Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Goings On

Figures. The only time I have time to blog, really, is at the Early home while I'm waiting for Don to get the board set up and Cindy's picking out her spells.

So much has been going on, I don't even know where to start. Michelle and Sharon were visiting last weekend from Alaska and it was fun to see them. I hadn't seen them since last March so it was a big treat to have them here. I don't know what it is about their visits but something crazy always happens to the 3 of us when they come to visit! We went to Knott's Soak City on Sunday (fun, but not worth 20 bucks) and on our way there a cop car merged on the freeway. He sped up in front of the cars and started swerving in and out of all 4 lanes! Everyone slowed down and started looking at other drivers as if to say "What the eff is this cop doing?" The 3 of us thought that someone stole the cop car and was driving drunk and/or on drugs. Turns out it was to slow down traffic and space out the amount of cars arriving to the scene of a new accident (which, incidentally, was a nasty one involving several motorcycles). It was really weird though, and I think the story of the car being stolen is much more interesting.

I had an interesting therapy session last night which involved my grief and lack of dealing with it. I mentioned to my counselor that when I was little, I loved my art class and used oil pastels all the time. I even won a few school district competitions (one picture I remember was a haunted house on a hill, the sky was green, and half of it was black - that was the hill - I thought the whole thing was gross and I couldn't understand why everyone was making such a big deal out of it). My counselor suggested that I start painting again, as a way to deal with my emotions so they aren't coming out at unexpected times, like at home in the middle of dinner or at work while in the middle of, well, work. It would also be, I think, a wonderful and emotional connection to Mom's memory as she was an artist herself. So, with the birthday money I'm told I'm getting, I plan on buying some new art supplies and starting to create once again. I've been asked by my counselor to bring a sketchbook and the pastels to our next session to use as an outlet while we're talking.

I'm afraid that this will crack my "emotional dam" even further and the flood gates will open and I'll be an emotional mess and not be able to bring myself back to center. I feel like I'm on the cusp of something very emotional and challenging, and also being on the cusp of being a grown, adult woman. It's very confusing and I just want to get there, without all the work. I'm tired of living sometimes, but I know there is so much joy to be had, and I want to experience without all of the sadness and anger. So this journey is a necessity, and hopefully (sooner rather than later) I'll be able to look back and say that I am better for it.

1 comment:

tacomachickadee said...

Google the term "Saturn Returns." Life transition pains at and around 29 are super-normal, and there is life on the other side. And it's quite nice. It's so lovely to finally be on the other side of 30! But I do understand the emotional distress ... and my thoughts are with you sweetie! And I totally agree with utilizing creative outlets to help deal ... that's about when I started getting more regular with my writing, and remembering that it's something I NEED to do more of. Best of luck sweetie!