Wednesday, July 29, 2009

It's that time of year...

...and so the battle with depression begins.

The signs are always the same. Lack of energy, always wanting to sleep, not wanting to do anything, but feel lonely because I'm NOT doing anything. (Matt's not home until Monday, so it's really quiet around here.)

Three years ago yesterday I flew up to Seattle to help take care of Mom and within three weeks she was gone. The shock of her in a wheelchair, unable to use even a walker, and her voice and surprise as she saw me in the living room that day...images are continually flooding my memory and I struggle to not cry throughout the day.

Every year, I always hope that I'll feel better around the end of July, that it won't be so bad, but it just is, and I have to just let the feelings wash over me while still living my life, and it's not easy. This is my grieving process and no matter what anyone says, no matter how many times I hear the words "You have to get over this", for me, it's easier said than done. Grief is a process and some days, some months, even some years are better than others.

It sucks. It just plain old SUCKS.

Today I broke down at work, not expecting too...poor Katy just asked me how I was doing and I launched in as the big alligator tears came spilling out. Crying is bad enough, but at work or in public just feels so embarrassing. She kidnapped me to lunch and I felt better after a hearty lunch with a side of root beer. But by the time I got home, I was feeling sad and sleepy again, so I ate and took a nap. I'm going out dancing with Katy tonight, even though my brain is fighting me. It wants another pity party. But I'm refusing.

It's complicated.

It's just that time of year.


Dahli said...

Hang in there lady. There is nothing wrong with grieving no matter how much time has passed. Your mom will always be an important facet of your life and being. She must have been a pretty fabulous woman and I am sure that she smiles down on you every day.

emilie said...

Hugs and prayers to you and to your Matt from me and my Matt, Camille. Maybe try to sneak some happy memories and images of her into those big tears? She loves you still, friend. And so do we. :)

K T said...

I am so sorry people are saying, "You just need to get over it". Obviously, you should never get over your mom-and when you are ready you will not grieve with big alligator tears. Until then, do what feels best during this hard time. Though it may not feel like it, I am sure there are subtle differences between each year's grief... but regardless, you will always feel the pain, the sorrow, the joy, and the happy memories of your times together (especially during this time of year). So embrace your memories, and hold dear to your friends and living family members who love you! Good luck and God bless!