Aloha from Oahu!

It's been an amzing trip so far and we still have 3 days left. We've been to Waimea Beach, Lanikai beach, dinner at Lucy's in Kailua, and twice we've been to a fantastic little place in Kailua called Boots & Kimo's where they have the most delectable macadamia nut pancakes (Emilie, when you and Matt arrive, you have to make a stop here. It's a must!). I've certainly got a tan, which will require very little work this summer. I've loved nearly every minute with my family and aside from the bickering that ensued yesterday, I realize how lucky we are to be here and together, in this place, this tropical wonder in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I've had some time to reflect on myself and who I've become, and while I've made strides in some areas, there are still some things that I have to do. Who knows what will happen today, tomorrow, or next year? I'm going to continue to work on living in the present and what better place to do that than in Hawaii?

And being 50 yards from Waimanalo Beach doesn't hurt either. :)

Aloha!

Today we leave. I was packing well into the night while Matt continuously worked on his script, which I have to say worked out perfectly. His calm, focused manner allowed me to get the laundry done, sort out the clothes that I need to take as opposed to wanting to take. This morning I have just one more major task, and that is to take our car into the mechanic so they can fix our leaky radiator while we're gone.

Weather on Oahu today: 90 degrees. It'll feel just like home!

Tankini? Check.
Sunscreen? Check.

Yep, that's about all I have in my suitcase.

Preparations for Aloha

On Monday we leave for the infamous 9 day trip to Oahu for Julia's graduation. It's really only infamous in my head because of all the planning I've done, and the craziness that's ensued with who's coming and who's not. I am thrilled to be going and yet don't feel that I deserve to go. I don't feel that I've worked hard enough to deserve such a special and fun trip, but then my friends have said I'm crazy, that I work hard, and that I should go and have fun. So I keep that in my head and I'm getting to the point where I'm not going to get down on myself anymore. We will be 50 yards from the beach for goodness sake, so I will just go and work on my tan, hike some beautiful trails, eat some good food, and have fun with my family.

We are also preparing ourselves for some good friends to move away. Our very close friends, Gayvin and Eric, are moving to Northern California (like way north of San Francisco) and while we'll see them a few more times before they leave, and during the year while they're gone, it still stings. I'm not going to dwell on it, though, because they are still here, and so are we (they move a week after we return on the 21st).

Aloha means hello and goodbye. So it's hello Oahu and goodbye friends. But neither one is forever, and I'm ok with that.

Processing

It's been an interesting few weeks. Lots to think about and changes are on their way (no, I'm not pregnant). It's all too overwhelming and exciting (and sad, too) to think about so to put in on the internets would take more time and energy than I'm willing to give right now. I will, eventually, but right now I need to get ready for work (which I'm enjoying) and just enjoy the process of...well, processing everything that's been happening.

Catching Up

Courtesy of Brie. The happy newlyweds, Emily and Michael!

I went to Seattle healthy but tired, and came back to L.A. tired and with a nasty cold. I spent my first day at work in a fog of day-quil, followed by a few sleepless nights thanks to coughing and hacking. My poor husband. His first few nights back at home and his wife can't seem to stay quiet. :(
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It's been a busy but good week aside from being sick. I've caught up on some posts for my blog and am thoroughly excited about my new part-time job. Working on Sunset & Fairfax is just a hoot. It's such a different community than from where I live, so it's great to go outside and people watch for a few minutes. It's wonderful to be working with and for a friend who is excellent at explaining what I need to do, especially since I've never done bookkeeping before. I feel bad interrupting her all the time!
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The wedding was amazing. Em looked beautiful and Michael looked very handsome. I got to see friends that I almost never get to see during my frequent trips up North. For the first time, I felt a huge pull to move to Tacoma since we moved to L.A. back in 2005. (4 years this year, sheesh!) I know that we might be back eventually, but I'm still determined to make this city work for us and not the other way around!
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All in all, it's been a good, busy, productive week. I send my heart and love out to those who had rough days today - you know who you are - and wish for good news for loved ones.

Lovely Meows

With the last weeks being so stressful and today being quite hectic - packing and cleaning up this place is hard to do by myself - my little kitties have been such a comfort to me, especially when I'm lonely/sad/scared. Here's a shoutout to my precious kitties!

Precious PJ. He's just a love.

Princess Quinn, and don't you forget it! I took her to get groomed today and the groomer gave me $5 off because she was so sweet and well behaved!

The tomboy - Bean. She's Matt's cat through and through, and misses him terribly.

Limits

We all have our limits and I have definitely reached mine. I am a moody you-know-what these days and since Matt's not here I've unfortunately been taking it out on my friends. Bursting into tears at random moments, having a hard time sleeping, finding comfort in food and friends...thank goodness I've known them long enough that they're not telling me to bugger off.

I am tired of talking about how I'm doing, how Matt's doing, how my life has been these last weeks, especially the last few days. I don't want to think about friends possibly moving, family members dying, phone bills...my inbox is full.

Check out his blog, and that'll give you a good idea of how we're both doing. Em's wedding on Saturday will be a welcome relief from the stresses of everyday life.

Comfort

When Matt & I moved to Puyallup (pronounced pew-al-up), I started a new job as assistant director of a daycare (kids from wee newborns to challenging 12 year olds). Depression set in as I hated my job but did my best because those kids deserved better. I gained weight almost immediately and was grieving my grandma's sudden passing. Days were filled with naps and eating, and more sleep. And eating. I found so much comfort in food. Finally I saw a counselor that knew what she was talking about (and I was also ready to listen), and diagnosed me with severe depression. I burst into tears and called a good friend afterwards who told me that depression isn't always a life-long struggle. Sometimes it's just temporary. So I started taking anti-depressants and for the first time in a long time, I felt normal. I didn't feel out of control. I could handle my emotions! I wasn't abnormal! Through counseling and this medication, I worked through my issues and was done with being medicated after one year. Of course, after Mom died, I went back on meds and to counseling for awhile (I'm off the meds, but still in counseling).

These days, when depression hits, I force myself to go out and distract myself from the thoughts and moods in my head. I still find a lot of comfort in food. In Washington, I'd cook a lot of comfort food to make myself feel better (and also warm myself off beacuse it was frickin cold!) Macaroni and cheese, tuna casserole, cheesecake, chicken strips, chicken noodle soup, all with salads that were heavy on cream-based dressing. It's no wonder I gained 20 pounds. Today I still struggle with my relationship with my old comforting friends. I don't buy snacks, ice cream, soda becuase I'll eat it. It's hard, but what's worth more? Drinking water and eating apple slices or feeling guilty because I ate a box of cheez-its in 2 days and now I have to work it off? It's a struggle every day for me to make the right choices when it comes to food, and lately, I need to find comfort in my real friends rather than that 1/2 pint of Ben and Jerry's that is still in my freezer.

Like a fish in water

Gayvin and I have been going swimming 3 times a week for almost the past month and I can't believe how much I'm enjoying it. It's far less impactful on my joints and I feel as though I'm burning more calories. I think I'm even starting to show some weight loss around my mid-section which is always a good thing! I may not be a size 6 ever again, but I'm doing my best to look and feel good about the body I have been given. The best part is going with a friend and talking part of the time. Then we start doing laps and it's great to have someone else there to keep tabs and motivate you. I am motivated by her being in constant motion, always trying to keep up with her.

Every Thursday we have a little routine. We go swimming and then head over to downtown Glendale for the farmers' market to split lunch at a delightful little cafe called The Lunchbox. We split the amazing gyro sandwich - the best one since I've left Seattle - and munch to on delicious chips and a drink. All for under $10 total! With the exception of today, we then usually hit the farmers' market and wind up feeling really good about how we've spent our day and how we are being good to ourselves and our health. Going swimming always puts me at ease. I release so much pent up stress, anxiety, even anger and sadness. I wish we could go every day, but I guess 3 times a week will have to do!

Bonus to living in Southern California - I get to go swimming in an outdoor pool year-round!

What a day...

Nothing that $3.00 margaritas can't fix! :) Woohoo!

Well, it's a temporary fix. Matt is having a tough time in Washington and he got some bad news today. Until he shares it on his blog, or with others, it's really not my place to say on the Internet but it's safe to say that eventually, we'll be back for a funeral. I miss him terribly and wish he was coming home soon. But I'll stay tough and get through the next week because that's what I do. It's amazing when you realize your own strength. Friends help. :)

It seems that everyone is having a tough time these days. Emotions are running high, stress is rampant, and so many of my dear friends are out of work and finances are just...UGH...(need I say more?) So it's with that in mind that I'm attending church with my friend Cindy on Easter Sunday. I'm not religious, but I do consider myself spiritual, and maybe going to a place of worship with a good friend is what my spirit needs to get re-focused and re-centered.

Random Pics

Jeremy is stah-ving! And so is Cordy, apparently!

Don's just smokin', that's all I can say.

Yeah...I snapped this picture just wanting to get a shot of the barbershop quartet, and this photo turned into something else entirely...

Matt D, Paige, and Jessica in line for a ride at DISNEYLAND!!!

Really proud of this picture. The Kyoto Grand Hotel is reflected in the water of their Garden on the 3rd floor in Downtown L.A.

By Myself

Matt is in Seattle/Tacoma for the next few weeks helping out his family.

It's a strange feeling being the one holding down the fort. For the past few years, it's been me that leaves to help out and leave him here, at home. It's a strange role reversal and suddenly it occur ed to me is how he must have felt when I was gone in Seattle for 2 months, helping Dad and Katie adjust after Mom died. How frustrated and lonely this position is, how I just want to keep myself busy and entertained, exhaust myself so it's easier to sleep at night.

He and I talked the other night and he mentioned what a strange marriage we've had. So much time apart and yet we always make it work. Our relationship certainly isn't conventional, that's for sure, but then what relationship is? Each one has a unique connection and quirks that make it tick, that make us want more from ourselves and the other person involved. These last few weeks I've certainly come to appreciate and count on friends that I'd lost that connection with. Or maybe lost is the wrong term...that connection had just been resting.

I know that famous quote "distance makes the heart grow fonder". But it's dangerous to like having the bed all to myself so I can sleep in the middle of it. It's not OK to get used to doing things my way all the time. It is difficult when the other person comes back and suddenly the old routine is back. It was really hard when I came back from those 2 months away, and emotionally I was completely spent. I imagine it will be the same for him, and the adjustment will be different because the circumstances are different. Marriage is about being together, no matter what. I never thought mine would have so much travel back and forth involved, especially by ourselves. But again, we always seem to make it work. And when the 16th rolls around and I get to see him again, this will all be worth it.

(I love you, babe. I'll be in Seattle soon. Hang in there, you're stronger than you think. :) Don't worry, I'm staying busy and I'm OK.)

There Is Hope!

It's amazing how when you really put yourself out there, really try to do the right thing, and do your best to remain positive (I've failed at that later part this week), the universe sees fit to reward you. My friend Katy has been needing some help at work for some time now, and I've been needing a part time job for a few weeks now. Will this work out? I certainly hope so and I have a meeting with the company on the 13th to see if we'd be a good fit for eachother. Matt is looking at tutoring jobs that can pay up to $35 an hour. (And if I'm not a good fit, Matt expressed interest in the job with Katy as well.) I'm not counting on anything yet, but really I am feeling much more hopeful that things just might work out (for now).

(And a big thank you to Katy for telling me about this position!)

(Thank you also to friends and family who've counseled and listened this past week. I'm extremely grateful.)

Survival Mode

I have many reasons to be in this mode, most of which for what my husband is going through right now with his family. My mother gave me some wise advice when I got married - "Protect your in-laws." And that's what I'll do, but it's safe to say that I'm worried for Matt and his family. I'm not sure what will happen, I have never been in this situation before. Matt is in Seattle now, and I can only support him in what he chooses to do from here on out. If you pray, please pray for his family. If you send loving/supportive thoughts/energy, please do so. I'm worried.

As for me, I'm in survival mode for other things too. Personal things that are slowly being uncovered and I don't want to get into on the internets. I am still mad, still angry, still pissy and moody. Not a pleasant person to be around these days. I'm easily distracted and just want to escape. I think Cindy said it best in a blog post a few months ago - "I just don't feel like being responsible today." Except instead of one day, it's been many days and I need to keep going, to keep living.

I wish I could say more, but really I just wanted to get this out in the open, where I'm at and where I stand. I thoguht I'd get out of this mode in a few days but I think it will be a few weeks, maybe a month or more. I just have to ride this wave and see where it goes.

P.S. We did have some fun last night, thank goodness!

New SLO location!

To have my new blog as part of my upcoming website, I had to move it to wordpress. Sorry for the confusion but best I take care of this now rather than later on!

http://liveslo.wordpress.com.

Hope you'll visit soon!

I finally understand our economy's troubles!

The Crisis of Credit Visualized from Jonathan Jarvis on Vimeo.

Thanks to Katy for posting this video in the first place! :)

Mood

I'm just in a funk today. Nothing bad has happened. Went swimming at the fabulous outdoor pool with Gayvin, went to the farmer's market, picked up yummy veggies and had a delicious lunch. Pagie B came over for a bit and now I'm wandering the internets in search of something to help me feel better (this is why I don't keep snack food in the house -- emotional eating is not good for me). I don't really want to be around anyone now, don't want to talk about "it", just in a funk. I don't want anyone to make me feel better, I just want to let it pass without feeling the pressure to have to be perky and happy.

I hate this mood. Maybe I should go take a nap and see if that helps get rid of it.

Momentary Financial Panic

About once a month, I go through a momentary panic where I truly believe we're going to run out of money tomorrow, that no raises are coming, investors and managers won't sign Matt, movies won't get made and we'll be left in the dust, broke and heartbroken.

Yes, I'm being dramatic, but at midnight that's about the best I can do.

I worry that we'll have to move back to Seattle. I worry that we'll have to move in with my Dad or his folks and be reliant on others rather than ourselves. I worry that we'll never not be broke, that we'll never stop living paycheck to paycheck. I worry that I'll never stop worrying and yet I'm always hoping that maybe next month, maybe next year, things will be better.

I've been talking about how confident I am about our financial situation but the truth is I'm terrified. Really and truly. I don't know what's going to happen in the next few years. We want a house of our own, and a child. But there's this giant black cloud of graudate student loans in deferement that seems like it will never be paid off. Our monthly bills aren't completely covered, even though we have cut costs significantly. More than significantly. I guess I shouldn't have bought that domain for my new website. And I didn't really need red flats. Shouldn't have gone to Disneyland today (even though we got in for free). See how I make myself feel better? Ugh.

I have to get creative. I have to be confident in the (occasional) fun (on sale/clearance) purchases I do make while sticking to a strict budget. We have to cut our grocery bill even more, and look into buying bottled water rather than continuing with the water delievery service. We've already cut cable and his health insurance payments went down.

I don't meant to whine, but this is definitely a sign of the times. I want to look back on this time in our lives and be proud of the decisions and choices we made rather than thinking What the eff did we DO?

Updated New Blog

Hi Folks!

I've been posting on my new blog http://liveslo.blogspot.com. It's full of tips for travling to this wonderful place and also includes some handy travel tips in general, especially useful during this tough economic time. Please follow it and/or check it out when you can. I'd love to hear your thoughts and suggestions! Postings will be up every M/W/F.

Thanks in advance!

P.S. We went to Disneyland today. Pictures to come!

Going UP?

There is nothing like hiking up and up to tell you how out of shape you are (still). But I did better than I thought I would, and overall yesterday morning was a perfect day for a hike at the Los Angeles National forest. We didn't find our original destination - the waterfall. Instead we stayed on the fire road (did I mention the trail went UP). My calves are still feeling it this morning!

A family pic.

Beautiful views all the way UP.

Paige and Katy rock!

The Early girls.

At the top!

Productivity

I am very proud of myself these last few days. I've been working out, resting when needed, having fun when the time arises, and spending my "off" working on my website with Paige T and researching for my SLO blog.

I definitely don't feel useless anymore. :)

We also bought our tickets for Seattle next month. We are going to Emily's wedding, and I can't wait. It's sure to be a fun and classy affair, as that's Em's personality.

Pondering Thoughts

I am really loving my life these days.

The man and I are doing so well, I'm nourishing relationships and releasing tension from others. I'm just feeling GOOD. And I like it! I can't explain why. Maybe it has to do with finding my career path and spending time being creative. I've taken to posting a few articles a month for a friend's blog which has included spending more time writing and editing my work. That has been so helpful because soon, I'll have my own website with my own content and be working on my creative process every single day. How exciting! I've also created a profile on YELP to encourage me to write reviews on restaurants that Matt and I go to.

There are some friends that I'm sorely out of touch with. You know who you are, and I'm really sorry. I promise to call this week and check in.

Now if I could just get back on track with eating better, I think I could upgrade from "good" to "excellent"...the no-drinking-soda is helping...

Awwwww, Freak Out! (Just a little)

I'm having moments of momentary panic and anxiety.

The development of my future website and the strong resurgence of commitment to my travel blog, finally figuring out my path and direction in life, it's all overwhelming. Exciting, definitely, but overwhelming in such a way that all I want to do is walk (or sometimes run) from the office as fast and as far away as possible. I have searched long and hard for some sort of direction in my life in terms of my career, and it's always been here, just waiting to be pursued. It's funny how we don't notice those things right that are right in front of us, yelling and waving to be noticed and cultivated.

In any case, I'm trying very hard to not pepper Paige A. with loads of questions about what to do because she already told me on Sunday what needs to happen next. I just have to settle my anxiety by getting things done. I must force myself to stay in this char and make progress!

Please check out my new blog and let me know what you think. It's really not all that new, but I'm really determined to post 3x a week so that maybe, just maybe, I could get sponsorship. This is what I love to do, and I'm hoping you'll be as excited as I am.

http://liveslo.blogspot.com

A Few Good Days

Yesterday was so much fun. My good friend Cindy and I spent the enitre day together. I could not document it better than she did, but I can at least sum up what happened.

She mentioned in a recent blog post that she was not having a good day, and I jumped at the chance to take her out and have a girls day. By the time Saturday rolled around I wasn't in the best of spirits but by the time I got to her place and we were out for our 3 mile walk, I was feelign better. Listening to her talk, I realized how much I've missed spending time with Cindy 1-on-1. As she said, we often hang out in a group setting, and while that is fun, we often miss out on opportunities to connect on a deeper level. Cindy is so wise and thoughtful. She really thinks before she speaks which is a trait that I really admire. It felt good to re-connect with her and our friendship is definitely stronger for it.

After our walk, we were all sweaty and gross, so we quickly refreshed and headed off to the lovely air-conditioned mall. After a yummy lunch, we headed to Macy's for which we both had gift cards. I asked her where she wanted to start -- it was a total zoo -- and she grimaced as she said "Shoes." Shopping for shoes isn't her favorite thing, and on a Saturday, it's not mine either. We walked with some trepidation but determined to find her some cute, fun work shoes. And find we did! She walked away with a very cute and sassy pair, that could be easily dressed up or dressed down, good for work and play -- multipurpose pumps! I found a cute pair of red ballet flats on clearance and with our gift cards we spent a minimal amount of cash. We were very proud of us.

After shopping, I treated Don and Cindy to iced coffees with the rest of my gift card and then headed back to their house. Matt had spent an hour in ugly traffic getting home from a film seminar so after a wonderful conversation with the two of them, Don and Cindy graciously gave me a ride home. It was a wonderful opportunity to show them our new place, and they loved it! It really meant a lot to me that our friends loved our new home. We started watching the pilot of "Big Love" (which I highly reccomend, Matt and I are enjoying it so far), but were pleasantly interupted by Ben and Corrie dropping by for dinner! They were in town for a film festival. We walked over the 1 block to Zankou Chicken, a fabulous and cheap Lebanese/Aremenian fast food chain with great portions and equally great prices. We had a nice relaxing meal, catching up and talking about previous escapades in Washington. We headed back to our place, shortly after which Don had to bow out and go home. Poor guy. He wasn't feeling well and was such a trooper during the evening.

All in all, I wasn't intending to spend the entire day with friends but I'm so glad I did. I think all of us were boosted by the positive engery that we got from being together. As my Mom said the day after our wedding: "That was fun. Can we do that again?"

Today I spent the afternoon with Paige A. She is a new friend from Dallas that I met through Paige B. She is an incredibly talented graphic designer/illustrator/all-around-awesome-artist that is helping Matt and I build a website. Matt needs one for his writing career, and I've finally figured out what it is that I want to be doing so I won't feel so useless. I want to creat a tourism website for San Luis Obispo county. After talking with Paige B. who offered great advice after calming me down during my melt-down, I really thought about how I want to be spending my time. What would make me happy? What do I look forward to doing? So in my meeting today, I really got excited about what I will be able to offer the potential visitor to the SLO area. It was great fun. I have so much work to do and yet I am excited about getting this work done. I am terrified and excited at the same time, but I have a fabulous support system and a network of truly talented professionals that are just as excited about helping me create my vision. How could life feel any better at this very moment? I'm not sure how!

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I try to make a point of not talking about my job on the internets because I don't know who will see this, who is reading, etc. But let me make it known that there are times when I wish I didn't work from home, where I wish I was in an office. The distractions, the computer crashes, the fact we only have one computer and BOTH Matt and I work from home...Right now I'm unable to connect to our inventory database which is creating a huge backlog in my work. I feel useless and bored, waiting for my coworkers to get in touch with me. They are so busy and overwhelmd at the office, while I just sit here, trying to be proactive in creating layouts when I have minimal information to go on.

I need to be grateful to have a job in this day and age, grateful that my commute consists of going from my bedroom to the kitchen to the office, grateful that I have such a flexible schedule. But right now I'm frustrated, aggravated, and frankly, bored to tears. Depression starts to settle in, which makes me angry and more depressed. Depression leads to other thoughts that I'd rather not think about -- stupid comments I've made, Mom, Grandpa, and other stressful situations.

I just hate feeling useless. I have to move on from this. Create my own work somehow while my co-workers go about their day. But how? When I can't connect to the database??

Argh. I will move on. It's just going to take me a few days.

And we need to get another computer. This is getting ridiculous.

Going out!

The lovely Jen and Dave at dinner.

Teh-Don and Jen.

My sweetie and me! This is my new favorite picture of us.

Happy Anniversary, Don and Cindy!

The drug-induced haze continues...

Yet last night at dinner, I was on Advil and could still drink 3 mini-glasses of red wine without feeling silly. I think those anti-oxidants from the wine really helped beacuse today I am starting to actually feel human again. I still sound incredibly nasaly, and my ears are still sensitive to noise, but I'm hopeful that in a few days, or at least by the end of the week, that I'll be back to normal again.

Last night we had a wonderful evening with friends. Jen and Dave were in town from Seattle and we got a few hours to catch up on what's new with them. Don and Cindy were there too and it was their 5th wedding anniversary -- congratulations you two! :) I finally got to meet Dave's sister, Jeannie, and their friend Garrett. Jeannie lives in West Hollywood and I know we'll be seeing her again soon as she and I hit it off instantly.

Tonight I may be heading out again for a birthday dinner. It feels so good to get out of the apartment after being bed and couch-ridden for the last few days.

Living through the haze

(For Emilie)

I caught the flu and a nasty head cold the other day so I'm in a drug-induced haze right now. Thank goodness we have heat and internet so I'm not going completely crazy. And I have to say that Matt is the best nurse-husband hands down. What a trooper!

Fashion Week in Las Vegas was amazing - you can read more here. (I have to say though, never EVER stay at the Trump Towers. What a miserable experience, but girlfriends make it better.)

The cats have definitely calmed down since the move. Now that we have heat they aren't running around like crazed felines trying to keep warm. I'm actually overheating because I'm so used to wearing so many layers during the day. We also have internet now, so we aren't completely cut off from the world anymore.

Now, back to bed. Thank goodness for the drugs that take away sinus pressure and fevers.

New home!

This weekend the rain stayed away (thank goodness) and the 2 of us plus 7 of our friends (thank you!) moved our belongings to Glendale on Saturday. We are making huge progress on getting settled in. The place is definitely starting to take shape. It's exciting! I'm at Don and Cindy's now, using their internet connection because ours still isn't set up yet. No cable and no internet -- it's like we're stuck in the 80's! Anyway, I have to get going as Cindy needs the laptop back. Pictures and more updates to come later.

Gearing Up

We move a week from today. And I must say it's hard to think of leaving this place. Not just our apartment but this building. This neighborhood. When we first moved here I was so terrified and stressed out. Fast forward three and a half years later, and we've made a life here. Friends that are our family, weather that I can't live without, and jobs that we both enjoy (for the most part). So while I'm excited to move on and start anew, leaving this place will be a little more painful that the other moves. Our live in L.A. started here. But we have other places to go. :)

It is amusing to see how the older 2 cats, PJ and Quinn, know what's going on when things start disappearing into boxes. But Bean...she's kind of freaking out, though enjoying the jungle gym that the stack of boxes have created. It's pretty cute.

Self-Portraits

Sleepyhead

I don't know what is going on. Am I hibernating? What's the deal? Last night I slept 9 hours, the night before I slept 11, and the night before that I slept another 9 hours. Sleep has been a struggle for me these last few months so it's kind of a nice shocker that I can sleep now. Matt has been so quiet these last few mornings so I don't even wake up when he gets up (which is unusual, I'm normally a very sensitive sleeper). It's been great for my skin and those puffy circles under my eyes have been disappearing over the last few days.

But I'm finding that life as a lazy, sleepy teenager is not one that I want to live. Case in point --missing out on a get together this morning with friends. I'm ticked at myself because I was looking forwad to seeing them. I will have to make more of an effort this next weekend to see them, and not sleep in so late.

Work It!

I really committed to my workout this week. When I showed up this morning, my trainer commented that he was impressed with my turnout and asked what my motivation was. I said "Hawaii in May, that's my goal!" He nodded and said he'd help get me there. I feel so good after exercising. My stress level is down, I am more aware of what I'm eating, and I feel so much better about myself. My muscles are getting bigger too! I can definitely notice more definition in my clothes, specially my jeans. Matt pointed out that I've started losing weight again, in my face and neck. While I haven't lost weight, I've lost inches and that's huge. I feel so much better about my body when my clothes fit better. I find that I'm also inspired by all of my girlfriends who work out on a regular basis. We check in on each other, and that's so encouraging and helpful!

Working Hard or Hardly Working?

I feel like doing this too. But then I'd probably break the printer. And I wouldn't get a paycheck.

Early Morning Thoughts

(I'm going to miss our building! *sniff*)

I'm going to miss our neighborhood. I'll miss the 4-block walk to the store, the fabulous restaurants within walking distance (at least they offer valet parking so we can come back at any time), and the quirky people that live here.

I'll miss our neighbors -- Matt and Jessica and Steve and Wendy, and Jamie too -- They've all been fantastic. We watch out for each other, and even take turns watching each other's kitties when the others are gone. I can't lie -- having cat sitters just down the hall has been wonderful. But the friendships are what I'll miss the most -- being able to just call them up and see if they want to hang out, go to the store, etc. Even carpooling to various events is extremely easy.

I packed up my bookcase yesterday. It's so empty. A sad sight. This is real. We're leaving this place. I know we're not going far, but this building was our first home in a city where we didn't know anyone. Los Angeles terrified me in ways that I wasn't prepared for. I had panic attacks, sleepless nights, and plain ol' amazement at this city of millions. As far as our apartment goes, this was an upgrade that we needed at the time. We expected a bit more from the entertainment industry (hindsight is 20/20), and thought we could make this place work, financially. It's been a lovely home, and as with the other places we've lived in, it will be hard to see this one empty. (Except for the little Puyallup house. The best move we ever made was leaving that house!) But it's time for a new resident in this place, and hopefully they'll love it as much as we have over these last 18 months.

I'm really going to miss having a dishwasher. I have been thinking about how I have never not had one, so this will be a challenge for me. I'll have to clean up dishes as I go, that will make it much easier.

I'm not going to miss the chaotic sounds of the sirens wailing by all the time. I won't miss the crazy people down below, yelling and screaming at each other at night. I won't miss the sound of the commuting hours, with cranky people honking at eachother to move somewhere else, the sound of brakes coming to a screeching halt to either miss a car (thankfully) or else I get to enjoy the awful sound of mental crunching. Like the time I heard that hit & run? Fantastic. (Luckily no one was hurt.)

How does Matt sleep so easily? This drives me crazy! Of course he's been working really hard. Most of his time at home is spent getting ready for bed, falling asleep, and then getting ready to leave in the morning.

Brie and Steve, thank you so much for the wine from Europe! It's fantastic, and I just wish I could read the back of the label so I could figure out where to get more of this lovely adult grape juice!

Things to do:

My mind is just reeling with all that we have to get done in the next 3 weeks. And yes, while I work from home, I've actually had stuff to do and things to learn -- I'm not a graphic designer by nature so I'm learning as I go and it's fun but kind of frustrating -- this means I'm not sitting around all day twidling my thumbs and wishing for something to do. So the last few days, towards the end of the day, I've spent an hour to two hours on the phone with vendors. Changing the address, getting our new land line phone number, canceling Time Warner Cable (HECK YEAH!! They don't service our new city!! We have to stay in Glendale forever for this reason.), setting up new accounts, changing the addres with the post office, etc etc etc. Did I mention that we have to pay our new rent at the start of the month in addition to possibly owing about 1/2 month's rent to our current place? Don't get me started, it's 2am and I'm cranky.

In any case, I am very excited about our new place. For those of you on Facebook, I posted pictures of it unfurnished so you can see what it looks like. I'm thinking of getting some area rugs eventually, to add some warmth and color, but first we'll have to play around with the arrangement of furniture and save some money. After all, our checking account is taking a bit of an unexpected hit this month. But that's ok, because in the long run, this will all be worth it.

Thank goodness for fitness bootcamp. If I wasn't exercising regulary (in addition to going to my counseling sessions once a week), I think my head might explode!

Movin' on up

We got the apartment in Glendale! :) Current thoughts I'm having...

Thought of moving again - Ick...

Thought of no dishwasher - Eh, s'okay, we can make do...

Thought of more closet space - Yes please!

Thougts of hardwood floors - Love!

Thoughts of bathroom counter? - We can make it work.

Thoughts about saving $500 a month? - YES!!

We'll be moving at the end of the month. Emails will go out with our new address when the time gets closer.

Patience isn't a virtue of mine.

With the recession and Matt getting laid off from his part time job, our finances are incredibly tight. So this week we started looking around for cheaper places to live, something in the neighborhood that is much cheaper and could save us up to 600 bucks a month. So far, I'm checking out two places tomorrow - one in Glendale and one in Valley Village. Saturday we are going to visit one in Silverlake, and that's the one I really want. It's still in our neighborhood, the price is right, the area is adorable, and the apartment even has a deck! Not only that, we'd be saving over $500 a month, which is HUGE. So, again, I'm really excited and hope that it's the place we are meant to be, but I just have to be patient and see what happens.

Of course, all this talk of saving money means that we aren't eating out nearly as much as we used to. I'm enjoying meal planning much more and with my weight loss goal in check, I love looking up new and healthy recipes. Yesterday I went back to fitness bootcamp and while my muscles were screaming at me that it had been a long time since they'd been worked this way, today I'm not sore. At all. Which means I'm getting used to this! I'll certainly go back tomorrow, and plan on going every M/W/F for the next five weeks. I plan on going in February too, and then might cut back on the bootcamp so I can go to yoga more often. Again, I just have to be patient and enjoy where I'm at right now. At least I've gone down one dress size, and I'm feeling really good about that!

Holiday Letter

For those of you who didn't receive it, here's our end-of-year letter...

~ Camille & Matt's 2008 Holiday Update ~

2008 was a year of minor triumphs and enduring frustrations. It was a year of pulling weeds and planting seeds. A year of too much travel, more separately than together, that left us craving our cat-infested apartment. A year we escaped as much as enjoyed. We celebrated cousin Leah’s wedding in Fairfield in the summer. In the autumn, we celebrated our seventh anniversary in Cambria on the central California coast. And more than once we snuck away to the Edna Valley to replenish our wine rack and leave the flashy noise machine that is Los Angeles in the rearview.

In June, Camille left Ajilon to work full-time for Northwest Art Glass. She oversees the creation of the product catalogs from the home office. In August, she entered her 4th decade by celebrating her 30th birthday at a Venice Beach barbeque. Her paternal grandfather sadly passed away in November. In December, following her father’s knee surgery, Camille flew to Seattle to play nurse and cook him two weeks worth of leftovers. As usual, she’s made many new friends this year and continues to ponder when she’ll return to the world of Community Theater.

Despite the WGA strike that began the year, Matt maintained steady if not glamorous work in Hollywood. In April, he traveled to Las Vegas to attend the GAMA Trade Show where he and a couple other Dead Gentlemen promoted the Demon Hunters Role-Playing Game, released by Margaret Weis Productions. In August, Matt’s feature debut as a writer/director, The Gamers: Dorkness Rising, was released on DVD by Anthem Pictures. Dorkness quickly became Anthem’s fastest and best-selling DVD. The film screened at several conventions, including the world-renowned Comic Con in San Diego.

With a team that included an Emmy-award winning producer and an agent from Paradigm, Matt pitched his sci-fi TV show Hopjockey at four networks: ABC Family, the Sci-Fi Channel, the CW, and the Cartoon Network (oddly enough). Matt’s zombie horror TV show ALIVE, which he co-created with Star Trek veterans Judith & Garfield Reeves-Stevens, came within a meeting of being picked up by AMC. The producers on both teams are confident their shows will find a home, in some form.In September, Matt joined the staff at Epic Level Entertainment in Studio City, where he works part-time. The end of the year finds him writing another animated sitcom pilot for Israeli producers.

In December, under increasing pressure from Camille, Matt wrote this letter. He hopes nothing significant happens next year so he won’t have to write another. Camille just slapped him in the back of the head.

2009 promises more trips to the Pacific Northwest, a venture to Hawaii in May to celebrate Julia’s graduation, and a possible trek to visit family in Santa Rosa and San Francisco in the summer or fall (or whenever Matt wants a free meal).

We wish you many happy celebrations this holiday season, and good tidings in the New Year!

Much love,
Camille & Matt

Southwest Bound

Today we head back to L.A. While I'm looking forward to sleeping in my own bed and cooking in a kitchen that I'm familiar with, it's always hard to leave this place. Sometimes Matt and I think of moving back, especially when we see the cheaper rent prices in Tacoma. But that's not enough (yet) to pull us back. We are in L.A. for a reason, and we're going to do our very best to see that our time in L.A. is well spent. I intend to shop more at the farmer's markets and watch the sales at our local grocery stores. Katy is starting off the year with a great idea - Make It Yourself Parties - which should help ease the strain on the budget.

Matt and I have lots of plans for this year. As my MIL says, "Life is what happens when you're making plans." Hopefully some of our plans will happen, and some of them probably won't. I hope I can keep an open mind and be more patient.

Happy New Year!

I always make resolutions, and ultimately I reach them in some way. I only have a few this year, and of course, one is to loose weight. But I need to stop measuring myself on the scale because the more I work out, the stronger my muscles get and I start loosing inches, which is good! I'm down to a size 10 now, which is FABuLOUS! I love it. This just encourages me to go to fitness bootcamp more regularly.

I have a big motivator for this year - a trip to Hawaii in May. So not only do I want to lose a few inches, I also want to get healthy, and that means eating better. I start January 5th, focusing on low-fat but tasty foods. Cooking light and the cooking blog will be very helpful, as will the Master Cook program which tells me how much fat and how many calories are in the dishes we eat.

I am on my way to becoming a better person, sharing time and energy with friends and family. I enjoy cooking more and more and have found that it's ok to say "no" when I don't want to do something. At the same time, I'm becoming more open to new experiences while attempting to be more thrifty.

More on this later, I must join my MIL for another game of Scrabble! May you have a joyous, happy and prosperous 2009!

Northwest Bound

This afternoon we are finally on our way to the lovely Pacific Northwest. Because of the snow, our trip has been cut in half: from 10 days to 5, but we will make it work. With a wedding, a party, and a few friendly get togethers along with family gatherings, it it sure to be a busy but memorable trip.

And please, mother nature, please keep the snow at bay while we're up there!

We had a very pleasant first Christmas in L.A. this year. Matt wrote everything I wanted to say, so you can read all about it here.

And with that, I must go. The cab will be here any minute! Happy New Year to all!

P.S. I have to add that Christmas with palm trees just isn't the same.

Christmas Traditions in L.A.

This is going to be our first Christmas away from our families, and yet, we will be with family this Christmas.

We have many friends who are here for this special time of year and feel very grateful that we have places to go and things to do. And we are grateful that we are home and comfortable. My heart goes out to those who are still fighting to go home via plane, train, and bus.

Last night I made some of my Christmas presents and then we decorated the tree. Matt even said that next year we could get a real one or a bigger fake one! :) We watched Chronicles of Narnia with cups of tea, and then Nathan came over. We ordered pizza, drank beer, and watched old episodes of The Simpsons. Poor guy has to work today and tomorrow!

Today I'll finish the Christmas presents, get some wrapping done and go shopping for Matt's stocking (something else I didn't plan for). Tonight we'll have a get-together with friends (Jeremy, Katy, Paige A, and hopefully Matt and Jessica). Tomorrow we'll catch a movie or two (hopefully Nathan will join us) in the morning, and then head to Pasadena for dinner with Gayvin, Eric, and their 4 year old son, Jack.

While we have plans, and are grateful for all that we have here in L.A., I am still missing my family and our traditions. I know there is no time like the present to start our own, I guess because this was so unexpected I am not prepared for these emotions. It's a bit of a rollercoaster. Having our place decorated is so important to me, and yes, we have our tree, and our stockings are on the wall, and I really hope we can hang some lights tonight.

It just occured to me why this is so hard. My mom. She made Christmas so special. Presents were artfully presented under the tree, with the main gift or gifts not wrapped in boxes. I remember one year, when I was 10...I had begged and begged for an American Girl Doll, specifically Kirsten. I wanted her because everyone else I knew had Samantha or Kirsten, and I felt she deserved some attention, and I loved her story. Anyway, come Christmas morning - must've been around 5am - I went upstairs and there she was!! Just waiting for me as if she had planned the trip herself. I was so beyond thrilled. There were some other things I got that year, that were out on display, so I carefully removed her from under the tree and then bolted to my parents bedroom to share my excitement. They smiled, gave me a hug, and promptly told me to go back to bed, that it was too early. So I went back to my bedroom, but took my new doll with me. Over the years, I got more outfits and even her trunk and bed. Now she's in storage, awaiting perhaps our future daughter to play with her.

But I digress. Mom was an artist, and her artistic ways really shone through when the holidays came up. Advent calendars on the wall, stockings, decorations, our tree with all of our old ortaments, the one year we got Coconut and she was quite lively so we got a small tree and put it on a table so she couldn't destroy the ortaments. There was just something so cozy and warm about the house, the love and attention she put into the details. And the cooking...oh my gawd, the food was delicious! All kinds of Christmas cookies, the baked ham, mashed potatoes, brownies, Keith's chocolates, egg nog and homemade apple cider...YUM!! My Dad said they don't even have a tree this year, no decorations, and I doubt he'll even hang stockings. I hope weather permits Diane and Gregg to make it to his house for Christmas dinner. Hopefully a neighbor will offer to drive him to church.

Like I said before, it's a mix of emotions this year. I'm happy to be in L.A. and not dealing with the stress of traveling somewhere, but I'm also missing my family and traditions. It's up to me to try and keep those traditions going while creating new ones and making the old ones work for our little family. With this being our first Christmas away from the Pacific Northwest, I think we're doing pretty well so far. :)

So far, not so good.

For those of you who haven't heard, our flight was cancelled last night.

I have been trying to get ahold of Alaska Airlines since 8:15pm. The last attempt I made before going to bed was around 11pm, and this morning, well I tried just now and everything is still busy. I'm not sure if we'll get out today or even tomorrow if I can't get ahold of anyone. I might venture out to Burbank Airport and check out the line at the Alaska desk, see if there's a long line. But at this point, so many people are in the same situation as me, it might be easier to to wait it out. I want to be proactive, so maybe I will just go to the airport and see if someone, preferably a nice ticketing agent who hasn't been up all night, can help me.

I also will be calling Customer Care at Alaska Airlines, and getting the phone number for Kari C.'s well reccomended travel agent. She might be able to help.

We have a few offers from friends down here to spend Christmas with them should our plans completely fall through, which has been wonderfuly comforting. We can always celebrate Christmas with the family next month if this wacky weather and inability to get ahold of the airlines continues.

Thank you for all your suggestions on warm weather ideas and travel suggestions!

Getting prepared

So in order to prepare for the wintery Pacific Northwest, I'm trying to figure out how I'll stay warm. I have a ton of scarves, a few wool coats, and my Eddie Bauer parka is at my Dad's. Can't find any of my hats as of yet, and to see how bad the weather is, I checked the flight status today of the flight we're supposed to take tomorrow.

And it was cancelled! Effing cancelled! Trying to not panic right now. Seriously, there is nothing I can do. I don't control the weather!

Of course this means we might get to sleep in tomorrow. :D

However, this puts a kink into our plans, so in a way I hope we do make it. You can bet that I'll be up this early tomorrow to see if our flight is still on.

Any suggestions of what else I should bring to stay warm? Hot cocoa perhaps (with a shot of brandy)?

My latest obsession

I don't know where this comes from, and I know it's overly played on the radio. That wasn't enough for me. I had to go out and buy the CD. I listen to this song every chance I get, mostly when I'm alone because Matt's sick of it. But we spent a week figuring out the lyrics (I looked them up on line and we were almost dead on), and now it's even more fun to listen to.

I heard this song for the first time about a month ago, and it was as if the musical part of my persona had finally woken up. I used to be obsessed with music and bands, seeing concerts and listening to all different kids of bands. I don't know what happened, maybe it was after Mom died, or I just got really comfortable with my favorite singers. Maybe I got tired of the latest brand of Pop music, I'm not sure. But what I am sure of is that this song means so much to me, ..."for reasons I can't explain" (thank you, Chris Martin).

I have told Matt on many occasions that the next band I'm seeing in concert is Coldplay. They were in Orange County twice last month and I missed them, but hopefully they'll be back. And when they are, I'll be singing along with them...from the nosebleed seats.

And if you are sick of the song, I reccomend that you don't play the video. This song tends to stick in your head for awhile.

Isn't she beautiful?

(Photo courtesy The Seattle Times.)

And I'm home!

It feels so good to be home. Hubby, kitties, christmas tree, and a little junk food. Ah, life is good.

Dad is doing well for the most part. Yesterday we had a bit of anger due to him not being able to walk - and he won't be able to for the next 2 months - but it all worked out and he's feeling ok for now. I was a cooking queen - I made 2 lasagnas, lentil soup, lamb stew, and sausage/spinach soup. Dad is on a pain medication that's taken every 4 hours, and he has to take it with food. He yummed up the meals that I cooked, and so I froze all the leftovers so he can have some healthy meals while I'm gone. The healthy food has helped keep his nausea at bay which is excellent news. It's no fun to be bed or couch ridden, in pain, fading in & out from pain meds, and not being able to keep food down. We're all hoping for a safe and speedy recovery.

It was hard to leave yesterday, and yet it wasn't. I could have stayed another week, but I knew I had to leave. I can't be there all the time, every minute of every day. It's exhausting. And this was my first experience at being the #1 caretaker. When Mom was dying, it was easy to let others take over. But this time it was just me and my sister, and with Katie taking the ACT test and having a college interview last weekend, it was primarily up to me to make sure that everything was taken care of. It was harder than I thought it would be, but I didn't get emotional seeing my Dad like I thought I would. I'm also grateful that he's now my boss. How else could I travel up there in an instance to help out?

Speaking of travel, I'll never forget the time when Cindy commented that we Mesmers travel a lot. Yes, yes we do, and frankly I'm looking forward to a month without a plane trip. But this Christmas holiday should be really fun. We'll see family, of course, but I'm hopeful that we can see some friends that we've not seen in a very very long time. It will all balance out and instead of stressing out, I'm going to do my best and just roll with the days. I will enjoy my time and cause Matt less stress if I can just relax and go with the flow this year.

Here I go again...

I'm off to the Northwest. Again.

Now while all this travel seems wonderful and perhaps slightly glamourous, it's really not. Come Christmas, it will have been my 4th trip to Washington in the last 2 months. And frankly I'm starting to get a little travel tipsy. I check my bags so I deal with the cranky security people as little as possible. I dress properly so I can get dressed quickly after practically de-robing at security. I know I've been traveling a lot because I recognized a few flight attendants on my way home last time!! That is NOT ok.

This time I am heading up for a few days to help my Dad during the first few days of his surgery. His knee is not well, there's 4 things wrong with it, so I'm heading up to help him get settled and also cook a bunch of meals for him. Meals that he and my sister can just pop in the microwave or heat up on the stove. So I've been double meal planning which has been fun, and also exploring some new recipes. I hope they turn out well. I also sent out an email to some of my family members, asking for some new recipes so that Dad doesn't get bored. (Thanks to Uncle Gregg for offering to come over on Friday and help out!)

I'm a bit worried about how everything is going to turn out. Dad is getting older and I'm afraid that I'm just going to have a mini-meltdown seeing him unable to move. I know it will only be temporary, and that he's in great health. But it's not easy watching your parents get older, no matter how healthy they are.

(insert plea for a ride to Sea-Tac on Sunday afternoon here)

An Unexpected Saturday

I didn't have plans this weekend.

Well that's not totally true. Matt and I went to see Stephanie Paige's show on Friday night. We got all dolled up and had a great time. It was opening night and the cast was really excited and had first night jitters. Definitely got me in the spirit of the season! Afterwards, we waited around for Paige, and she came out all glow-ey (and looking slightly relieved that the first night was over with) and full of smiles. I was so excited for her - this is just the beginning of her performing career in L.A.!

I wound up spending the day with Sarah, a new friend of mine and a very close and dear friend of Paige's. She's fascinating - a pilot for SkyWest Airlines. It was a very warm day - mid 70's - and so without our jackets, we set off for The Grove, a must see for any visitor to L.A. An outdoor mall connected to the farmer's market that screams "Los Angeles is the center of the world, SEE???" Complete with a giant Christmas tree with a fountain choreographed to christmas carols, I guess there's nothing like that plus blue sky and palm trees to get a couple of Pacific Northwesterners into the spirit of the season.

Poor Sarah. She's not the biggest fan of kids (which we talked about at length) and it being a Saturday afternoon, there were kids EVERYWHERE. Not to mention we had to pass by Santa's house a few times, which I have to say Sarah was an absolute trooper. I had a great time with her. It's always fun getting to make new friends (I know I sound like I'm 12, but it's true), and I don't think we stopped talking the entire time. We went to Banana Republic, Barnes and Noble, had lunch at The Farm (and for dessert, had a giant home-made oreo cookie - YUM!), and looked at the American Girl store - turns out we both had Kirsten as kids - and discussed that lots of people must've gotten busy early on this spring because there were babies all over the place.

We headed back to the valley - I had to get her to Paige's work in time for Paige to leave to get to the theater - and bismally failed at finding dinner for Paige. There are no teriyaki places! Just sushi. Everywhere. So I dropped them off, came home exhausted and hung out at home. Then 1am rolled around and the 3 of us headed out to Fred 62, a funky 24hr diner in my neighborhood that has a huge menu and great food. We talked, we laughed, and promptly got sleepy after eating a very late dinner. They dropped me off, we said our goodbyes, and I don't know about them, but I felt it was a great ending to an unexpected Saturday.

This says it all!

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Curs-sed Thoughts Keeping Me Awake...

I'm having trouble sleeping.

For no particular reason other than I can't stop thinking.

About all sorts of things. Random memories. And "memories" that haven't occured. Like meeting my friends' kids for the first time, and what our eventual kids will look like. Wondering what will happen to my Dad after he has surgery next week (knee surgery, and yes I'm heading up again). Random high school pep assembly memories popped in tonight, screaming with my friends "NINETY SIX" at the top of my lungs as though it were the most important thing ever. I think about Mom and if she'd be proud of me (maybe a little frustrated). I think about my sister and hope she'll sort her life out someday. I think about my friends and how eternally grateful I am for such wonderful people. And I think about my marriage, this incredible man in my life who puts up with my mood swings, my random phrases, and how much closer we've grown together in this last year, even in the last few months.

I'm not sure how to turn my brain off. I'm exercising like I should, try to not eat sugar after 9pm, and don't watch tv. I read. Maybe I shouldn't do that either because I start thinking about the characters and the time I went to my favorite author's book signing (it was so much fun. She used to write for the Cosby Show and do stand up comedy in NYC years ago. I laughed so hard). Should I go talk to my doctor about a sleeping pill? Tylenol PM seems to do the job if I take it early enough. I just don't want it to become a habit. I've got an addictive personality.

Any suggestions?

I'm starting to get tired again now. I'll stay up a little later and see if I can just exhaust myself. And no work out for me. I can't run 2-3 miles in the morning on 4-5 hours of sleep. So perhaps it will be yoga instead. Or maybe I should start doing a little yoga at night to calm myself down.

See? This is what happens. One thought leads to another and before I know it I've been laying in bed for an hour and a half without a wink of sleep.

Sigh.

Well if you have any suggestions please let me know. I'll try anything once. Well, almost anything.

Domestic? Me?

I made a pie. From scratch! Even made my own crust. Called Aunt Diane for advice.

I cleaned the bathroom and washed the dishes.

I even found a few minutes to make homemade pesto sauce which is now freezing in an ice cube tray.

What's going on with me?

Recovery...kind of...

I went back to bootcamp yesterday and my legs hurt pretty bad this morning. Of course, I went back today for more (we have a shortened week due to the holiday) and we have a new trainer on Tuesdays and Thursdays now. His name is Nandoor and he is a human version of the energizer bunny. I don't know where he gets it or what he's on, but I came away feeling utterly exhausted and yet rejuvinated. I really hope he sticks around. It would be great for all of us campers if we have Ricardo MWF and Nandoor T/Th so we can work different sets of muscles. And since I've missed a few weeks due to being sick and then out of town, I'll be going 4x a week for the next 3 weeks so I can maximize the benefits before Christmas.

I haven't cried over Grandpa yet. I expect it will hit me later, or not at all. He lived a full life and while he was in such pain at the end, he's finally at peace and that's where he should be.

Thanksgiving is coming! I love this holiday and all the food that comes with it. We are hosting this year and I'm afraid it's going to rain. The plan is to eat on the rooftop deck but if it is raining...well, we have enough chairs. We'll just be cozy. I'm making 3 pies, cranberry sauce, and green bean casserole. I might make an appetizer too, we'll just have to see how adventurous I'm feeling. I'm a bit nervous about the pies. I am making my own crust this year - it's Mom's recipe - and we all know how I get when I open up that box! But I'm going to do my best. I've never made pie crust before. To my Aunt Diane - I will be calling you! :)

P.S. Thank you IRS and our awesome accountant for the nice refund this year!

Goodbye, Grandpa.

Richard Mesmer
September, 1924 to November 15, 2008

He was a character. I will miss him terribly.
Grandma Betty - I hope you're ready for him! :)

I'm still reeling from losing my last living Grandparent. It was a strange day yesterday, with the burial, and then flying back to Seattle. Not having Matt here has been hard, and yet very rewarding because I've had to toughen up and deal with myself and my family all on my own. But with my family, I'm never alone. As Matt said, we are a pride of lions. Fiercely loyal until death.

I can't say much more right now - I am still processing all of this. I know it will hit me hard when I get home, or it may not hit me for awhile. Maybe on the plan when I'm among strangers. Who knows? But I can't wait to get home and get back to work, get back to living my life. Right now I feel as if I'm in limbo and it's driving me slightly crazy.

Loss

I've been reading various blogs today and seeing how so many of my friends are going through loss. Miscarriages, lost loved ones, having to give away pets...it's very humbling. And while I'm not yet fully dealing with the impending loss of my Grandpa, I will be shortly as I leave Friday for a week or so. I know it will bring back many memories of Mom, but I will take her with me. My aunts, cousins, uncle, sister and Dad will be there. We are so lucky to have each other. I don't know what I'd do without them.

Yesterday Dad called to tell me another colleague of his had passed away last week due to complications from Alztheimers (sp). He sounded so tired, and so sad. I really didn't know what to do except support him in every way that I could over the phone, which is so hard. I just never know if I'm getting the job done, you know? And as I talked to my Aunt last night, I suddenly thought about how as a child, I never thought these days would come. I never really thought about how my Grandparents would die. I thought everything would stay the same and we'd always see eachother at the Holidays, birthdays, and even the yearly family reunions. Now it's so hard to get together. We all have our own new families now and while we're still all connected, our family has changed so much over the years. Thinking of this makes me a little sad, but I know it's just part of life. And there are some things in life that I just have to accept. This is one of them.

Renewal and Reflection

It's been a rough few weeks, full of surprises and hard truths. It's forced me to recognize some things about myself that I knew but didn't want to admit. I wouldn't say that I deny things, but I can certainly delay dealing with certain aspects of my life and personality for quite awhile. I think it's a defense mechanism, I deal with them either until I'm ready or until I have to.

Most of this stems from wanting a family. I've been putting myself under the microscope and thinking about who I want to be for my future kids, and frankly I'd love to be just like my Mom. She was the greatest Mom, in my opinion, because she was mine and she understood me like no one else ever could. I never hated her, never fought with her (except over homework), deep down I always loved her. I always had the sense that she took pride in being a parent, even when it was difficult. She had a certain grace and air about her that, to a child, always seemed calm. But I'm not calm. I'm not Mom, and I'm not Dad. I'm me. And who is this person that's evolved? And how can I be a better human being? How can I feel more satisfied with my life? Changes need to be made. So if I've seemed reclusive, if I've making statements that sound like questions, if I seem to be in my head all the time, well, that's because I am. I am trying very hard to make some very substantial and important changes in my life, and what's great is that Matt's doing the same thing. We have made some very tough decisions these last few weeks regarding our future which ultimately have brought us closer together. We've cried a lot, we've argued a bit, but mostly we are excited for what's to come. And that's a really good feeling.

Part of this reflection of self is also stemming from my Grandpa. He's my last grandparent and while we are not close, it is still hard to say goodbye. I will most likely go up this weekend to Spokane and see him one last time. I know it's been difficult for our family because it is bringing back so many memories of taking care of Mom in her last weeks. He's not eating or really drinking - he just takes his pain pills and goes back to bed. I have been having a hard time figuring out how much time he has left. Dad says weeks, Sharon says maybe 4-6 weeks, maybe even past Christmas. But no matter what, he's still here right now and I need to go see him. I do have great memories of him from my childhood. Like how he was always the cool Grandpa with the latest video games and cool gadgets. He and Grandma would let me stay up late with them and drink diet pepsi, eat cheez-its, and watch Johnny Carson. I'd get to eat those lovely sugary cereals during my visits to their house with the orange shagg carpet and mirrored hallways. I'm really going to miss him, and I also want him to be at peace. I hope Grandma is ready for him. He's a pistol.

Still in awe

I am still pondering what we did.

We elected Barack Obama as our next president.

President-elect Obama? Sounds good. Has a nice ring to it. But I must be dreaming...??

I know he won't be able to accomplish everything he wants to within one term (but hopefully some things will get turned around in a hopefully 2nd term). I have never been more full of hope than these last few days, feeling as though everything (eventually) will be ok. My heart was touched by all of my fellow citizens that were celebrating in the streets and had I not been sick, I might have joined them.

And while the US elected a president that will change our future, it is unfortunate that my state elected to ban gay marriage. I am very disappointed and hope that this will be overturned. Rumors are already being whispered that it's going to be taken to the state supreme court as unconstitutional. Let's hope so.

I voted!

Did you?

We had to wait about a half hour in line to vote, which was kind of exciting! Normally I vote by absentee but this time I wanted to be part of the experience. We filled out our sample ballots at home and then walked the half block to our polling station. There were so many people crammed in those little booths with their brochures, trying to figure out what they wanted to vote for. I felt proud that we had made our decisions already and would save time (and patience for those in line behind us) by being so efficient.

While I was voting, I thought to myself that we are pretty lucky live in a country where not only we can vote to change the future but also express ourselves by going to rallys, voting, blogging, etc. Free speech is pretty dang awesome.

Pictures from Cambria

For Cindy, a picture of Matt's Sandwich - turkey, pesto, goat cheese, roasted red peppers on fresh ciabatta bread.

We went for a hike at the start of sunset before dinner, and there were these cool driftwood benches. If we ever lived near the water, I'd love to have one in our yard.

Just up the hill outside of town. It's good to be on vacation and celebrating each other!

A panoramic shot of the beach just south of Cambria.

Wine, dessert, and my best friend.

For details on our trip, visit hubby's blog. He put our trip into words that I can't muster at the moment.

Interesting

Last night I had a tough time sleeping. I was anxious and upset for no particular reason but with Matt out of town and being all by myself with my thoughts, my mind just started racing. I had a terrible time falling asleep and once I did, I had this wonderful dream where I got to see an old friend. I dreamed that it was my mom's memorial service and there he was. I gave my friend a huge hug and felt so happy to see him. I promised that we'd catch up after the service but that for the time being, I had to greet other people who were arriving. To make a long story short, I didn't make it to the memorial for whatever reason and missed seeing my friend. I was so overwhelmed and upset that I just wailed. Cried so hard that I was heaving, huge alligator tears, and totally red in the face. But I did wake up feeling better, and I was thinking this morning how interesting it is that sometimes we do in our dreams what is so hard for us to do in real life.

Outta here!

We're just about to take off for our much needed anniversary trip to Cambria, CA. We are staying at a lovely little inn just across the street from Moonstone Beach. I cannot WAIT to get out of the city and away from the noise that comes from living just a mile from a major hospital. I've noticed a trend in the last few years...we always seem to schedule our getaways about every 6-8 months. We just need to rejuvinate and get re-foucsed, re-motivated. It's also nice to get away from the internet, tv, and the distractions of everyday life. We really do reconnect as a couple on these trips and that is definitely my favorite part.

(Thanks again to Matt and Jessica for watching our meows while we're away.)

Happy Anniversary!

Can you believe it, babe? Seven years tomorrow and we're still here. It's been an amazing, sometimes difficult (and yet interesting) journey, but I wouldn't be here with out you and I'm so blessed to have you in my life. Here's to another 7 years filled with you, me, and whatever (and whoever) awaits us! Love you always!!

xoxoxo