Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Things unsaid

I'm putting myself out there.

It's 11:11pm at night. I just got home a few hours ago from a wonderful day with my husband. As most of you know, today marks the 1 year anniversary of Mom's passing. I didn't cry. I didn't yell or get angry. We had a peaceful day outside the city, enjoying the scenery and each other.

I am feeling sad though, and not because of Mom. Or maybe so, I'm not sure. But I'm realizing, after reading friends blogs and emails, that I've really shut myself off from those around me. I've been rather selfish with my friends, I think, in that I've been so focused on myself and not sharing what's going through my head, however, I've not been that great of a listener either. I want to be open to new ideas, to new opinions. I want to be more flexible in what I do in my free time, and not make a fuss when my friends suggest something that I may not want to do. I feel like what I've done is cut myself off because I'm afraid of emoting, afraid of being vulnerable. Everyone says I seem to be doing really well but I'm not. I'm cracking, and it's going to hit soon, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Everyone seems to be having these amazing experiences, with their kids, with ther new jobs and families, with their new adventures. And my life just seems to keep repeating itself. I really don't know where this last year went, I don't remember much at all. Is that normal? Is that bad? That I can't remember who I talked to and what I said or what the other person said? I feel so terribly lost and confused, and I'm spiraling down, unable to catch myself and come back to my centered, stable self.

What makes it worse is that I feel terribly cut off from my friends up North. I rarely talk to them anymore and when I do, there isn't much to say because we haven't talked in so long. And I don't know what to say because I'm so caught up in my own emotions that I don't have room for much else. But I want to care and I want to know. I want to help. I want to hear what their lives are like and be able to relate to my friends. I'm scared that in a few years, we'll barely talk at all. Sure, emails and blogs are easy, but it's those phone calls that mean "I want to take the time to talk to you one on one because I care."

Is it strange I feel out of the loop with my friends who have kids? They are experiencing the wonders and joys of motherhood and I so enjoy reading their stories and experiences. It's like a free advice column for me when I have children (but we're not ready yet). And yet, I can't relate. I don't know what it's like to give birth, to breastfeed, to be up all night with a sobbing baby. And I'm so proud to know these women who are raising kids, yet I can't talk to them about it because I don't know. Anything.

I was talking to Matt today about how I want to be more aware, about history, culture, politics. I find that I want to be more like my Mother, who was so smart and well rounded in so many subjects. I feel left out when conversations are going on around me, with words and phrases I don't understand. I hate that feeling. Of being an adult and yet still feeling like I'm being left out. But it's my fault for closing myself off to new things. I need to be more open. I need to ask questions and start reading books, to cook more and slow down and enjoy life. I want to become more well rounded and insightful.

I want to be at peace.


Jenny said...

When it hits, here's what you do.

You cry, struggle, suffer...

and ultimately survive.

Be brave, my dear. It's OK not to be doing well. You'll be happy with how much better things are at the end of that particular journey, at the beginning of another one.

Jenny said...

And it's perfectly ok to feel out of the loop about the kids thing. It's the different path, and one that you aren't on yet. When/if the time is right, you will! Hell, I don't get at ALL the whole LA thing...crazy!

tacomachickadee said...

My heart goes out to you and thoughts are with you. After being surprisingly taken aback after my grandma's recent death, I can't even imagine a parent's. And know that you will always fit in even if you NEVER have kids. Just as long as you never ditch us just BECAUSE we have kids! ;)