Saturday, August 08, 2009

Journey of Emotions

Since my last blog post about depression, I've actually been doing quite well. Denial helps, so do distractions with work, movies, and cooking. I have been sleeping more, feeling exhausted for pretty much no reason. But at least I know what to expect now. I was talking with Paige about this earlier, and she reminded me how far I've come. That the first anniversary I was so upset and crying all the time, and that last year I was just really angry and pissed. This year I think it's a mix of both, but I am far less emotional. I don't know if I'm just keeping it all in, or if I'm just doing my absolute best to accept the truth, accept that she's not around anymore, and move on. I can't tell. Maybe after this month, I'll know. When you're in it, it's difficult to see clearly.

I have been feeling good for many reasons. I really enjoy my job at Roadside. It's challenging in many ways, mostly because I suck at numbers. My cousin Gus, who works for a high-profile accounting type firm, said the great thing about working with numbers is that at the end of the day, it all has to add up properly or you know something is wrong. I remember that advice every time I go into work. And as far as my other job goes, they are certainly keeping me busy. I have lots to do today, and most of it involved sitting at my computer and getting caught up with projects. Matt had a job interview last week for a writer's assistant position, and that was exciting! We'll find out next week if he got the job. He also got re-hired at Epic Level, which is wonderful, and he is getting paid to write, which is the best part. I'm really proud of him.

I'm also more committed to swimming and getting healthy. I may always have hips and thighs the size of small tree trunks, but I also remind myself that I've lost 25 pounds during the last 2 years and have managed to keep it off. I went from a size 14 to a size 8/10 (depending on the brand of clothing), and I think that's pretty good! Now it's all about toning, and when I work out, the stress level goes down, I sleep better and I am more conscious about what I eat. It all balances out, and I am starting to feel a little better about the body I have. Working with my curves can be fun and not a challenge. I have to remember that.

All in all, I'm ok. Not bad, not super-duper-happy. But I am satisfied. In talking with Jenny last night, I realized how much I love my life, and our life. Kids will come along eventually, but for now, I'm overall very happy with where I'm at.

P.S. My in-laws leave for Istanbul very very soon! Greg takes off on Tuesday (yes, meaning 8/11, like in 3 freaking days) and Nancy leaves 8/20. Can you believe it?

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