in quite handy for him.  But the mommy doesn't need toys.  You just follow me and my voice.  Precious boy.  :)

You snore when you sleep, you hate to be cold, and lately you've reverted back to wanting to be held until you fall asleep.  You love your blue binky more than any other.  You don't like your crib but love your bouncy chair, which is fine with us since now whoever is taking care of you can sleep on the couch.  Your poor parents are so sleep deprived, though, little boy, and I'm sorry we get mad.  It's not your fault.  An all liquid diet does mean you get hungry quite often.

We are also making the change to cloth diapers, and I giggle every time I see you in one.  Your body is still fairly small, and those diapers just make your bum look ever so huge!

Oh, and I should mention that you HATE bathtime.  Mostly after Daddy washes your head, because that's when you really get cold and start screaming.

And the screaming?  It's just gotten sadder over the last few weeks.  It started when you got your first round of shots and you discovered this sad sad wail that just broke our hearts.  Of course, now we've gotten used to it and soothe you and giggle, which just makes you scream harder.  I'm sorry, but it is kind of funny...

I love you, my sweet sweet chubby boy.  Keep up the good work on tummy time, keep smiling and laughing.  I love you so much, words can't describe how happy I am that you're here.