Wesley turned 6 weeks old last Saturday. I have little room in my brain for more than eat, nap, and baby. Getting out of the house on my own for more than two hours is utter bliss. At least tomorrow he gets his shots (which I'm not looking forward to experiencing), which means I'll be more comfortable taking him on walks and into a few more public places.
I suppose the strangest thing, and from the mommies I've talked to, this is quite common, is the loneliness I feel. And it's not because we're not without support, because people have been amazing. It's the loneliness as a new mom, wondering if I'm already preparing my kid for future therapy sessions somehow. I feel such an overwhelming sense of responsibility, that sometimes it's easier to just cry it out than think it out. I went through a big phase of guilt, because he was premature and because I couldn't (and still can't) make enough milk (thank goodness for formula). I'm doing all that I can but it's still really hard, and it's the one thing I was supposed to be able to do, quite easily. But that's gone now. Usually the breakdowns now only happen when I haven't eaten and/or slept for awhile, so I'm trying to keep myself on a better schedule.
That's the other thing, taking care of myself is extremely difficult. I'm supposed to sleep when he sleeps, right? So where does all that other stuff come in, like eating and bathing, and a little time to myself now and then? It was really hard a few weeks ago, oh I just had such a difficult time. Everyone was making demands of me - pump often, take an epsom salts bath every night, sleep, eat, go for a walk, get out of the house, yada yada yada - and I absolutely know this all comes with the best intentions. But hearing/feeling/thinking all these things at the same time, and add sleep deprivation? Not a pretty sight. That's when Matt sends me to bed.
On the upside, Wesley is absolutely thriving. Last week at the doctor's office he weighed in at 7lb, 13 oz. He's graduated from preemie clothes (that actually happened awhile ago) to newborn clothes, and is now in Size 1 diapers. He is eating and sleeping regularly, aside from that "witching hour" that happens around 9 or 10pm (which I hear can be colic, and we'll be asking the doc about that tomorrow). He has a double chin, and neck rolls. We've started to hear sneak peaks as to what his laugh will sound like, and his smile takes up half his little face. His cheeks are totally pudgy, his hair sticks straight up after a bath, and he has got a set of LUNGS, people, lemme tell you. Singers lungs. Wonder wear he gets that from?
I know this won't last forever. I know that in a year, when he's walking or getting ready to, I'll long for the days where I could just cuddle him in my arms. So I keep myself in check, reminding myself that he can't help how he feels, nor how he chooses to express himself, and it's my job to try out everything to keep him calm and happy. There is no doubt in my mind that he is a beautiful little boy, and I'm a very lucky woman to be his mommy.