Sunday, September 30, 2007

Missing

I am on my own tonight. Matt's had meetings all day and I am craving tuna casserole. As I search for my cookbook with the recipe in my handwriting I relize I've left it at Don and Cindy's, which means I must dive into the index card recipe collection that Mom had made for me shortly after Matt and were married. In the front is an email she sent me for her home-made pesto. I had asked for it for months, and finally she emailed it to me. It sits there, along with the entire box, waiting to be used again. And I can't bring myself to do it, even a year later, because it still hurts too much to see her handwriting and those "xoxo" 's on her email. It's at times like this, when I'm cooking and have to use her knowledge, her pieces of advice - especially in the kitchen - that it really truly hits me like a freight train, that she is gone, she's not coming back, and while I think I've accepted it, the fact of the matter is I only want her back because I desperately miss her.

5 comments:

Cindy said...

Since there is no perfect thing to say in this situation that will undue your loss or make the pain go away, I will risk just saying what I am actually thinking. Two thoughts strike me as I'm reading your post. One, I can see why you miss her. She seems like an amazing woman. And two, I hope that someday when you are ready to open the box, that you will be willing to pass some of her amazing cooking wisdom on to me. There's never been a recipe of your mother's that you've talked about that hasn't sounded absolutely divine. I'll be thinking of you today.

island sweet said...

every time you think of your mother you bring her back. you honour her. you are blessed to have had a mother that you miss so much. that love lives on in you and you will pass it on...

Joy B said...

Camille, I am so sorry. I met your mom only maybe once or twice, but even so she struck me as an amazing person. It was clear to me how much she cherished you. Your story really brought home to me how much of ourselves go into the little things we do for one another. I don't know what else to say except, I'm thinking of you.

Nathe said...

C-

I'm sorry. Love and hugs through the internets for you.

Jay said...

lots of love