Monday, January 14, 2008

Reflections

The community of Blogs is an interesting one. Through one I find another and another, until I've found a host of internet friends - people that I knew in college or another time in life, and people that I know only through the online world.

So today I visited a site that is always fun to read, and clicked on a blog that is written by an old college friend.

I read that her mom died suddnely on Saturday after a stroke.

The first thing I thought of was "What do I say?" It's a strange feeling, knowing what someone must be feeling, but not exactly. I got the chance to say goodbye, knowing Mom wouldn't make it past the month, whereas her Mom passed away so suddenly. All I could say was that she should grieve her loss and celebrate her Mom's life in her own way, and to rely on those who have rallied around her.

I wish I could say "I can't imagine what you're going through" except that I know, and there have been so many moments in just this new year where it has hit me and I can't make the tears stop. It's just so blasted unfair sometimes that I can hardly stand it. And it's not fair. At all. And while I know that part of getting older is saying goodbye to those who raised you, it just seems so unfair to say goodbye when they are just beginning that second part of their life, where you think you might have kids sooner rather than later, where you can begin to really enjoy your time together. And then they are gone. Whether you're with them and it's expected, or it's sudden, it's never easy, it's never really "expected". I always hoped and wished for a miracle, that she would get better, that her spirit and body would survive and we'd all be ok, life would go back to the way it was. But it never will, and so we must live with this hole that may be patched but never filled.

All in all, I just miss her. I can still hear her voice saying my name, that she loves me, calling me sweetheart, and her laugh. But as my college friend said, "I was lucky to have her for as long as I did."

1 comment:

tacomachickadee said...

I feel for you both in my own way. While this was the year of me losing all three of my grandmas, not my moms, the final one was really a mother to me. I grew up with her, in the same house, for my first 18 years. So it was quite surreal to have this grandma be the third and final grandma to die this year. And hers was long and drawn out compared to the others' fairly sudden departures. All hard, but this last was an arrow to the heart. Not just my second mother, but so loving and generous and giving to so many.

Which makes my heart ache even harder for you, for Jenny, for the two daughters I know and love of the mother who these week went home ... if the pain I feel for my mother/grandmother this past month or two has been this hard, I can't even imagine the tear-choking the rest of you experience. Can't even fathom.

And to that note, I just say, while it might be across the Internets, a bit hug to you, a big hug to all the people who lose their mothers, their parents, much earlier than they should ...