That's It. Time For Change.

I threw out my back again for the second time since May.  I have a weak core, which means I have a weak back.  This time it's really bad.  I am wearing the ugliest back brace you've ever seen, and I can't even take care of my son.  If he cries, someone else has to pick him up.  It's awful. 

I hate it.

It's time seriously, and I mean SERIOUSLY make some changes in my habits.  I don't want Wesley to grow up eating the way I do now.  He's watching what we eat, and what better motivation to make some changes so that I can teach my child that fruits and veggies are nummy?  I want him to take pride in his appearance and feel good. 
I feel awful about myself.  I don't like how I look or how I feel.  And I don't want to teach that to my son.

I made a call to a local fitness bootcamp in Tacoma today.  I'll call them back tomorrow.  I need to talk to my chiropractor to see if my body is ready for something like that as of Monday, or if I need to wait a little longer. 

It sucks that it took my back feeling THIS BAD to give me a serious wake-up call.  But sometimes that has to happen in order to make life better.

And can I tell you how excited I am to purge the pantry next week?  It's going to be a good day.

Things can only go up from here.

Middle Of The Night Madness

I sleep with earplugs because I'm a sensitive sleeper.  This means I can't hear myself snoring, and it's apparently pretty bad.  I don't know what to do.  Google, which is not my friend, says that it's most likely due to increased fluids in the body which includes my nasal passages.  I'm going to see if I can find those nasal strips at the drug store so that Hubby and I can both sleep.  I do sleep on my side.  I can try sleeping with my head elevated.  It supposedly gets worse into the third trimester.  Of course, increased snoring can be a warning sign for preeclampsia (which I've been tested for and was negative) or pregnancy apnea.  I'm supposed to ask Hubby if I'm sputter or cough at all while snoring, which I'm pretty sure I don't, because I'd wake myself up! I realize that one of us can sleep in another space, and it might just come down to that. 

I am 33 weeks pregnant, almost 34 (on Thursday) and I have truly begun the "done being pregnant/ready to meet my kid" phase.  I know he still has some cooking to do, but the swelling hands, feet, and ankles is really starting to annoy me.  Big time.  I have pregnancy induced carpel tunnel in my right hand all of the time.  There seems to be very little relief from it, aside from accpuncture.  This makes it difficult to write thank-you notes, to eat, use a can opener, open packages, etc.  There's numbness and tingling. 

I feel SO FAT.  All the weight gain is in my upper body, which I know is good, and I apparently still am not waddling.  I guess from behind you can't even tell I'm pregnant.  But these last several days I've felt like a whale and just wanted to stay in bed all day.  The emotions are out of control, I feel like crying most of the time.  I guess I'm just not in a good place tonight.  My last day at work is March 1, and from then on I'll be working at home full time up until baby boy arrives.  I plan on upping the workouts - swimming 2 times a week and yoga 2 times a week.  Right now the exercise has dwindled to yoga once a week, and an occasional walk.  Not good enough.  But I am drinking more water and aside from this weekend, watching my sodium intake, and that's helping me feel a little better. 

I should go back to bed soon.  I'm just trying to give Hubby a chance to sleep before I start snoring again. 

I'm also freaked out a little about labor and delivery.  I know, I know, women have been doing this for centuries, without drugs, and I can do it too.  But I haven't done this before.  My mom isn't here to tell me about her experience, what her warning signs were.  I am reading Ina May's Guild to Childbirth, which is helpful, but I'd get more relief if I just knew how my little sister and I arrived in this world.  There's only so much my relatives know.  I want to know what it FELT like, was she scared, excited, how did she cope with the pain, etc.  So many questions that will go unanswered. 

Last night I had my first panic attack about parenthood.  Full on tears, red in the face, hyperventilating, wondering "howamigoingtodothis" and "whatamigettingmyselfinto" fits of emotion.  I know everything will be fine, I know I'll figure it out just like all other first time Moms.  But at that moment, and moments in between, I panic.  And I write blog posts at 3am.  

I suppose you could say that missing Mom is at the root of all these "emotionally charged states" as Hubby likes to call them (it sounds better than my term, which is "complete meltdowns").  And yes, he's mostly right.  And that's all that I have to say about that topic. 

The friends baby shower, hosted by one of my best friends, Brie, was over the weekend and it was so lovely.  So many people turned up, and I was overwhelmed by the love and joy for this new life coming into the world.  What an amazing group of friends!

On that note, it's time for me to try and get some more shut-eye while I still can. 

Annoyed

Preface: If you are going to comment, I ask for constructive criticism or support, nothing sarcastic or otherwise. Thank you. :)

I'm annoyed when I hear the quote "You had better get all the sleep you can before the baby comes!" Or, "All that insomnia is going to prepare you for baby!" I can't believe I said this to my friends (and I'm so sorry I did) because I would love nothing better than to sleep through the night. But my bladder is working overtime for 2, and never mind the fact that at 28 weeks, it's difficult to get comfortable with my growing belly...and I still have a long way to go. (Hello, future best friend - body pillow.) Sometimes I wake up sniffly and sneezing. Sometimes I wake up freaked out and harried, wondering if baby boy is ok. Or it's that I'm 11 weeks from my due date and there's still so much to do. Or how we're going to make this work financially. How this will change family dynamics. Everything.

The melt-downs have arrived in full force. Hubby calls them "emotionally charged events", which is true. Things that normally don't bother me turn me into a tantrum throwing 2 year old, or a weepy 14 year old girl who's boyfriend dumped her and suddenly my life is over. I had two or three in the last week. Usually they happen at 1am, or at dinner, when Hubby and I haven't seen each other all day. And while I'm surrounded by an amazing community of girlfriends, family, mamas and non-mamas, (and let's not forget my incredible husband), there are moments/days where I feel utterly alone and overwhelmed.

People have been asking for pictures of my pregnant self on Facebook. Friends who are also pregnant have posted pictures on FB, and that's good for them. I'll tell you what. If you want one, email me or text me and I'll send it to you. I don't really want to share my pregnant self on Facebook. I can't explain why, it's just me (though I'm sure there will be some after the baby showers next month) and my strange self. I feel fat and unattractive, and that's not the best time to post photos!

"Oh my god, you've gotten HUGE!!" (again, I apologize to my friends who I've said this to) My uncle said this to me at a family gathering, and I said "NO. My SON has gotten bigger. Not me. Please, know the difference." This comes from my 14 year old ballet dancing self, and with that comes major body issues. And that is a subject for another blog post.

Tiny Rant

I donate to Heifer twice a year, at least. I pay the neighbor kid to mow my yard, and when times are tough, I give him the leftovers from our fridge. I donate food to canned food drives. I really don't appreciate being begged for money from random strangers who knock on my door while I'm trying to cook dinner. Seriously, it's time to get the garage cleaned out so we can park our car in there, and strangers won't think we're home. I don't mean to sound cold, but we have bills, a mortgage, and student loans to pay...leave me alone!

Exhaustion

It's rare that I'm in bed before 11:30pm on weeknights.

And when you get up at 5:30am, suddenly that alarm clock is deafening, and you wonder what the hell you're doing, getting up so early in the morning. "Just a few more minutes", you think. Caffeine no longer seems to help, and it's all you can do to just get through the day.

Even rehearsals, that I generally look forward to, are now testing me in ways that I had forgotten about and/or ways I didn't think was possible. My old self is creeping out with attachments and anxiety, perfection and defensiveness. Maybe it will be good for my character, who knows.

I really don't like this cranky, testy personality.

But I guess one good thing, in all of this, is that PJ is no longer peeing on the carpet in the hall.

Late nights

You know what I can't stand? When I exhaust myself by working out, staying up throughout the day, getting stuff done, being fairly productive. It's night time, I'm tired, and I lay my head down to go to sleep, and BAM! I'm wide awake. My brain is suddenly not distracted by pretty things like Gmail and Facebook. Now we have time to WORRY and STRESS over things that are either in motion or more than likely, over things that have not happened yet. Yes, yours truly loves to fret over future events that may or may not occur. Lovely, eh? Bet you thought I was crazy before...man you don't even know. Bless my husband, for he is a saint.

Results. NOW.

**Disclaimer: I'm grousing, no need for advice. I just need to get this out. **

We've made many cuts in our finances these last few weeks. The savings will show up. But I want to see them NOW. I'm not a patient person when it comes to money. I'm just not patient in general.

And we've really changed our lifestyle over the years. We have both made large sacrifices. I'm cranky, grumpy, and not wanting nor able to make any more changes. I want to see results for the efforts we've made. Is that too much to ask for?

A bit of a rant:

To the young man and the young woman yesterday:

Just because I exit from the grocery store with a cart full of groceries or depart from Fantastic Sams does not give you permission to immediately assume I'm ready to deplete my bank account again.  Don't give me sad eyes and tell me how much your charity needs my money after I've told you I can't afford to give you any (I need my money more, bucko).  

And to the young man?  You got my attention with reversing the Prop 8 decision, you got me all rev'd up about making sure our state gives people equal rights, making me believe that you wanted me to sign something.  Instead, you hand me a donation form and ask for $88?  What the hell?  We're in an effing recession, DUDE.  You're not going to even tell me where my money is going to go.  Paying your salary?  Don't make me feel guilty when I already contribute to 2 charities yearly.  I can't afford to help save everyone and everything.  I already help feed the hungry and contribute to saving animals.  You'll have my vote when Prop 8 is on the ballot, but you won't have my money.

Limits

We all have our limits and I have definitely reached mine. I am a moody you-know-what these days and since Matt's not here I've unfortunately been taking it out on my friends. Bursting into tears at random moments, having a hard time sleeping, finding comfort in food and friends...thank goodness I've known them long enough that they're not telling me to bugger off.

I am tired of talking about how I'm doing, how Matt's doing, how my life has been these last weeks, especially the last few days. I don't want to think about friends possibly moving, family members dying, phone bills...my inbox is full.

Check out his blog, and that'll give you a good idea of how we're both doing. Em's wedding on Saturday will be a welcome relief from the stresses of everyday life.

Comfort

When Matt & I moved to Puyallup (pronounced pew-al-up), I started a new job as assistant director of a daycare (kids from wee newborns to challenging 12 year olds). Depression set in as I hated my job but did my best because those kids deserved better. I gained weight almost immediately and was grieving my grandma's sudden passing. Days were filled with naps and eating, and more sleep. And eating. I found so much comfort in food. Finally I saw a counselor that knew what she was talking about (and I was also ready to listen), and diagnosed me with severe depression. I burst into tears and called a good friend afterwards who told me that depression isn't always a life-long struggle. Sometimes it's just temporary. So I started taking anti-depressants and for the first time in a long time, I felt normal. I didn't feel out of control. I could handle my emotions! I wasn't abnormal! Through counseling and this medication, I worked through my issues and was done with being medicated after one year. Of course, after Mom died, I went back on meds and to counseling for awhile (I'm off the meds, but still in counseling).

These days, when depression hits, I force myself to go out and distract myself from the thoughts and moods in my head. I still find a lot of comfort in food. In Washington, I'd cook a lot of comfort food to make myself feel better (and also warm myself off beacuse it was frickin cold!) Macaroni and cheese, tuna casserole, cheesecake, chicken strips, chicken noodle soup, all with salads that were heavy on cream-based dressing. It's no wonder I gained 20 pounds. Today I still struggle with my relationship with my old comforting friends. I don't buy snacks, ice cream, soda becuase I'll eat it. It's hard, but what's worth more? Drinking water and eating apple slices or feeling guilty because I ate a box of cheez-its in 2 days and now I have to work it off? It's a struggle every day for me to make the right choices when it comes to food, and lately, I need to find comfort in my real friends rather than that 1/2 pint of Ben and Jerry's that is still in my freezer.

Survival Mode

I have many reasons to be in this mode, most of which for what my husband is going through right now with his family. My mother gave me some wise advice when I got married - "Protect your in-laws." And that's what I'll do, but it's safe to say that I'm worried for Matt and his family. I'm not sure what will happen, I have never been in this situation before. Matt is in Seattle now, and I can only support him in what he chooses to do from here on out. If you pray, please pray for his family. If you send loving/supportive thoughts/energy, please do so. I'm worried.

As for me, I'm in survival mode for other things too. Personal things that are slowly being uncovered and I don't want to get into on the internets. I am still mad, still angry, still pissy and moody. Not a pleasant person to be around these days. I'm easily distracted and just want to escape. I think Cindy said it best in a blog post a few months ago - "I just don't feel like being responsible today." Except instead of one day, it's been many days and I need to keep going, to keep living.

I wish I could say more, but really I just wanted to get this out in the open, where I'm at and where I stand. I thoguht I'd get out of this mode in a few days but I think it will be a few weeks, maybe a month or more. I just have to ride this wave and see where it goes.

P.S. We did have some fun last night, thank goodness!

Mood

I'm just in a funk today. Nothing bad has happened. Went swimming at the fabulous outdoor pool with Gayvin, went to the farmer's market, picked up yummy veggies and had a delicious lunch. Pagie B came over for a bit and now I'm wandering the internets in search of something to help me feel better (this is why I don't keep snack food in the house -- emotional eating is not good for me). I don't really want to be around anyone now, don't want to talk about "it", just in a funk. I don't want anyone to make me feel better, I just want to let it pass without feeling the pressure to have to be perky and happy.

I hate this mood. Maybe I should go take a nap and see if that helps get rid of it.

Momentary Financial Panic

About once a month, I go through a momentary panic where I truly believe we're going to run out of money tomorrow, that no raises are coming, investors and managers won't sign Matt, movies won't get made and we'll be left in the dust, broke and heartbroken.

Yes, I'm being dramatic, but at midnight that's about the best I can do.

I worry that we'll have to move back to Seattle. I worry that we'll have to move in with my Dad or his folks and be reliant on others rather than ourselves. I worry that we'll never not be broke, that we'll never stop living paycheck to paycheck. I worry that I'll never stop worrying and yet I'm always hoping that maybe next month, maybe next year, things will be better.

I've been talking about how confident I am about our financial situation but the truth is I'm terrified. Really and truly. I don't know what's going to happen in the next few years. We want a house of our own, and a child. But there's this giant black cloud of graudate student loans in deferement that seems like it will never be paid off. Our monthly bills aren't completely covered, even though we have cut costs significantly. More than significantly. I guess I shouldn't have bought that domain for my new website. And I didn't really need red flats. Shouldn't have gone to Disneyland today (even though we got in for free). See how I make myself feel better? Ugh.

I have to get creative. I have to be confident in the (occasional) fun (on sale/clearance) purchases I do make while sticking to a strict budget. We have to cut our grocery bill even more, and look into buying bottled water rather than continuing with the water delievery service. We've already cut cable and his health insurance payments went down.

I don't meant to whine, but this is definitely a sign of the times. I want to look back on this time in our lives and be proud of the decisions and choices we made rather than thinking What the eff did we DO?

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I try to make a point of not talking about my job on the internets because I don't know who will see this, who is reading, etc. But let me make it known that there are times when I wish I didn't work from home, where I wish I was in an office. The distractions, the computer crashes, the fact we only have one computer and BOTH Matt and I work from home...Right now I'm unable to connect to our inventory database which is creating a huge backlog in my work. I feel useless and bored, waiting for my coworkers to get in touch with me. They are so busy and overwhelmd at the office, while I just sit here, trying to be proactive in creating layouts when I have minimal information to go on.

I need to be grateful to have a job in this day and age, grateful that my commute consists of going from my bedroom to the kitchen to the office, grateful that I have such a flexible schedule. But right now I'm frustrated, aggravated, and frankly, bored to tears. Depression starts to settle in, which makes me angry and more depressed. Depression leads to other thoughts that I'd rather not think about -- stupid comments I've made, Mom, Grandpa, and other stressful situations.

I just hate feeling useless. I have to move on from this. Create my own work somehow while my co-workers go about their day. But how? When I can't connect to the database??

Argh. I will move on. It's just going to take me a few days.

And we need to get another computer. This is getting ridiculous.

Things to do:

My mind is just reeling with all that we have to get done in the next 3 weeks. And yes, while I work from home, I've actually had stuff to do and things to learn -- I'm not a graphic designer by nature so I'm learning as I go and it's fun but kind of frustrating -- this means I'm not sitting around all day twidling my thumbs and wishing for something to do. So the last few days, towards the end of the day, I've spent an hour to two hours on the phone with vendors. Changing the address, getting our new land line phone number, canceling Time Warner Cable (HECK YEAH!! They don't service our new city!! We have to stay in Glendale forever for this reason.), setting up new accounts, changing the addres with the post office, etc etc etc. Did I mention that we have to pay our new rent at the start of the month in addition to possibly owing about 1/2 month's rent to our current place? Don't get me started, it's 2am and I'm cranky.

In any case, I am very excited about our new place. For those of you on Facebook, I posted pictures of it unfurnished so you can see what it looks like. I'm thinking of getting some area rugs eventually, to add some warmth and color, but first we'll have to play around with the arrangement of furniture and save some money. After all, our checking account is taking a bit of an unexpected hit this month. But that's ok, because in the long run, this will all be worth it.

Thank goodness for fitness bootcamp. If I wasn't exercising regulary (in addition to going to my counseling sessions once a week), I think my head might explode!

Curs-sed Thoughts Keeping Me Awake...

I'm having trouble sleeping.

For no particular reason other than I can't stop thinking.

About all sorts of things. Random memories. And "memories" that haven't occured. Like meeting my friends' kids for the first time, and what our eventual kids will look like. Wondering what will happen to my Dad after he has surgery next week (knee surgery, and yes I'm heading up again). Random high school pep assembly memories popped in tonight, screaming with my friends "NINETY SIX" at the top of my lungs as though it were the most important thing ever. I think about Mom and if she'd be proud of me (maybe a little frustrated). I think about my sister and hope she'll sort her life out someday. I think about my friends and how eternally grateful I am for such wonderful people. And I think about my marriage, this incredible man in my life who puts up with my mood swings, my random phrases, and how much closer we've grown together in this last year, even in the last few months.

I'm not sure how to turn my brain off. I'm exercising like I should, try to not eat sugar after 9pm, and don't watch tv. I read. Maybe I shouldn't do that either because I start thinking about the characters and the time I went to my favorite author's book signing (it was so much fun. She used to write for the Cosby Show and do stand up comedy in NYC years ago. I laughed so hard). Should I go talk to my doctor about a sleeping pill? Tylenol PM seems to do the job if I take it early enough. I just don't want it to become a habit. I've got an addictive personality.

Any suggestions?

I'm starting to get tired again now. I'll stay up a little later and see if I can just exhaust myself. And no work out for me. I can't run 2-3 miles in the morning on 4-5 hours of sleep. So perhaps it will be yoga instead. Or maybe I should start doing a little yoga at night to calm myself down.

See? This is what happens. One thought leads to another and before I know it I've been laying in bed for an hour and a half without a wink of sleep.

Sigh.

Well if you have any suggestions please let me know. I'll try anything once. Well, almost anything.

Traveled Out

So here's where I've gone sine May of this year:

May - Santa Barbara wine country with hubby, Katy, Jeremy, Don, and Cindy;

July - Solo trip to Spokane;

August - Hubby and I went to Seattle, drove all over, and then came home just in time for me to turn 30. THEN we left a few days later for GenCon in Indiana.

September - Just got back yesterday from visiting relatives in Spokane.

Future trips:

Ocotober - It marks Matt's birthday and our 7th anniversary! We plan on going to Cambria for a few days, but we'll see how that goes with his new job!!

November - We plan on staying home for the holidays, but found an amzaing travel deal through Alaska Airlines, so we might go up to Seattle the week before Thanksiving to celebrate with the 'rents.

December - No question we'll be gone for at least a few days, but I can almost garauntee that next Christmas we'll be in Los Angeles.

May of 2010 - Julia graduates from college and I'm hoping that we'll make it to Hawaii to celebrate this major event with her.

I'm tired. Matt's tired. But we can't really complain because Lena travels by herself with 2 young children overseas. She is the champion!

B. w/ D.

Battle with depression.

I hate it. Usually I'm fine with everyday things...so and so cut me off, why doesn't my phone get reception here, I am so sick of the heat...etc. But yesterday we got some bad news about one of Matt's projects. The network turned it down. It was going so well, it had gotten further than any other project in terms of almost getting a deal that would pay big bucks. But no, the one VP couldn't wrap the idea around his head and BAM! Dream shot down.

I tend to bounce back fairly quickly after getting news that hinders Matt's work, and gets him feeling like "What's the point." I can be positive and upbeat, and say "It's ok, baby, this isn't your fault, the big one is just around the corner." But this one hurt. It stings. I was the one who burst into tears when Matt gave me the news. I makes me think "What's the point?" I know we've been here for a few years and we've come so far already. However, it's times like these where we just want to toss in the towel and say "F--- it!" and move back to Washington with our tails between our legs.

We've come so far already, though, and to give up now would hurt even more. So we'll keep slugging along. But know that for the next few days, it's going to be hard to feel cheery when all I want to do is just burst into tears and have my own pity party on the outside.

Hazy eyes

I can't sleep here. I don't know what my problem is. Well, last night I know. We went to a birthday party over in Silverlake, which was really fun, and then went out to the 101 cafe afterwards for late night dining. I made a bad choice and got a chai tea latte. Guess who was up until 4 in the morning and slept only 4 hours, POORLY? Perhaps this is preparing me for motherhood, who knows. All I know is that I'm getting crankier by the minute and want to go back to sleep. But each time I try to lay my head against that pillow and close my eyes, they just pop right open again.

So with this situation, I've spent the morning putting new recipes in Master Cook thanks to Cindy's trick (Thank you, Cindy!) and trying to muster up some calm, peaceful energy so I can go to the Hollywood Farmer's Market. It's a nice cool morning, and I don't want to waste it being grouchy.

And pictures to come from my trip to Washington. I had a great time, and am homesick. It was nice to be taken care of in that motherly way.

Heat Wave

We found out our a/c and heating is powered by solar panels on the roof! So we leave our a/c on all the time now because it's 100 degrees outside. Literally. Our poor friend Amanda is suffering in Woodland Hills with 110+ temperatures. Ew.

We are surviving this heat wave though. Lots of water, lots of cold salad, and no cooking. I hate to say it but ordering in has been a way of life these last few days. It's just too hot too cook.