Thursday, August 26, 2010

I know, I know, it's been awhile.

And my apologies. Life gets me sidetracked, and frankly it's been easier (and faster) to update the goings on of life via facebook and twitter rather than trying to come up with a witty paragraph or pouring my heart out online.

Rehearsals are going well. We are three weeks in and already off book! I am so impressed and honored to be part of this show.

Work is fine. I've been fighting off a cold and stayed home yesterday. I am feeling better, except that I was a bad girl last night and had a chocolate macaroon after 9pm, therefore last night's sleep wasn't as restful. When will I learn that I shouldn't have sugar at night? Why must I test this theory, especially when I'm fighting off an illness?

I miss my friends in L.A. I miss having weekdays off and being able to get things done. I sometimes loathe spending 2 hours a day in the car, only to be home for an hour or so before leaving for rehearsal. I can tell that I'm going to miss L.A.'s winter weather of sun and warmth. This cold weather changes is already starting to get to me.

Next weekend I'm taking a few days of vacation and heading to Spokane to visit family. Technically, I'll only be in the Spokane area. As my grandpa passed away a few years ago, he was the only blood relative that lived there the last few times I visited. Now I'll be sticking around Nine Mile Falls and St. John. Matt has several cousins that live in Spokane proper, though, and I'm hoping to see them too. I'll be cramming quite a bit into 4 days. I will likely need a vacation from my vacation!

My poor elliptical machine. I bought it just before I got a part in the play. And I really want to use it. After rehearsals are done and the performances are in full swing, I'll be using that sucker more often.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Four Years

I keep wondering if August 14 will ever come and go, like any other day. I wonder if it will get better, if the grief won't be so strong. Was it because she was so sick for so long? Is it because I'm forgetting what her voice sounded like? I don't want to be sad today. It's a good day. It's beautiful outside, we had an amazing rehearsal, and I'm getting my hair trimmed today. I might even go out for a beer. My life is going so well. So I repeat: I don't want to be sad today. But it's tugging at me, wanting a dramatic, teary, sobbing, messy acknowledgment. I don't want to give in.

Perhaps it's because since she died, this is the first time I've been in the Northwest during this time of year. I have a chance to go to her grave, on my own, and leave flowers, to talk to her. In years past, I've sought out some sort of activity to distract myself, to help me move on. OR, like last year, I'm fine and go about life, and then break into a huge sob at work, and friends kidnap me to lunch. Grief and sorrow show up in such unpredictable ways. I am trying to remember what my chiropractor told me, to not ignore my process, to just feel the way I want to feel, even if it's just for five minutes, or otherwise it's going to build up and get worse.

Just not today. Any day but today.

I know she wants me to continue being her happy girl, happy with the way life is going, happy that I'm in a show, happy that I have a loving husband and our marriage is stronger than ever. I need to focus on that. It's a vicious cycle, sometimes...happy sad happy's exhausting. Confusing. Draining. I wish I could just put a stop to it. But I don't want this process to get worse, I don't want to spoil my entire weekend. So I'll let it go, a few minutes at a time, wallow in sadness and grief for a few minutes now and then.

During rehearsal today, I realized that this upcoming show is the first play that she won't see. She won't be in the audience, grinning and cheering me on. I almost "went there" but chose not to. At that moment, it wasn't about her but about me and my choice to take control. I am tired of crying during the summers, I'm tired of meltdowns and having a red, blotchy face. I just want to celebrate her life, not grieve what I don't have anymore.

And yet, for today, I have to just go through my process...grief. Sadness. Melancholy. And a slight trace of pity.

Sunday, August 08, 2010

Back On Stage

I got a part in Lakewood Playhouse's production of Sherlock Holmes and The Doom of Devilsmoor! I am playing Miss Ann Prahlly, the young woman who is quite affable and according to the character description "has the slightest traces of giddiness."

I can't tell you how fulfilled I am feeling these days. I am so incredibly (and somewhat annoyingly) happy and energetic. It feels so good to be doing what I love to do, and to be recognized for it in the most amazing way. Matt says that I am the happiest and content when I am acting, and it's true. It's my creative outlet and I love love love being a part of the theater.

The show runs from September 24 to October 24. More details to come, as we open in about 6 weeks! :)

Monday, August 02, 2010

Five years later...

...And I totally ROCKED my first audition!

I had heard through the grapevine that the director didn't laugh easily. Well, I made her laugh.


And I got a callback for Saturday morning! Out of 3 female parts, she is considering me for two of them.

I am SO proud of myself! It felt so natural to be back in the theater. And thanks very much to all for the support, and to the hubby, who was wonderfully supportive and listened to my monologue about twenty bajillion times.

My goal was to get a callback, and I achieved that goal. So, from here on out, I'm ok with the outcome... least for now. Ask me how I'm feeling after callbacks. :)