Wednesday, July 29, 2009

It's that time of year...

...and so the battle with depression begins.

The signs are always the same. Lack of energy, always wanting to sleep, not wanting to do anything, but feel lonely because I'm NOT doing anything. (Matt's not home until Monday, so it's really quiet around here.)

Three years ago yesterday I flew up to Seattle to help take care of Mom and within three weeks she was gone. The shock of her in a wheelchair, unable to use even a walker, and her voice and surprise as she saw me in the living room that day...images are continually flooding my memory and I struggle to not cry throughout the day.

Every year, I always hope that I'll feel better around the end of July, that it won't be so bad, but it just is, and I have to just let the feelings wash over me while still living my life, and it's not easy. This is my grieving process and no matter what anyone says, no matter how many times I hear the words "You have to get over this", for me, it's easier said than done. Grief is a process and some days, some months, even some years are better than others.

It sucks. It just plain old SUCKS.

Today I broke down at work, not expecting too...poor Katy just asked me how I was doing and I launched in as the big alligator tears came spilling out. Crying is bad enough, but at work or in public just feels so embarrassing. She kidnapped me to lunch and I felt better after a hearty lunch with a side of root beer. But by the time I got home, I was feeling sad and sleepy again, so I ate and took a nap. I'm going out dancing with Katy tonight, even though my brain is fighting me. It wants another pity party. But I'm refusing.

It's complicated.

It's just that time of year.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Pictures from our trip to Cambria

Our fabulous picnic at Kelsey Winery. We couldn't resist opening up 2 cold bottles of wine, it was hot that day!

Panoramic shot of Moonstone Beach in Cambra. It was such a windy day. I forgot how long my hair was and it got so tangled on the beach and in their rented convertible!

Dinner at FC McClintocks at Sunset in Pismo Beach. Gorgeous! The food and company were equally amazing!

Cool shadow shot.

We had such a great time sharing our favorite area of California with Brie and Steve. I hope they can come back soon!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Quick Update:

My in-laws are moving to Turkey next month;

We are going to Comic Con in San Diego next weekend (I think);

Matt is going to Seattle at the end of July to help the folks pack up;

I think we're getting their sofa, chair, ottoman, camping gear, super scrabble, and a few more boxes of odds and ends;

I'll be up in Seattle at the end of August, hopefully able to make it to Ben and Rita's mystery party extravaganza;

Still have baby on the brain;

It's hotter than hell here in Glendale, having trouble sleeping at night because of the heat and pondering the purchase of a portable air conditioner;

Haven't been exercising, been quite lazy actually, need to get back on track;

Both jobs are crazy busy, which is good, I like being busy, helps me not waste (too much) of my time;

I turn 31 in 4 weeks? Really?

(Pictures of last week's trip to the California Coast will be next, I promise.)

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Out of Town? Again?

It seems all we do is travel!

Hm, let's see...the start of this year we were in Seattle...followed by four lovely months of not ever getting on a plane!

Thank goodness for air miles. And helpful kitty sitters.

Tomorrow we head to Cambria, a trip we've had planned for several months now. Steve and Brie are already there, celebrating their anniversary. We'll be staying at a new b&b just half a mile from their rental house. It will be a fun challenge staying within our very strict budget. I am also looking forward to sharing one of our favorite spots with good friends.

I can also tell you that I am sick of plane rides and the convertible that Steve and Brie rented will be a welcome opportunity to feel a little more free during our travels around San Luis Obispo County. :)

Bon Voyage to KT who's traversing the East Coast now, to Gayvin for braving NYC in the summer, to Katy & Jeremy attending DragonCon in Atlanta, and to our friends who are heading to Germany in September! (See, I'm not the only one who has the travel bug!)

Monday, July 06, 2009

Lack of Communication

I'm a talker. Always have been. Matt says there are no strangers for me, only new friends, which is a very nice way of saying I'm a chatterbox. :) But I do have the ability to recognize signals when people are done chatting, and I can also end a random conversation easily, unlike some members of my family *cough*.

Where I notice my lack of communication is on the bus to and from work. Everyone has their iPods plugged in, mp3 players, reading the paper or a book. A packed bus full of people at rush hour is compeltely silent. It's weird. And I'm one of them. I don't want to talk to anyone at the end of the day. I'm tired, my brain is full, and I really just want to eat. (It didn't help that on my first bus ride home I got 2 requests for my phone number from strange men.)

So, for about 80 minutes on M/T/W, I don't talk to anyone. I happily plug my earphones in, and listen to podcasts like Savage Love, This American Life, and Fresh Air. Sure, you can ask me what time it is, where this bus goes, and that you like my shoes. But please don't ask me for my phone number or email address. And avoid the seat next to me if you smell. I have a sensitive gag reflex and just might throw up on you (hasn't happened yet but I came close last week).

Wednesday, July 01, 2009