Thursday, April 26, 2012


I met with my midwife yesterday, a follow-up appointment to see how everything is going.  And everything is fine!  She oogled over photos of Wesley, and said we're doing a great job with him.

I asked her several questions about my health so forth, but it was her answer to this one that has just been eating at me:

"If we wanted to have another baby, could I carry it to term?"

"Well, now that you've had a preemie baby, your risk for having another one increases three times.  Once you're ready, we'll have you meet with a high-risk specialist and make a plan."

I should mention here that the topic of having another baby is off the table until next spring.

I suppose it's that phrase "high-risk" that's really eating at me.  I see more high blood pressure and swelling, lots of bedrest (I was on bedrest with Wesley the week prior to his birth), and more stress tests.  It scares me, frankly, but she encouraged me to not freak out because I did manage to get Wesley to 35 weeks.  I guess I need to focus on what I can control now, which is my diet and new exercise plan.  She gave me clearance to start walking and taking yoga classes.  She said that yoga in particular would be really good for me.  There is a community center not far from here, maybe 10 minutes or less, that offers a variety of classes and the gym membership is very decently priced.

So I guess you could say I'm trying to not over-anticipate, and I'm certainly not in any shape, mentally or physically, to go through another pregnancy any time soon.  I'm just worried and trying to shake my mind of what could happen down the road.  I have to keep in mind that I have an amazing opportunity now, to get myself healthy and in better shape so that if we do have another one, I'll be better prepared, and if not, well, I'll be able to fit into my pants better. :)

Monday, April 16, 2012

Mommy Musings

Wesley turned 6 weeks old last Saturday.  I have little room in my brain for more than eat, nap, and baby.  Getting out of the house on my own for more than two hours is utter bliss.  At least tomorrow he gets his shots (which I'm not looking forward to experiencing), which means I'll be more comfortable taking him on walks and into a few more public places.

I suppose the strangest thing, and from the mommies I've talked to, this is quite common, is the loneliness I feel.  And it's not because we're not without support, because people have been amazing.  It's the loneliness as a new mom, wondering if I'm already preparing my kid for future therapy sessions somehow.  I feel such an overwhelming sense of responsibility, that sometimes it's easier to just cry it out than think it out.  I went through a big phase of guilt, because he was premature and because I couldn't (and still can't) make enough milk (thank goodness for formula).  I'm doing all that I can but it's still really hard, and it's the one thing I was supposed to be able to do, quite easily.  But that's gone now.  Usually the breakdowns now only happen when I haven't eaten and/or slept for awhile, so I'm trying to keep myself on a better schedule. 

That's the other thing, taking care of myself is extremely difficult.  I'm supposed to sleep when he sleeps, right?  So where does all that other stuff come in, like eating and bathing, and a little time to myself now and then?  It was really hard a few weeks ago, oh I just had such a difficult time.  Everyone was making demands of me - pump often, take an epsom salts bath every night, sleep, eat, go for a walk, get out of the house, yada yada yada - and I absolutely know this all comes with the best intentions.  But hearing/feeling/thinking all these things at the same time, and add sleep deprivation?  Not a pretty sight.  That's when Matt sends me to bed.

On the upside, Wesley is absolutely thriving.  Last week at the doctor's office he weighed in at 7lb, 13 oz.  He's graduated from preemie clothes (that actually happened awhile ago) to newborn clothes, and is now in Size 1 diapers.  He is eating and sleeping regularly, aside from that "witching hour" that happens around 9 or 10pm (which I hear can be colic, and we'll be asking the doc about that tomorrow).  He has a double chin, and neck rolls.  We've started to hear sneak peaks as to what his laugh will sound like, and his smile takes up half his little face.  His cheeks are totally pudgy, his hair sticks straight up after a bath, and he has got a set of LUNGS, people, lemme tell you.  Singers lungs.  Wonder wear he gets that from?

I know this won't last forever.  I know that in a year, when he's walking or getting ready to, I'll long for the days where I could just cuddle him in my arms.  So I keep myself in check, reminding myself that he can't help how he feels, nor how he chooses to express himself, and it's my job to try out everything to keep him calm and happy.  There is no doubt in my mind that he is a beautiful little boy, and I'm a very lucky woman to be his mommy.