Thursday, October 12, 2006

Bad day

So far it's not going well. I'm terribly depressed and was told that my anti-depressants wouldn't kick in for another 3 weeks. And I started working out today, which means my muscles are terribly sore.

I also had to make a visit to the doctor. I have a birthmark just below my left eye, and while I was in Seattle, I noticed it grew and starting turning black. But it didn't hurt and if I pushed it down it would go flat for a little while and then puff right back up again. Needless to say, I was a little concerened so I went to the doctor to get referred to a dermatologist. Well, she said it's nothing serious but I should have it removed. So she's referred me to surgery, and they may refer me to plastic surgery. Oh joy. It's not just something they can burn off, oh no. We have to make this a long drawn out process that could take months. :P I just want this thing off my face so I'll stop feeling so self concious. The doctor said it's most likely benine but given my recent experiences I'd like to find out for sure sooner rather than later. Luckily it has stopped growing but it still sits there, on my face, under my eye, making me feel like some sort of freak show.

I just want to be happy. I dont' want to feel sad, upset, mad, angry, hurt, depressed, confused, lazy...all these negative things. I want to be happy but I just can't seem to move on. I am trying, and I have to get back to work on the price list for NWAG, but I just seem to keep putting it off. If only zoloft would kick in sooner. In the meantime, I'll just keep working out, drinking water, and enjoying this lovely 80 degree weather.


Jenny said...

Honey, you are moving on. This is grief. It is long, complicated, varied, and difficult. You will have moments of happiness, joy, contentedness (is that a word?) and sometimes you will work very hard for those moments. But grief is a bitch like that. So during those difficult times, acknowledge them, explore them, play them out, and then chose to do something else for a while to give your brain a break.

And do not watch movies or read books about any combination of the following: moms, daughters, cancer, death, or designer purses.

The last one particularly annoys the shit out of me

Anonymous said...

Check this out. I don't know that it will make you happy. It might even make you cry (it did me). But you will be happy to know that it's out there. Love, Cindy