Comfort

When Matt & I moved to Puyallup (pronounced pew-al-up), I started a new job as assistant director of a daycare (kids from wee newborns to challenging 12 year olds). Depression set in as I hated my job but did my best because those kids deserved better. I gained weight almost immediately and was grieving my grandma's sudden passing. Days were filled with naps and eating, and more sleep. And eating. I found so much comfort in food. Finally I saw a counselor that knew what she was talking about (and I was also ready to listen), and diagnosed me with severe depression. I burst into tears and called a good friend afterwards who told me that depression isn't always a life-long struggle. Sometimes it's just temporary. So I started taking anti-depressants and for the first time in a long time, I felt normal. I didn't feel out of control. I could handle my emotions! I wasn't abnormal! Through counseling and this medication, I worked through my issues and was done with being medicated after one year. Of course, after Mom died, I went back on meds and to counseling for awhile (I'm off the meds, but still in counseling).

These days, when depression hits, I force myself to go out and distract myself from the thoughts and moods in my head. I still find a lot of comfort in food. In Washington, I'd cook a lot of comfort food to make myself feel better (and also warm myself off beacuse it was frickin cold!) Macaroni and cheese, tuna casserole, cheesecake, chicken strips, chicken noodle soup, all with salads that were heavy on cream-based dressing. It's no wonder I gained 20 pounds. Today I still struggle with my relationship with my old comforting friends. I don't buy snacks, ice cream, soda becuase I'll eat it. It's hard, but what's worth more? Drinking water and eating apple slices or feeling guilty because I ate a box of cheez-its in 2 days and now I have to work it off? It's a struggle every day for me to make the right choices when it comes to food, and lately, I need to find comfort in my real friends rather than that 1/2 pint of Ben and Jerry's that is still in my freezer.