Saturday, December 22, 2012

Monday, December 17, 2012

Promises to Wesley

In light of the recent tragedy, I'm stealing this idea from a good friend of mine - thank you, Melanie, for the idea.

Dear Wesley,

I promise to love you unconditionally;
I promise to always be here for you, whether you're running to or away from me;
I promise to teach you to love all, be compassionate and thoughtful, to think before you speak;
I promise to do my best to let go, whether it's at your first day of daycare or at your high-school graduation;
I promise to try to not meddle;
I promise to teach you to be responsible, to do your chores and homework, and to take care of others because you want to, not just because you can;
I promise to give you the tools to believe in yourself, that you can be anyone and anything you want;
I promise to teach you the value of being a member of our society, to give back, to be part of being something bigger than yourself;
I promise to make introduce you to different cultures, to surround you with different types of people, music, art, food, to make sure you know that there is a big world out there for you to discover;

And the biggest of all, I promise that I will always see you as my baby boy, and I will take care of you as long as you will let me.  I will love you forever, even after I'm gone and you have a family of your own. 

Love always, forever and ever,

Copyright: Alexander Lawrence

Tuesday, December 04, 2012

9 Months Old!


NINE MONTHS OLD!!  How in the world has time gone by so fast?

You are starting to crawl, well, sort of.  It's a combination of pulling yourself on the carpet, military crawling, and rolling.  You're not terribly interested in crawling.  If the object of your desire is too far away, you'll look around for something closer.  You are definitely my kid.  :)

You have some separation anxiety, and there are a few people who you don't really care for, including your god-father, Steve!  I've come to the conclusion that the majority of men in your life don't have beards, but Daddy does.  And so does Steve.  So I think it's not so much that you're scared as you're confused.

You love people, still.  You love to smile, but laughing doesn't come easily.  Until, I found the pop-up book.  With the jumping frog.  And started saying "ribbit" every time it jumped.  Oh, what joy ensued!

You had a doctor's appointment today - 18 pounds and 10 ounces!  The doctor is very pleased with your progress.  Everything looks good, and no shots!

We had a good Thanksgiving, except we forgot your booster/high chair thing, so dinner was a little awkward, as you tried your hardest to grab everything in sight, including dishes and silverware.  Everyone loved you, and you just yummed up all the attention.  

You are STILL not sleeping through the night, but you are an easy baby during the day.  Very patient if we're late with meals, so pleasant when we are out and about.  You just love to observe what's going on.

We had a bit of a rough time, you and I, in November with Daddy being gone on set.  You are so happy he's home, and so am I!

I love you, my sweet sweet boy.  I can't wait for your first Christmas.  It's going to be magical!

Love you lots and lots,

Monday, November 19, 2012

8 months old!

Dear Wesley,

It's 2:30am.  You've been up for TWO HOURS.  Please go to sleep.  Daddy is filming, and can't get up with you, which means you and I are in this together.

You are sweet, loving, patient, curious, energetic, and so happy (and want to crawl so desperately).  I love you my darling boy.  But you Dad and I would *really* appreciate it if you could just sleep more than 2 hours at a time.

I will feed you if you're hungry, change your diaper if you've pooed your pants.  But I won't play with you in the wee hours of the morning.

I'm sorry we had a rough night tonight.  I'm sorry I had to let you scream.  You must be going through a growth spurt - 7 ounces in less than two hours!  I also drugged you with some ibuprofen in case your teeth were bugging you.

You're asleep now.  Sweet dreams, buggaboo.  I love you. 


Thursday, November 01, 2012

My (Precious) Meows

PJ has been part of our lives for nearly 10 years now, since he was 3 months old.

Quinn has been in our family for 9 1/2, since she was a wee kitten.

Both are addicted to me.

After we moved, and I was working full time, and in plays, PJ decided he'd had enough and started spraying.  Long story short (and thousands of dollars later), we moved him into the garage.  Then Wesley was born, and Quinn wizzed on the downstairs carpet, and she too was moved into the garage.

(For those of you wondering about Bean, well, she is fine and loves Wesley to pieces.)

PJ and Quinn have peed in several corners, and since we are storing my in-laws things, Matt and I have been trying to find a solution.  We can't give them away, I mean, who wants cats who have emotional problems and spray all over the place?  I refuse to put them to sleep, as they aren't sick.  And I don't have time to retrain them to come back into the house.  And they show no interest in wanting to come back in.

PJ is also deathly afraid of the outside.

So what does this mean?

Well, PJ is just going to have to adjust.  Hubby and I talked about turning the chicken coop into a cat shelter, but we (a) don't know how and (b) don't have the time. 


I did some research on Amazon.  Turns out there are outdoor kitty shelters that can house up to three cats.  Fully insulated, and some even have a microwavable heating pad that stays warm for up to ten hours.  What about food and water, you say?  Well.  There are such things as warm water dishes, so the water doesn't freeze.  And we can just get an automatic food dispenser.

Now, there is a tom-cat around, and I'm not sure how Quinn and PJ will fare with him.  Bean tries to kick his butt through the window, but he seems like a scardy cat to me.  Hopefully that won't be an issue.

But we don't have another choice.  This is our last resort. 

I can only pray that they figure out how to go to the bathroom outside, and not on the siding.

Oh crap.  The garden. 


Friday, October 19, 2012

Attitude Adjustment

I've discovered that 3pm is my witching hour.  Not Wesleys.  Mine.  I get so tired and pissy, and desperately want to sleep.  Of course, this is when Wes sleeps for only 30 to 40 minutes, and I wake up grumpy and ticked off. 

I want to be grateful that I managed to get even 30 minutes, when many moms do not.

I want to enjoy my son at this age, because every day he gets older and changes. 

I want to relish in taking care of him and doing the little things.

I want to let the laundry and dishes go.

I want to pick-up writing on my SLO blog again so I can have something that I define as "mine".  I miss writing and researching about one of my favorite spots in the world.  There are several times when I feel like I'm losing myself, and that's not good for me or my family.

I want to be grateful for the help that I do have.

I am grateful that my son is, for the most part, happy, patient, loving, and curious.  I want to nurture those traits.

I want to be content. 

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

7 months old!

Dear Wesley,

You are still a baby, but you are having more and more "little boy" moments, and it both delights and saddens me.  You are inquisitive about EVERYTHING and always want to be part of the action.  Whenever I take you out in public, there is at least one elderly woman who just fawns all over you.  You flirt with anyone who smiles at you. 

Your bottom teeth are coming in!  Poor little dude, your mouth hurts more and more, so we go back and forth between ibuprofen and teething tablets.  While I miss your gummy smile, those teeth are pretty darn cute.  I just feel bad that you're so uncomfortable.  But you're not in pain all the time, usually before bed and occasionally during the day.  You've only had one really fussy day due to teething, so I can't complain.

You are really rolling around now, it's your main mode of transportation.  You can roll around on the living room floor quite easily, but in your crib...not so much.  You get stuck in corners, or your limbs get caught in the rails.  I have to go to IKEA now and get you a bumper since that's where we got your crib and their bumpers actually fit. I'm really not looking forward to taking you to IKEA but I really don't have another choice since Daddy is working more and more in Seattle. 

Oh man, you so desperately want to crawl.  It's sad and cute.
We are working on getting you on a schedule.  We wake you up between 7 and 8, with your first nap being around 10, second nap at 3, and bedtime between 7 and 8.  I had to put it into my Google calendar, because otherwise I won't stick to it.  And you're responding very well.  Despite being up for an hour tonight, you've been asleep since just after 6:30.  You started talking in your sleep again and woke me up, only to fall back asleep which is why I'm up now.  :)

I love watching your little hands explore objects.  They are all over your toys, a dish rag, your high chair, a blanket, anything with texture that makes noise is instantly amazing.  And your facial expressions are priceless.  Those eyebrows!!  What a ham. 

My darling boy, words cannot express just how much I love and adore you.  You laugh and love and smile so easily.  I love you, my wonderful, happy son!


Saturday, September 08, 2012

6 months old!

My dear Wesley,

Mommy is very sorry she can't pick you up these days.  I hurt my back pretty badly, but I'm on the mend and I think if Daddy continues taking such good care of the two of us, I'll be all better very soon and able to take care of you more in a few days.

You are SUCH a good baby.  So happy and full of joy!  Even waking up, you'll happily chat to yourself for at least 5 or 10 minutes before chirping to let us know you'd like to get out of your crib.  And by chriping, I mean more of squeaking.  You love to play and laugh, especially watching Mommy, Daddy, or anyone make silly faces and noises.  You also love to watch us clap and have recently discovered that the newspaper is so noisy and cool!  You love to play with anything that combines noise and texture.  Sometimes just scraping the side of the couch or chair with your fingernails entertains you long enough for Mommy to grab a snack or run to the bathroom.  You certainly have my attention span.  You move on to the next thing fairly quickly.  Except when it comes to your feet.  Those things are pretty dang cool.

You have also figured out how to roll from your back to front, which is funny.  You have yet to realize that you can continue rolling and that will get you off your tummy.  You can no longer sleep on your side because you roll onto your tummy and get pissed because you're doing tummy time.  It's kind of sad and amusing all at once.  You've also learned how to dig your face into the floor, raise your butt, and push with your feet, slightly scooting yourself forward.  You so desperately want to be on the move and get so frustrated because you're not strong enough...yet.  You are working on keeping us on our toes, that's for sure!

Man oh man do you love solid foods.  You love anything orange - sweet potatoes, butternut squash, peaches, apricots, carrots - in addition to bananas, apples, and pears mixed with your oatmeal.  You don't like summer squash, and HATE peas.  Green beans are ok.  Your Aunt Julia is in town and determined to fill our freezer with all sorts of treats for you to try.  You'll be trying beets and cherries soon.  It's so much fun to watch the expressions on your face as you eat.  You are such a great eater though, and aside from peas, you're game for anything.  Even cold prunes.  Such a champ!

You've now been on more overnight trips away from home.  We went to Aberdeen for a few days to visit Jeff, Tina, Natalie, and Alanna.  Mommy took you all be herself because Daddy went to GenCon.  Then over Labor Day Weekend, Mommy and Auntie Kari took you to Spokane so you could meet more family members. You loved it there because there was always  someone to hold you!  But man, you were so over stimulated and it took some magic to get you to fall asleep at night.    Everyone loved you, and you even managed to charm Uncle Terry, who isn't the craziest person about babies, but he even played with you, and that just warmed my heart.

You aren't perfect.  You don't like to be left alone and you do. not. nap.  You'll take one good morning nap, and on a rare occasion, you'll have an afternoon nap.  Usually, though, after the morning nap, you're up all day aside from a few 20 to 30 minute naps throughout the day.  Oy.  This makes Mommy and Daddy quite irritable sometimes.  But it's not your fault.  We don't really have you on a schedule yet, but we're working on it.  And sometimes you do sleep through the night, which we are very grateful for.

I can't believe how much you've changed.  I can't imagine how the next 6 months will go by just as quickly as the first 6.  You are so wonderful...happy and chatty.  I love you with all my heart and soul, and would do anything for you.  I never knew this kind of love was possible.  I love you my darling, wonderful, magical boy.  Please stay this sweet forever.

  (And just for perspective, here you are at 2 days old.)


That's It. Time For Change.

I threw out my back again for the second time since May.  I have a weak core, which means I have a weak back.  This time it's really bad.  I am wearing the ugliest back brace you've ever seen, and I can't even take care of my son.  If he cries, someone else has to pick him up.  It's awful. 

I hate it.

It's time seriously, and I mean SERIOUSLY make some changes in my habits.  I don't want Wesley to grow up eating the way I do now.  He's watching what we eat, and what better motivation to make some changes so that I can teach my child that fruits and veggies are nummy?  I want him to take pride in his appearance and feel good. 
I feel awful about myself.  I don't like how I look or how I feel.  And I don't want to teach that to my son.

I made a call to a local fitness bootcamp in Tacoma today.  I'll call them back tomorrow.  I need to talk to my chiropractor to see if my body is ready for something like that as of Monday, or if I need to wait a little longer. 

It sucks that it took my back feeling THIS BAD to give me a serious wake-up call.  But sometimes that has to happen in order to make life better.

And can I tell you how excited I am to purge the pantry next week?  It's going to be a good day.

Things can only go up from here.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Day to Day

It's amazing how one day I can be in a great mood and the next I feel like crap.  Even hour to hour that can happen.  Today is one of those days where I want my old life back.  Really, though I want to get my family on some sort of schedule so that I can know what to expect every day.  But our family doesn't work that way, with Matt's crazy schedule of writing and meetings, and now GenCon.  I never seem to have time to work, and my son is not a napper, nor is he the kind of kid (at least right now) who can play by himself as he gets lonely and bored rather quickly.  I'm just having a frustrating day.  I suppose I'm still dealing with the fact that I am officially in my mid-30's now, and even after having a great birthday weekend, reality is sometimes just a bitch to deal with.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Welcome, 2012 Babies!

Owen, Brandon, Wesley, Kai, Matteo, Archer, Madeline, Wesley, and the latest to join the group is little Caitlyn, born yesterday at 5:58pm.  I am anxiously awaiting details and photos!

I apologize if I have forgotten any babies, it's been a whirlwind of a month. 

And no, that's no mistake that Wesley is listed twice.  There's our little W, and then my cousin and his wife welcomed their W-man on July 3, which means "The Twesleys" are exactly 4 months apart. :)

But don't fret, there are more on the way...and I'm sure there are more we just haven't heard about yet that will be greeting us around the holidays. 

What an incredible year for babies!  And looking at those names, it's the year for boys.  Sheesh.

Friday, July 20, 2012

18 weeks!

My dear Wesley,

Goodness, your Mommy doesn't have time to blog these days.  Or if I do, I'd rather watch TV or sleep, because writing requires brain power that I don't have much of these days!

Where do I begin?  The biggest news is that you've rolled over!  Twice!  And I missed it both times!  But that's ok, there are many more "firsts" to witness.  You are starting to grab things, so focused on getting the rings in the right position so they are in just the right place for you to grab on to.  You LOVE to stand up.  Screw sitting, that's for babies!  You are getting better and better at tummy time though you still hate it.  And you are starting to put your knees under your hips to lift your bum, it's pretty cute.

We took you to the doctor last Friday and you weighed in at 14 pounds!  No wonder my arms and back get sore so quickly.  You have such a sweet disposition, always smiling and cooing.  BUT you'll let us know if you're not happy about something.  As long as your basic needs are met - food, dry dipaer, entertainment, standing/sitting - then you are good to go.  People are so impressed with your good nature.  I'd like to think Daddy and I had a little something to do with that.

You are also FINALLY sleeping in your crib on a regular basis!  Just this Sunday, we started putting you down in your crib as you have gotten to be too heavy for your bouncy chair (it started looking a little horizontal when you were in it).  So we put you down, and you sleep for 2 to 4 hours at a stretch. This means no more night shifts for your poor, sleep deprived parents.  This means we can all go to bed at the same time.  And while you still don't have a set bed time, this is a step in the right direction.  And next week we start you on multi-grain cereal!  We're hoping this will keep you a little more full during the night and you won't wake up so often.  You are a growing, growing boy, so very hungry, all of the time! 

You smile so often now.  Whoever goes to get you from your crib in the morning gets big big smiles.  Your cheeks are so big and chubby, and your toothless grin just melts my heart.  You love to smile at whomever isn't holding you.  You kind of giggle, scream, bounce, stare, drool, observe everything that comes across those beautiful blue eyes of yours.  I love watching you and seeing you take in the world, watching your little brain and eyes and ears just processing that same window that's been there your whole life.

I love you my sweet, wonderful Wesley bear.  I can't believe how much you've grown and changed these last few weeks, even just the last few days.  I'm trying to enjoy every moment, even on the days when you drive me crazy and don't sleep.  :)


Friday, June 29, 2012

Growing Growing Growing

Wesley is growing like a weed.  Already in 3 to 6 month pajamas because his legs are too long and feet too big for strictly 3 month pj's.  It's incredible.  And a little frazzling, because suddenly I find myself needing to sort through clothes that were "too big" just a few weeks ago.  Amazing.

I have to save some stuff (like photos) for the 4 month letter, but let me just say that I LOVE this three month phase -- the talking, cooing, recognition -- LOVE LOVE LOVE.  He's suddenly a little boy and quite an opinionated one at that.

I'm doing fine, and so is hubby.  Just tired and busy as usual, discovering a new balance to life.  It leaves little time for just the two of us, but we try to find time when we can.  I'm pretty much full time Mommy while he's writing, producing, auditioning people for the next film, stuff like that.  My work happens during naptime.  The in-laws have been just stellar with helping around the house and babysitting, it's been awesome.  Hubby and I are in for a very rude awakening when they head back to India on Tuesday.  But they'll be back in December for Christmas, and Wesley will be mobile by then, driving us bonkers and entertaining us in new ways.

And lots of hugs and love to three expectant Mamas due next month - Kayla, Annie, and Cindy - you are going to ROCK at mommy-dom!   Love you!!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012


I didn't realize how hard it would be to maintain my friendships, whether they have kids or not.  I didn't know that texting and email would be so much easier.  And I didn't think that my guilt could get so out of control over something so small.

I struggle with guilt often.  I want to be a good person, a good friend, to go above and beyond to be there for friends and family.  And when I fall short, I feel like I've failed.  I feel like suddenly someone is mad at me if I don't get a text or email back right away (which dates back to before mommyhood, when really, they're just as busy, if not more so, than I am).  And I've been falling short a lot these days.  I know it's all in my head.  I know that I'm doing the best I can, that I am a new Mommy and that little Wesley is my main relationship for the next several months.  But I don't want to take advantage of my friends and family...

So I guess, in my own way, this is a public apology for the unanswered emails, phone calls, and text messages.  For canceling or rescheduling at the last minute, sleeping through our get togethers, appearing bleary eyed and exhausted.  I know that you understand, and will tell me not to feel bad, but I do.  I just want you to know how much I appreciate the talks, the emails, the words of support mean so much to me.  The babysitting, the meals, the hand me down clothes...every little thing means the world to me and our little family.

Monday, June 11, 2012

13 Weeks!

My sweet Wesley,

My goodness, how time has flown!  You keep us so busy these days that Mommy hardly has time to think about writing blog posts, let alone water the garden or go grocery shopping.  Priorities.  You keep them in check.

Papa G and Gigi, Daddy's parents, arrived at the end of May and you finally got to meet them.  Gigi is SO in love with you, she spends almost all of her time talking to you, singing, making faces and sounds, and you just eat it up.  It's been wonderful to have them here, and she even lets Mommy and Daddy get a full eight hours of sleep at night so that we can be better parents and less crazy.

In the last few weeks, you have really changed.  You are no longer just a baby, but a little person.  You HATE being hungry or having a dirty diaper.  You are still a grunter, so people always think you're pooping.  You love being warm, not cold.  Bath time isn't so bad now that we bathe you in your tub in the kitchen sink rather than in the bathroom.  You have discovered your legs are for kicking, so you just kick kick kick in your chair, on the floor, in your crib, on your changing table (which makes changing poopy diapers especially messy), wherever you can.  It's a great workout for you and leads to a nice long nap afterwards.

You've also started talking more, and by talking I mean lots and lots of cooing and high pitched happy sounds.  You love being in the kitchen when we're cooking, watching and listening to all the different sounds and conversation.  Where ever there is light, whether it's a window or a light bulb, your eyes go right to it.  Your eyes are focusing a lot more now, and you lock onto Mommy frequently and follow me around the room.  Your eyebrows are quite expressive, they are usually one of the first things people notice about you when you're awake, and we know immediately how you're feeling.  You've even raised just one eyebrow a few times, which is quite comical on such a little person.

You've also discovered your hands and mouth, and have almost figured out that one goes to the other.  Gigi told me the other day how you managed to put your binky back in your mouth all by yourself!

You have such a sweet disposition.  Usually you don't cry unless you're hungry, tired, and/or overstimulated.  Such a happy baby, and such a charmer!  Those big blue eyes are soaking up everything they can.  I love to watch your little brain working, trying to figure everything out, especially when I take you to a new place.

Speaking of which, this last weekend was very busy, but you did GREAT!  Thursday I took you to the set of JourneyQuest 2 to visit Daddy so we could show you off.  Friday and Saturday you met lots of family members, and yesterday I took you to book club to introduce you to more people.  It was pretty clear by the end of the meeting that you were completely done with people and wanted to go home.

The biggest news, however, is that right at 3 months, you put yourself on a schedule.  I don't know if the little schedule we had you on had anything to do with it.  During the day, we'd wake you every 2 hours to feed and change your diaper, and then let you sleep however long you wanted to at night.  Well, you were up for about 18 hours straight one day, driving us up the wall, as it was just the three of us.  But that night, you slept for 3-5 hours at a stretch, waking only to feed and get your diaper changed.  And it's been going on for almost 2 weeks!  Amazing, and wonderful.  Thank you for the extra sleep, little one.  Mommy and Daddy (and Gigi and Papa G) are very very grateful.

I can't believe how much you've changed since you came home three months ago. I am so amazed and delighted at your self discovery each and every day, how the same chandelier at home makes you grin and coo every time we burp you on the couch.  You are my little man, my sweet boy, and I'm so happy that I get to be your Mommy.

I love you so much.  There are no words to really express just how much I love you.


Thursday, May 31, 2012

New reality

I was not prepared for this amount of sleep deprivation.  It clearly didn't matter how many people told me, how many articles or books I read.  Holy crap.  Eight hours once in a blue moon is clearly not enough.  My life is a series of naps.  Day blends into night and vice versa.  I'm really thrown now that the days are getting longer.

The hardest part about being a mom, I think, is that I don't always love it.  And when I talk to a new mom who says "Isn't it just the best thing ever?"  I just answered honestly.  "Well, yes, but it's also really hard sometimes."  And she looked at me like I was crazy.  As if by giving that answer means I don't love my kid.  Which is bullshit, because no words can describe how I feel about Wesley.  But don't we all have bad days?  Like today, where child has been up since midnight for the most part, eating every 60 to 90 minutes, sleeping 20 minutes, then repeat?  And you can barely sleep, let alone eat?  I mean, there is absolute truth in the statement "This is the hardest job you will ever love."  No kidding.

What I was not expecting is how isolating motherhood would feel.  And how my friendships would change.  How I would feel like I've lost myself in some respects, and that the old me is gone.  Which is exhausting to think about because I spent 3 or 4 years in counseling after Mom died, and came out a new, confident woman.  And now I'm mommy.  And this is a new part of my personality that I'm not familiar with, that arrived somewhat unexpectedly with Wesley being a preemie.  When I talk to my friends, I start almost every conversation with "I'm all baby, all the time, and that's all I can talk about because that's my life right now."  Most understand.  And I certainly try to go easy on myself.  But it's hard, and I don't even miss my old life because I can't remember life before Wesley.  It all seems so far away.

I know he'll get older.  I know this too shall pass.  I know he'll grow like a weed right before my eyes, and before I'm ready he'll be off to preschool.  I know I need/want to enjoy every single moment.  But at this particular moment, I'd really just like 8 hours of straight sleep every night for a week.

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Wesley Pictures

These are all taken from Matt's phone...isn't Wesley adorable?  I admit, I'm biased!

Thursday, May 03, 2012

Two Months Old!

My dear Wesley,

My goodness, how you have GROWN in the last two months!  When we brought you home, your skin was so thin, there was no layer of fat.  I could look down at your neck and see your pulse beating.  Now, your cheeks and neck are getting so wonderfully pudgy.  I kiss them all the time and give you zerberts, while you look at me like I'm crazy.

While you are two months old, developmentally you are just four weeks.  This preemie thing really confuses your sleep deprived mommy sometimes.  I adjusted your birthday on so I know what is going on in your little body and what I need to practice with you this week.  Daddy and I are supposed to start helping you track movement, which supposedly helps develop your hand/eye coordination later on.  And it's working!  We got out your toy basket, and Daddy plays with your stuffed animals, doing crazy voices...improv training comes in quite handy for him.  But the mommy doesn't need toys.  You just follow me and my voice.  Precious boy.  :)

You snore when you sleep, you hate to be cold, and lately you've reverted back to wanting to be held until you fall asleep.  You love your blue binky more than any other.  You don't like your crib but love your bouncy chair, which is fine with us since now whoever is taking care of you can sleep on the couch.  Your poor parents are so sleep deprived, though, little boy, and I'm sorry we get mad.  It's not your fault.  An all liquid diet does mean you get hungry quite often.

We are also making the change to cloth diapers, and I giggle every time I see you in one.  Your body is still fairly small, and those diapers just make your bum look ever so huge!

Oh, and I should mention that you HATE bathtime.  Mostly after Daddy washes your head, because that's when you really get cold and start screaming.

And the screaming?  It's just gotten sadder over the last few weeks.  It started when you got your first round of shots and you discovered this sad sad wail that just broke our hearts.  Of course, now we've gotten used to it and soothe you and giggle, which just makes you scream harder.  I'm sorry, but it is kind of funny...

I love you, my sweet sweet chubby boy.  Keep up the good work on tummy time, keep smiling and laughing.  I love you so much, words can't describe how happy I am that you're here.


Thursday, April 26, 2012


I met with my midwife yesterday, a follow-up appointment to see how everything is going.  And everything is fine!  She oogled over photos of Wesley, and said we're doing a great job with him.

I asked her several questions about my health so forth, but it was her answer to this one that has just been eating at me:

"If we wanted to have another baby, could I carry it to term?"

"Well, now that you've had a preemie baby, your risk for having another one increases three times.  Once you're ready, we'll have you meet with a high-risk specialist and make a plan."

I should mention here that the topic of having another baby is off the table until next spring.

I suppose it's that phrase "high-risk" that's really eating at me.  I see more high blood pressure and swelling, lots of bedrest (I was on bedrest with Wesley the week prior to his birth), and more stress tests.  It scares me, frankly, but she encouraged me to not freak out because I did manage to get Wesley to 35 weeks.  I guess I need to focus on what I can control now, which is my diet and new exercise plan.  She gave me clearance to start walking and taking yoga classes.  She said that yoga in particular would be really good for me.  There is a community center not far from here, maybe 10 minutes or less, that offers a variety of classes and the gym membership is very decently priced.

So I guess you could say I'm trying to not over-anticipate, and I'm certainly not in any shape, mentally or physically, to go through another pregnancy any time soon.  I'm just worried and trying to shake my mind of what could happen down the road.  I have to keep in mind that I have an amazing opportunity now, to get myself healthy and in better shape so that if we do have another one, I'll be better prepared, and if not, well, I'll be able to fit into my pants better. :)

Monday, April 16, 2012

Mommy Musings

Wesley turned 6 weeks old last Saturday.  I have little room in my brain for more than eat, nap, and baby.  Getting out of the house on my own for more than two hours is utter bliss.  At least tomorrow he gets his shots (which I'm not looking forward to experiencing), which means I'll be more comfortable taking him on walks and into a few more public places.

I suppose the strangest thing, and from the mommies I've talked to, this is quite common, is the loneliness I feel.  And it's not because we're not without support, because people have been amazing.  It's the loneliness as a new mom, wondering if I'm already preparing my kid for future therapy sessions somehow.  I feel such an overwhelming sense of responsibility, that sometimes it's easier to just cry it out than think it out.  I went through a big phase of guilt, because he was premature and because I couldn't (and still can't) make enough milk (thank goodness for formula).  I'm doing all that I can but it's still really hard, and it's the one thing I was supposed to be able to do, quite easily.  But that's gone now.  Usually the breakdowns now only happen when I haven't eaten and/or slept for awhile, so I'm trying to keep myself on a better schedule. 

That's the other thing, taking care of myself is extremely difficult.  I'm supposed to sleep when he sleeps, right?  So where does all that other stuff come in, like eating and bathing, and a little time to myself now and then?  It was really hard a few weeks ago, oh I just had such a difficult time.  Everyone was making demands of me - pump often, take an epsom salts bath every night, sleep, eat, go for a walk, get out of the house, yada yada yada - and I absolutely know this all comes with the best intentions.  But hearing/feeling/thinking all these things at the same time, and add sleep deprivation?  Not a pretty sight.  That's when Matt sends me to bed.

On the upside, Wesley is absolutely thriving.  Last week at the doctor's office he weighed in at 7lb, 13 oz.  He's graduated from preemie clothes (that actually happened awhile ago) to newborn clothes, and is now in Size 1 diapers.  He is eating and sleeping regularly, aside from that "witching hour" that happens around 9 or 10pm (which I hear can be colic, and we'll be asking the doc about that tomorrow).  He has a double chin, and neck rolls.  We've started to hear sneak peaks as to what his laugh will sound like, and his smile takes up half his little face.  His cheeks are totally pudgy, his hair sticks straight up after a bath, and he has got a set of LUNGS, people, lemme tell you.  Singers lungs.  Wonder wear he gets that from?

I know this won't last forever.  I know that in a year, when he's walking or getting ready to, I'll long for the days where I could just cuddle him in my arms.  So I keep myself in check, reminding myself that he can't help how he feels, nor how he chooses to express himself, and it's my job to try out everything to keep him calm and happy.  There is no doubt in my mind that he is a beautiful little boy, and I'm a very lucky woman to be his mommy.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

New Mommy Thoughts

- I never imagined that my thoughts would be so consumed with poop and milk.

- Who knew that I could survive for 7 hours on 4 hours of sleep?

- When he smiles, it's the best feeling in the world!

- I had no idea that days could blend together so quickly.  There really is no sense of day or night.  Time is broken up into "When did he last eat?" which is about 2 to 3 hour increments. 

- I am frequently overwhelmed by the amazing and often scary amount of responsibility that comes with such a tiny, fragile human being. 

- How is he almost one month old already?

- Date night tomorrow night!  At a restaurant!  With CLOTH napkins!!

- I can never get enough sleep.  Ever.  I don't think I'll ever really sleep again.  Really.

- I get it now.  I really do.

 Little W loves to be free from swaddling blankets!

Monday, March 19, 2012

Wesley's Arrival - Part 2

The anti-nausea medication makes me a little wonky, so my memory from here on out is a little fuzzy.  The midwife checks me around 3, says she'll come back in another hour to check me again.  For the next hour, I'm in so much pain, and asking Matt every 5 to 10 minutes "Is it 4pm yet?"  I try yoga balls, I try yoga positions, and NOPE.  Not comfortable.  I just want to lean over on the bar in the bathroom to relieve this stupid, annoying, painful back labor.

Finally 4pm rolls around and the midwife checks me.  She says I'm ready for the epidural and gets me ready to be wheeled into the delivery room.  I'm completely out of it from the anti-nausea medication, and the contractions are so they get me into the wheelchair, and wheel me along to the delivery room, I just have my eyes closed the whole time.  Each contraction is more than I can take, and I'm in so much pain...I can't catch a break.  I'm SO excited for some relief!

I get to the delivery room.  People are coming in and out.  My Dad arrives, so does my Uncle Gregg and Aunt Diane.  Our doula from Spokane is on the way.  Brie is there.  Matt is pacing, getting nervous and excited.  I hear conversations about the anesthesiologist.  I hear the midwife talking about checking me soon, and I hear the nursery nurses getting the bassinet ready. I can't have skin to skin because he's a preemie and they have to check him first.  I hush everyone to please keep their voices down, the noise is overwhelming.  And the contractions just keep happening faster and faster.

She checks me, finally.  And I'm too far for the epidural.  So far, in fact, that, I', well I'm ready.  Within an hour I had gone from epidural time to "go time".  The midwife tells me I'm going to have to do this without drugs.

I manage to squeak out "WHAT?"

The men clear the room, aside from Matt.  He's on my left, Diane on my right.

This scream comes out of me, something so primal.  I've not heard it before.  It hurts, I'm tired, just get it OUT already!

And then, three pushes later, at 5:15pm, my son is born.  He's not crying at first, but he does quickly, and the nurses tend to him after Matt cuts the cord.  He has a huge cone head, and his little nose is squished so far over, but he's amazing and wonderful, and I can't wait to hold him.  But I have to stop shivering first.

I recover.  We go to a recovery room, and spend the next two nights saying "...a week ago we were at a baby shower..."

And here we are, today...Wesley is 16 days old.  He has gained so much weight, an ounce a day!   (At birth he was 4 pounds, 15 ounces and this last Friday he was 4 pounds, 14 ounces.  I bet he's 5 pounds by now!)  He's starting to get jowls, and his cheeks are getting chubby.  I can see his dimples, and his belly is rounding out.  He has most beautiful, soulful eyes, and a smile that just melts my heart. 

Monday, March 12, 2012

Wesley's Arrival - Part 1

So as most of you know, the week before Wesley was born, I was put on bed rest.  My sister came down towards the end of the week to cook me some food, do some laundry, and generally keep me company (and had the difficult task of keeping me off of my feet).  Saturday, March 3, she headed back to Seattle with Matt, who had a JourneyQuest meeting.  He'd be back in a few hours.  As they left, they barked at me to stay off my feet and get some sleep.

I was looking forward to having some time to myself, actually.  I was going to watch some stuff on Netflix/Hulu, catch-up on my thank-you notes, take a nap, etc.  But first, I needed to shower.

I bathe.  I get out.  I look at my belly in the mirror and grin.  I look down, and say "I can't wait to meet you."

Famous last words.

As if out of a movie, liquid comes gushing out of me.  RIGHT AFTER I GOT OUT OF THE SHOWER.  Ahem.  But I'll just skip the gruesome parts, and say that I called Matt, told him to come home NOW, and then called my midwife.  She wasn't concerned, but thought we should go to the hospital just to be on the safe side.  She was sure it wasn't amniotic fluid because I was only 35 weeks pregnant.

Matt comes home.  We pack a small bag, as I'm convinced I'm NOT in labor because I feel fine.  No contractions, no discomfort.  And we head to the hospital.  We checked in around 11:30am.  We get up to the Labor and Delivery part of the hosptial and there are 2 pregnant women ahead of me, clearly in labor.  Squeezing their faces in pain, grimacing, actually.  And I whisper to Matt, "That's not me.  I'm not in pain.  I'm fine."

Again, famous last words.

We check into a room, I get into the *not so glamarous* hospital gown, and wait.  The nurse says that they are going to check and make sure that the fluid isn''t amniotic, and if it is, then they'll have me stay in the hospital for a few weeks to let the baby "cook" a bit longer and get me on anti-biotics.  Ooo, sounds fun.  Not.  And of course, in the back of my mind, I think, "Oh GREAT.  A giant hospital bill. Just what we need."  Of course, I'm strapped onto monitors, one to hear the baby's heartbeat, and one to see if I'm having contractions.  Which, for the moment, I'm not.

Now this is where I start to lose my sense of time.  Let's just say that I start feeling some discomfort.  And it's happening again and again.  And before I know it, I'm in labor.  I'm not able to labor in water, because they're worried about my risk for infection.  Matt has to ask if I can labor out of bed because I'm having back labor (which thank GOD, they let me out of bed - back labor SUCKS).  I puke, I cry, and Matt is right there by my side.  The midwife comes in, says that based on my sudden contractions, we're having this baby today, and they're going to put me on an epidural (probably because of my high blood pressure but I honestly can't remember) when I hit a certain number, and I'm like "Great.  Sign me up."

So they check me around 3, I think, and say I probably have another few hours before the epidural can be administered.  But they do give me some anti-nausea medication so that I'm not horking all the time.

And with that, I need to go get some food before our little tree frog wakes up and makes his demands known.  This little boy is such a wonderful treasure.  I can't remember my life before he was born.  I'm relishing every moment.

Thursday, March 08, 2012

Automatic Daddy Chair Demo

I can't figure out how to flip the video, but I think you'll get the general idea...

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Baby Wesley!

Baby Wesley made an early arrival.  As in, a month early!  My water broke around 10am on March 3, and he was born at 5:15 that evening.  There's a very detailed, interesting story, and it all started with me getting out of the shower, looking down at my belly and saying "I can't wait to meet you!"

WHOOSH.  Water broke.  Not kidding!  It was like something out of a movie.

But I am too tired/overwhelmed/in love with our little boy and our new life as parents, so you'll just have to settle for some photos.  :)

Born 3/3/12
4lbs, 15 oz
17.5 inches long

We took him in to the pediatrician today and he's already gained back .8 of an ounce and grown about half an inch!