Monday, August 31, 2009


I got back late last night from a rousing trip to Seattle. I had a great time and stayed busy, visiting with family and friends. I will write more later, but I just wanted to let everyone know that we are so far, safe from the forest fires. When we flew in last night, we could see the fires from the air and it was quite scary. I overheard another passenger say that those flames could be 100 feet high! I'm not sure if that's true, but there was one patch that seemed...well, angry. Bursting with orange, red, and a little bit of yellow, it seemed to grow in size right before our eyes.

Outside it's hot and dry. I had dreams about things catching on fire last night and us evacuating with just our cats and clothes. It occurred to me that we wouldn't know where to go should that happen. A hotel for a night or two, probably. We aren't in the fires path, there's another hill before we have to be too concerned, but the air quality is pretty nasty so we'll be leaving the a/c on for awhile. It smells like we have a campfire in our backyard, which would be great if it were actually a contained campfire and the air didn't look consistently foggy.

I won't be renewing my monthly membership at the outdoor pool anytime soon, not until the air clears up. The warnings state that we have to not exert ourselves outside, drink plenty of water, and to be inside with air-conditioning. I think we can manage that!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Traveling Girl

I travel. Alot. Every two months I go up to Seattle for work, get to see my Dad and my sister, and hang out with family and friends. Many of my friends here in L.A. gaffaw at the image of the air miles I've racked up, saying "I can't believe how much you travel!" and sometimes I do too. It can be annoying, packing and unpacking, living out of a suitcase. I don't like being away from Matt so much, and all this travel does tire me out. I have to take a few days upon returning home to settle back into my life here. And most of you have heard my complaints at time that going up North means that I also have to deal with drama-mama. I don't think anyone ever looks forward to drama.

That being said, I don't have a traditional life. I don't work a traditional job with traditional hours. My husband is a writer, and I guess you could say I'm kind of a contractor at this point. The jobs that I've had, and the work that I am currently doing, they are all helping me meet my goal, which is to eventually run a bed and breakfast. It is really exciting for me to finally have a sense of direction, to know that what I am doing now will pay off in a big way later on in my life. The fact that I have 2 jobs in this economy is pretty darn good, I'd say, and rather than thinking of "Gawd, I have to travel to Seattle again, " I'm going to start thinking of it as "Guess what? I get to go to Seattle and see my family and friends on a regular basis. How awesome is that?" Because truly, it is awesome. I have friends who don't get to see their loved ones on a regular basis, not even once a year. I am blessed to have this opportunity because it won't be around forever, so I may as well take advantage of it while I can. An extra bonus is that I meet all kinds of interesting people. I met a VP of Disney and a former trustee of a Pasadena Museum. I wonder who I'll meet tonight?

Guess what I get to do tonight? Travel to Seattle.

And next month? I'll head up for a quick few nights to help Katie shop for and move into her dorm at Evergreen State College in Olympia. Freshman year is a big deal, and I'm glad I am around to help during this transition.

October? Heading up for a week to visit with Dad, go to the family cider press, and head to Gearhart, Oregon for 3 lovely nights to celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary.

Christmas? The only way you'll get me on a plane is if my in-laws are visiting from Istanbul. :D A girl has to set her boundaries at some point!

I am traveling. On a plane and within my life. Aren't we all?

Friday, August 21, 2009


August is always a tough month for me. It's full of birthdays and celebration of life, but always seems to be overshadowed by another event. And it's why I haven't blogged much lately. I'm confused by my thoughts and feelings, trying to sort them out, but I get frustrated and stop.

Last Saturday was so much fun. We met up with a bunch of friends at Malibu Family Wines, drank excellent wine and ate good food. The company was fabulous and the after-party was equally entertaining. Rock Band at the Early's, what could be better?

I bring this up because my friend Dave asked me what was on my mind and I said, without missing a beat, "My Mom". And he looked surprised, and Katy, who was standing next to me, put her hand on my back in a soothing manner, and I continued with "I'm not sad, I just miss her." And that's just it. I am missing her every single day. I think of her all the time. Sometimes with anger and sadness because she was taken away too soon, but sometimes with happiness and awe, that I got to have her as my Mom, I was that lucky to have her in my life in such an amazing way.

I get tired of talking about it. I am sure that people sometimes get tired of hearing or reading about it. But I'm also getting pretty good at reading people, and can tell very quickly if they don't want to hear about it, so I quickly change the subject. I'm not offended, sometimes they are tired of the subject and/or fret because they don't know what to say. And that's alright. This is ultimately my own journey through grief and it's up to me to figure it out. I am so incredibly grateful for my amazing support of friends and family. I don't know where I'd be without you guys.

I've been reading old blog posts from 2006 and 2007 to help dig up old memories about the experience for this essay that I'm writing. First prices is three grand and two round-trip-tickets to NYC plus lunch with the magazine editors. I doubt I'll win, but why not try? Maybe this is what I need to do to move on with my grieving process. I feel stuck and I don't like it. But at least I can open that recipe box now without bursting into tears.

Friday, August 14, 2009

I can't help myself

I am missing her today, of course, of all days. Memories are flooding my brain, emotions are running high.

These days don't happen too often anymore, but this particular week, for the past few years, has been especially rough, and luckily every year I seem to be getting a little better. Progress, I guess.

I won't let the anger and sadness overwhelm me today, but I'll let them settle somewhere. I have fun plans today, and I'm going to do my very best to not let them get in the way of me having a good time.

And I have the greatest husband, who listens to me, even in the wee hours of the morning.

Monday, August 10, 2009

My idea of a good birthday...

Swim in the morning... (maybe)


Work, and my yearly review (yay)...

Dinner at the Tam O'Shanter...

Movie - Julie and Julia...

Time with hubby...

It's been a wonderful 30th year, full of growth and realizations. At this moment, I love my life, I love my friends and family. 31 will be a good year. I can tell.

Saturday, August 08, 2009

Journey of Emotions

Since my last blog post about depression, I've actually been doing quite well. Denial helps, so do distractions with work, movies, and cooking. I have been sleeping more, feeling exhausted for pretty much no reason. But at least I know what to expect now. I was talking with Paige about this earlier, and she reminded me how far I've come. That the first anniversary I was so upset and crying all the time, and that last year I was just really angry and pissed. This year I think it's a mix of both, but I am far less emotional. I don't know if I'm just keeping it all in, or if I'm just doing my absolute best to accept the truth, accept that she's not around anymore, and move on. I can't tell. Maybe after this month, I'll know. When you're in it, it's difficult to see clearly.

I have been feeling good for many reasons. I really enjoy my job at Roadside. It's challenging in many ways, mostly because I suck at numbers. My cousin Gus, who works for a high-profile accounting type firm, said the great thing about working with numbers is that at the end of the day, it all has to add up properly or you know something is wrong. I remember that advice every time I go into work. And as far as my other job goes, they are certainly keeping me busy. I have lots to do today, and most of it involved sitting at my computer and getting caught up with projects. Matt had a job interview last week for a writer's assistant position, and that was exciting! We'll find out next week if he got the job. He also got re-hired at Epic Level, which is wonderful, and he is getting paid to write, which is the best part. I'm really proud of him.

I'm also more committed to swimming and getting healthy. I may always have hips and thighs the size of small tree trunks, but I also remind myself that I've lost 25 pounds during the last 2 years and have managed to keep it off. I went from a size 14 to a size 8/10 (depending on the brand of clothing), and I think that's pretty good! Now it's all about toning, and when I work out, the stress level goes down, I sleep better and I am more conscious about what I eat. It all balances out, and I am starting to feel a little better about the body I have. Working with my curves can be fun and not a challenge. I have to remember that.

All in all, I'm ok. Not bad, not super-duper-happy. But I am satisfied. In talking with Jenny last night, I realized how much I love my life, and our life. Kids will come along eventually, but for now, I'm overall very happy with where I'm at.

P.S. My in-laws leave for Istanbul very very soon! Greg takes off on Tuesday (yes, meaning 8/11, like in 3 freaking days) and Nancy leaves 8/20. Can you believe it?