A better attitude

I was chatting with a friend online, and mentioned how I was done with 2013 already.  With financial stress, my back issues, and the three of us going round and round with colds and flus...

She responded with "You said the same thing about 2012, too.  There have been some really good things that have happened for you guys already in 2013!"

And you know what?  She's right.  April has been full of surprises, despite my back issues and Wesley's current cold.  It would be inappropriate to share online right now, but it's safe to say some really good things are happening.  And there's lots of potential for even more good things if Matt's next project takes off (more on that when the Kickstarter begins).

So, you want to know how I'm doing?  I'm really good.  Wesley only wakes up a few times a night and, when not sick, goes right back to sleep after a bottle.  He is very opinionated, interested in everything, and is trying to climb the furniture.  He is happy, healthy, and strong willed.  He is the best thing in my life, for sure.

Matt and I are doing well, too.  He surprised me with a date a few weeks ago - came home early, had lined up everything, from the babysitters to dinner and the movie.  It was wonderful to have some time for just us.

While one day of daycare is gone, I still can take Wesley to her house on Mondays, and then my sister comes on Friday afternoons to watch the boy so I can get work done, go to the gym, etc.  This will certainly cut down our childcare expenses!

So yeah, things are good.  Still hard, money is still very much a struggle BUT we have our health.  Our house.  Food on the table, and heat in our house.  Loving family and friends.  Really, we are truly blessed, and I need to remember that when the road of life gets bumpy.

Life Without Facebook

As most of you know, I gave up Facebook for Lent.  I had Matt log in for me once, and take care of something, and that was it.  I happened to see that I had 194 updates and 3 messages.  In just two weeks!  People, that's just crazy.  It's been clear to me for these last few weeks that I spend WAY too much time on Facebook.  After the end of March, I'm going to keep it off of my phone.  I'm spending more time getting things done, quality time with my family, and my life feels much simpler.

The only thing I don't like about it is that it's harder to keep in touch with people.  There are a few that I only connect with on Facebook, like Lena.  I miss sharing photos with those closest to me, especially of Wesley.  But Matt updates me on the big stuff, like our college acquaintance getting a new position in Seattle (Congrats, Louis!).  I continually tell him to be on the look out for an update regarding a friend of ours expecting a new baby.  I know I'm missing a lot.  But then, I also cannot keep in touch with 650 people. I think I'm going to have to remove quite a few people from my friends list, even though I know who everyone is, I don't talk to or keep up with all of them.

Wesley is doing great.  He's crawling all over the place, I spend much of the day just chasing after him.  He's interested in everything, pulls himself up wherever he can, and has started walking side to side when he's pulled himself up on the couch or coffee table.

I cannot believe I'm going to have a one year old as of Sunday.  CRAZY!!

Giving Up Facebook - Day 1

I'm not really a religious person, but I decided to challenge myself this year and give up Facebook for Lent.  Hubby changed my passwords and I un-synced (if that's a word) Facebook from my phone.  I've already realized how it's such a part of my life.  Check email and then check Facebook.  I've caught several moments with Wesley, and thought "Oh, I need to take a picture and post it to Facebook!"  Well, I can't, so I find myself enjoying the moment.  Or, I take pictures with our real camera, and I can email them to friends and family and/or post them here.

Already, this decision is forcing me to interact more and more with my son and husband.  No longer do I check my phone incessantly for Facebook updates, or get "caught up" with friends and family.  And by "caught up", I mean there's no conversation.  If I don't comment or "like", there is no guarantee to that person that I've actually taken the time to read what they have to say.  And I don't like that.  I grew up in an age where there was no internet, no Facebook, no cell phones.  We were forced to talk to people, to leave messages (heck, my parents had a party line, people.  I'm totally dated), to visit face to face or on the phone.  I wrote letters, for Pete's sake!!  I want to teach my son that it's OK to interact with people face to face, that there are many ways of communication, not just through the computer.

 I can already tell I'm going to be learning a lot about myself...this just the first day!

New reality

I was not prepared for this amount of sleep deprivation.  It clearly didn't matter how many people told me, how many articles or books I read.  Holy crap.  Eight hours once in a blue moon is clearly not enough.  My life is a series of naps.  Day blends into night and vice versa.  I'm really thrown now that the days are getting longer.

The hardest part about being a mom, I think, is that I don't always love it.  And when I talk to a new mom who says "Isn't it just the best thing ever?"  I just answered honestly.  "Well, yes, but it's also really hard sometimes."  And she looked at me like I was crazy.  As if by giving that answer means I don't love my kid.  Which is bullshit, because no words can describe how I feel about Wesley.  But don't we all have bad days?  Like today, where child has been up since midnight for the most part, eating every 60 to 90 minutes, sleeping 20 minutes, then repeat?  And you can barely sleep, let alone eat?  I mean, there is absolute truth in the statement "This is the hardest job you will ever love."  No kidding.

What I was not expecting is how isolating motherhood would feel.  And how my friendships would change.  How I would feel like I've lost myself in some respects, and that the old me is gone.  Which is exhausting to think about because I spent 3 or 4 years in counseling after Mom died, and came out a new, confident woman.  And now I'm mommy.  And this is a new part of my personality that I'm not familiar with, that arrived somewhat unexpectedly with Wesley being a preemie.  When I talk to my friends, I start almost every conversation with "I'm all baby, all the time, and that's all I can talk about because that's my life right now."  Most understand.  And I certainly try to go easy on myself.  But it's hard, and I don't even miss my old life because I can't remember life before Wesley.  It all seems so far away.

I know he'll get older.  I know this too shall pass.  I know he'll grow like a weed right before my eyes, and before I'm ready he'll be off to preschool.  I know I need/want to enjoy every single moment.  But at this particular moment, I'd really just like 8 hours of straight sleep every night for a week.

Worries

I met with my midwife yesterday, a follow-up appointment to see how everything is going.  And everything is fine!  She oogled over photos of Wesley, and said we're doing a great job with him.

I asked her several questions about my health so forth, but it was her answer to this one that has just been eating at me:

"If we wanted to have another baby, could I carry it to term?"

"Well, now that you've had a preemie baby, your risk for having another one increases three times.  Once you're ready, we'll have you meet with a high-risk specialist and make a plan."

I should mention here that the topic of having another baby is off the table until next spring.

I suppose it's that phrase "high-risk" that's really eating at me.  I see more high blood pressure and swelling, lots of bedrest (I was on bedrest with Wesley the week prior to his birth), and more stress tests.  It scares me, frankly, but she encouraged me to not freak out because I did manage to get Wesley to 35 weeks.  I guess I need to focus on what I can control now, which is my diet and new exercise plan.  She gave me clearance to start walking and taking yoga classes.  She said that yoga in particular would be really good for me.  There is a community center not far from here, maybe 10 minutes or less, that offers a variety of classes and the gym membership is very decently priced.

So I guess you could say I'm trying to not over-anticipate, and I'm certainly not in any shape, mentally or physically, to go through another pregnancy any time soon.  I'm just worried and trying to shake my mind of what could happen down the road.  I have to keep in mind that I have an amazing opportunity now, to get myself healthy and in better shape so that if we do have another one, I'll be better prepared, and if not, well, I'll be able to fit into my pants better. :)

Mommy Musings

Wesley turned 6 weeks old last Saturday.  I have little room in my brain for more than eat, nap, and baby.  Getting out of the house on my own for more than two hours is utter bliss.  At least tomorrow he gets his shots (which I'm not looking forward to experiencing), which means I'll be more comfortable taking him on walks and into a few more public places.

I suppose the strangest thing, and from the mommies I've talked to, this is quite common, is the loneliness I feel.  And it's not because we're not without support, because people have been amazing.  It's the loneliness as a new mom, wondering if I'm already preparing my kid for future therapy sessions somehow.  I feel such an overwhelming sense of responsibility, that sometimes it's easier to just cry it out than think it out.  I went through a big phase of guilt, because he was premature and because I couldn't (and still can't) make enough milk (thank goodness for formula).  I'm doing all that I can but it's still really hard, and it's the one thing I was supposed to be able to do, quite easily.  But that's gone now.  Usually the breakdowns now only happen when I haven't eaten and/or slept for awhile, so I'm trying to keep myself on a better schedule. 

That's the other thing, taking care of myself is extremely difficult.  I'm supposed to sleep when he sleeps, right?  So where does all that other stuff come in, like eating and bathing, and a little time to myself now and then?  It was really hard a few weeks ago, oh I just had such a difficult time.  Everyone was making demands of me - pump often, take an epsom salts bath every night, sleep, eat, go for a walk, get out of the house, yada yada yada - and I absolutely know this all comes with the best intentions.  But hearing/feeling/thinking all these things at the same time, and add sleep deprivation?  Not a pretty sight.  That's when Matt sends me to bed.

On the upside, Wesley is absolutely thriving.  Last week at the doctor's office he weighed in at 7lb, 13 oz.  He's graduated from preemie clothes (that actually happened awhile ago) to newborn clothes, and is now in Size 1 diapers.  He is eating and sleeping regularly, aside from that "witching hour" that happens around 9 or 10pm (which I hear can be colic, and we'll be asking the doc about that tomorrow).  He has a double chin, and neck rolls.  We've started to hear sneak peaks as to what his laugh will sound like, and his smile takes up half his little face.  His cheeks are totally pudgy, his hair sticks straight up after a bath, and he has got a set of LUNGS, people, lemme tell you.  Singers lungs.  Wonder wear he gets that from?

I know this won't last forever.  I know that in a year, when he's walking or getting ready to, I'll long for the days where I could just cuddle him in my arms.  So I keep myself in check, reminding myself that he can't help how he feels, nor how he chooses to express himself, and it's my job to try out everything to keep him calm and happy.  There is no doubt in my mind that he is a beautiful little boy, and I'm a very lucky woman to be his mommy.

Middle Of The Night Madness

I sleep with earplugs because I'm a sensitive sleeper.  This means I can't hear myself snoring, and it's apparently pretty bad.  I don't know what to do.  Google, which is not my friend, says that it's most likely due to increased fluids in the body which includes my nasal passages.  I'm going to see if I can find those nasal strips at the drug store so that Hubby and I can both sleep.  I do sleep on my side.  I can try sleeping with my head elevated.  It supposedly gets worse into the third trimester.  Of course, increased snoring can be a warning sign for preeclampsia (which I've been tested for and was negative) or pregnancy apnea.  I'm supposed to ask Hubby if I'm sputter or cough at all while snoring, which I'm pretty sure I don't, because I'd wake myself up! I realize that one of us can sleep in another space, and it might just come down to that. 

I am 33 weeks pregnant, almost 34 (on Thursday) and I have truly begun the "done being pregnant/ready to meet my kid" phase.  I know he still has some cooking to do, but the swelling hands, feet, and ankles is really starting to annoy me.  Big time.  I have pregnancy induced carpel tunnel in my right hand all of the time.  There seems to be very little relief from it, aside from accpuncture.  This makes it difficult to write thank-you notes, to eat, use a can opener, open packages, etc.  There's numbness and tingling. 

I feel SO FAT.  All the weight gain is in my upper body, which I know is good, and I apparently still am not waddling.  I guess from behind you can't even tell I'm pregnant.  But these last several days I've felt like a whale and just wanted to stay in bed all day.  The emotions are out of control, I feel like crying most of the time.  I guess I'm just not in a good place tonight.  My last day at work is March 1, and from then on I'll be working at home full time up until baby boy arrives.  I plan on upping the workouts - swimming 2 times a week and yoga 2 times a week.  Right now the exercise has dwindled to yoga once a week, and an occasional walk.  Not good enough.  But I am drinking more water and aside from this weekend, watching my sodium intake, and that's helping me feel a little better. 

I should go back to bed soon.  I'm just trying to give Hubby a chance to sleep before I start snoring again. 

I'm also freaked out a little about labor and delivery.  I know, I know, women have been doing this for centuries, without drugs, and I can do it too.  But I haven't done this before.  My mom isn't here to tell me about her experience, what her warning signs were.  I am reading Ina May's Guild to Childbirth, which is helpful, but I'd get more relief if I just knew how my little sister and I arrived in this world.  There's only so much my relatives know.  I want to know what it FELT like, was she scared, excited, how did she cope with the pain, etc.  So many questions that will go unanswered. 

Last night I had my first panic attack about parenthood.  Full on tears, red in the face, hyperventilating, wondering "howamigoingtodothis" and "whatamigettingmyselfinto" fits of emotion.  I know everything will be fine, I know I'll figure it out just like all other first time Moms.  But at that moment, and moments in between, I panic.  And I write blog posts at 3am.  

I suppose you could say that missing Mom is at the root of all these "emotionally charged states" as Hubby likes to call them (it sounds better than my term, which is "complete meltdowns").  And yes, he's mostly right.  And that's all that I have to say about that topic. 

The friends baby shower, hosted by one of my best friends, Brie, was over the weekend and it was so lovely.  So many people turned up, and I was overwhelmed by the love and joy for this new life coming into the world.  What an amazing group of friends!

On that note, it's time for me to try and get some more shut-eye while I still can. 

30 Weeks!

I suppose the biggest thing I've noticed is that I need to start slowing down.  Up until now, I could schedule 2 or 3 things a day, and be fine, as long as I could get at least a 30 minute cat nap in.  Now, I've cut my work schedule down to working from home 4 days a week, and going into Redmond once a week.  Two gatherings is more than enough, and I have to separate them out between morning and late afternoon so I can get a nap in.  If they're one after the other, then it's hard for me to go anywhere at night because I'm so tired.  This is really hard for me because I am such a social person.  I get lonely rather easily, and poor hubby is the source of so much conversation and entertainment these days.  And as I get bigger, I rely on him more and more for even the simplest of things, like tying my shoes, or giving me foot rubs to help combat the ache in my feet from the swollen ankles.

Our house is slowly getting there.  We've cleaned out numerous closets, made some serious progress on the nursery.  Hubby has now asked me to schedule us time on the calendar to work on house projects so we feel like we're getting things done.  Tonight we'll get the rest of the nursery cleaned out, and then Hubby will put up the paint tape.  We've picked out a color already, which is exciting.  It's going to be so cute, I can't wait to see what it's going to look like when it's all done.  We have a boatload of clothes from friends, which has been wonderful.  I, of course, have already sorted them by size and put away the 0-6 months in the dresser, while the rest is in bins that will go into his closet.  Other places that still need work are our now combined office, which looks like the closet threw up, and our garage, though Hubby has made serious progress there (and kitty who pees on floor is still in there.  Every time I think about letting him back into the house, he pees next to the fridge, so clearly, he's a garage cat now.  I'm hopeful he'll be a backyard kitty over the summer). 

I'm not sure that I necessarily feel overwhelmed, and I think that's because Hubby and I have this schedule now.  I want the nursery cleared/cleaned out and painted by the 18th, which is when we have the Friends baby shower at our house.  I also want a clean room where we can put/set-up all the baby stuff.  But I know poor hubby is totally overwhelmed.  He has so many film projects going on, in addition to his pregnant wife constantly needing him for this or that (mostly emotional reassurance, or as he calls them "heightened emotional states").  He will be gone for a few days next month in Pasco for a conference, and my dear friend Paige is flying up to help me out while he's gone.  But now he might be gone for a few more days after he gets back from Pasco, and I told him he needs to figure out/find someone to take care of the cat boxes.  Anyone want to come stay with me for a few days and clean out some litter boxes?  Sounds glamarous, I know.  Try to resist.  :)

Baby is kicking more and more, which is so much fun.  As the date gets closer, I find myself thinking of my family in different ways, specifically my parents, and what life must have been like before my sister and I came along.  I also think about how they each had their own childhood, and how when I was a kid, I never thought about that because they were always just mom and dad, y'know?  I am just thinking of and viewing everything differently these days.  It's quite an experience. 

Anxiety

I am normally an anxious person. Especially when it comes to situation/places/things in general that I'm not familiar with. My heart races and my brain really can't focus on anything else. It's safe to say that I feel as though my heart is about to run right out of my chest and away from my crazy self. Deep breathing doesn't seem to help, and neither does caffeine.

On the other hand, I know I get anxious because I care. Because I want things to work out, not perfectly, but well enough so that I can move forward. Today, and perhaps the next few days, I'll feel this way. I see some serious exercising in my future. That seems to be about the only thing that can really calm me down when my anxiety is this bad.

Year of Gratitude

My friend Jenny has a great idea - to make 2010 the year of gratitude. I agree with her, that I too, get stuck in the monotony of what I don't have as opposed to what I am grateful for. So, every day I'll be posting 3 things I'm grateful for, and I encourage you to list in the comments or on your own blog what you are grateful for too! I know that 2010 is going to be a big year of changes not just for me, but for Matt and I. I want to remain positive and excited about the future, and unfortunately, I've been a bit of a negative nelly this first week of the new year. Time to shift gears!

1. I have not one but two jobs. In this economy, so many people are struggling to find work, and I have been blessed with these companies trusting me to get work done efficiently and in a timely manner. I couldn't be more grateful.

2. My weight loss. I was 20 pounds heavier when we moved here in 2005. Much of it was depression and not caring about myself or what I looked like. I still struggle with "weight loss" but don't believe the scale is accurate. I work out, I do my best to eat right and drink enough water. I am (and should continue to be) thankful that I've lost what I have!

3. These amazing people that are my friends. Far and wide, silver and gold. They have enriched me in ways that I didn't think was possible.

Loss and Gain

This year has been an interesting one.  I've had many friends move away, and they're not done yet.  It's difficult for me to see my friends go as they're my family down here.  We all rely on each other, see and support one another through ups and downs.  Every time one leaves, I feel as though I've been "dumped".  I know that sounds harsh, but when then latest friends told me they were leaving, I just burst into tears.  I can't help it.  Even when I was little, I was incredibly attached to my friends, never wanting them to leave, always feeling like there was just never enough time...to do or say what, I'm not sure, but I still feel that way now.  That there's just not enough time with the people I care for.  

I got my hubby back though, after him being away for 9 days location scouting in WA.  It's prompted a huge and long drawn-out talk about the future and what we want to do.  However, as my MIL says:  "If you want to make God laugh, make a plan."  So we're keeping our options slightly open because life is definitely full of surprises.  But in the meantime, I'm working hard to stay on track.  I have goals and I plan to see them through.  When they'll happen, well, I can't plan everything.  Sometimes I just have to be flexible and patient.  

I also became a fan of the bootcamp I attended all last week!  I am so proud of myself.  It was my free week and since I enjoyed it so much and did so well, they're offering me a payment plan so I can afford to go back for the six week special.  I plan on going every day or as much as possible so I can really get in shape and feel better about myself, feel more confident.  I'm lucky to have a spouse who thinks I'm beautiful and tells me so every day.  I just wish I could feel that way about myself that often.  But back to bootcamp, it's run by these 2 amazing women who really work with you to see your fitness goals through while working with your individual limitations.  I'm excited to see what differences I'll have in 6 weeks! 

Everything and Nothing

Hello? Anyone still reading this?

You ever have so much to say you just don't know where to begin? And suddenly when you feel like talking, you clam up because suddenly you don't want to talk about anything, feeling overwhelmed with all that's going on in your life? It would just be easier for the other person in the room to talk so you can escape from your world for a little while?

Welcome to my world.

October has been a whirlwhind of events. Three trips to Washington in a month, concerts, plays, a funeral, Matt's career talking off, moving possibilities, the talk of starting a family...my brain can't keep up. Just when I thought I might have time to process everything over vacation last week, I got food poisoning on our 8th wedding anniversary. Joy! So now my appetite is gone, and I have to force myself to eat and drink water. More joy! But it's not all bad. Yes, it's overwhelming, but it's nothing I can't handle. And now that I'm home, with hubby, everything seems to be settling down. For a short while. Then he's off to WA again for location scouting for 10 days next month and while I could go up for a few days, I think I need a month to go by where I don't get on a plane.

Pictures to be posted from past events soon, I promise. Just give me a few more days. I appreciate your patience and words of support.

Traveling Girl

I travel. Alot. Every two months I go up to Seattle for work, get to see my Dad and my sister, and hang out with family and friends. Many of my friends here in L.A. gaffaw at the image of the air miles I've racked up, saying "I can't believe how much you travel!" and sometimes I do too. It can be annoying, packing and unpacking, living out of a suitcase. I don't like being away from Matt so much, and all this travel does tire me out. I have to take a few days upon returning home to settle back into my life here. And most of you have heard my complaints at time that going up North means that I also have to deal with drama-mama. I don't think anyone ever looks forward to drama.

That being said, I don't have a traditional life. I don't work a traditional job with traditional hours. My husband is a writer, and I guess you could say I'm kind of a contractor at this point. The jobs that I've had, and the work that I am currently doing, they are all helping me meet my goal, which is to eventually run a bed and breakfast. It is really exciting for me to finally have a sense of direction, to know that what I am doing now will pay off in a big way later on in my life. The fact that I have 2 jobs in this economy is pretty darn good, I'd say, and rather than thinking of "Gawd, I have to travel to Seattle again, " I'm going to start thinking of it as "Guess what? I get to go to Seattle and see my family and friends on a regular basis. How awesome is that?" Because truly, it is awesome. I have friends who don't get to see their loved ones on a regular basis, not even once a year. I am blessed to have this opportunity because it won't be around forever, so I may as well take advantage of it while I can. An extra bonus is that I meet all kinds of interesting people. I met a VP of Disney and a former trustee of a Pasadena Museum. I wonder who I'll meet tonight?

Guess what I get to do tonight? Travel to Seattle.

And next month? I'll head up for a quick few nights to help Katie shop for and move into her dorm at Evergreen State College in Olympia. Freshman year is a big deal, and I'm glad I am around to help during this transition.

October? Heading up for a week to visit with Dad, go to the family cider press, and head to Gearhart, Oregon for 3 lovely nights to celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary.

Christmas? The only way you'll get me on a plane is if my in-laws are visiting from Istanbul. :D A girl has to set her boundaries at some point!

I am traveling. On a plane and within my life. Aren't we all?

Journey of Emotions

Since my last blog post about depression, I've actually been doing quite well. Denial helps, so do distractions with work, movies, and cooking. I have been sleeping more, feeling exhausted for pretty much no reason. But at least I know what to expect now. I was talking with Paige about this earlier, and she reminded me how far I've come. That the first anniversary I was so upset and crying all the time, and that last year I was just really angry and pissed. This year I think it's a mix of both, but I am far less emotional. I don't know if I'm just keeping it all in, or if I'm just doing my absolute best to accept the truth, accept that she's not around anymore, and move on. I can't tell. Maybe after this month, I'll know. When you're in it, it's difficult to see clearly.

I have been feeling good for many reasons. I really enjoy my job at Roadside. It's challenging in many ways, mostly because I suck at numbers. My cousin Gus, who works for a high-profile accounting type firm, said the great thing about working with numbers is that at the end of the day, it all has to add up properly or you know something is wrong. I remember that advice every time I go into work. And as far as my other job goes, they are certainly keeping me busy. I have lots to do today, and most of it involved sitting at my computer and getting caught up with projects. Matt had a job interview last week for a writer's assistant position, and that was exciting! We'll find out next week if he got the job. He also got re-hired at Epic Level, which is wonderful, and he is getting paid to write, which is the best part. I'm really proud of him.

I'm also more committed to swimming and getting healthy. I may always have hips and thighs the size of small tree trunks, but I also remind myself that I've lost 25 pounds during the last 2 years and have managed to keep it off. I went from a size 14 to a size 8/10 (depending on the brand of clothing), and I think that's pretty good! Now it's all about toning, and when I work out, the stress level goes down, I sleep better and I am more conscious about what I eat. It all balances out, and I am starting to feel a little better about the body I have. Working with my curves can be fun and not a challenge. I have to remember that.

All in all, I'm ok. Not bad, not super-duper-happy. But I am satisfied. In talking with Jenny last night, I realized how much I love my life, and our life. Kids will come along eventually, but for now, I'm overall very happy with where I'm at.

P.S. My in-laws leave for Istanbul very very soon! Greg takes off on Tuesday (yes, meaning 8/11, like in 3 freaking days) and Nancy leaves 8/20. Can you believe it?

Etna vs. L.A.

I can't believe how small this place is!

It reminds me of St. John, WA where my cousin and her family lives. There is one grocery store, one police officer (the police office headquarters is open from 8am to 12pm). "Downtown" consists of 2 or 3 blocks, and the most popular hangout is the local pub where they brew their own beer (the blackberry lager is amazing). The drugstore has an old-fashioned soda fountain, and the shelves are stocked with pretty much just one of each item. The air is clear, the people are friendly, and I'm surrounded by mountains. It's so beautiful and quiet here.

I have the same feeling here that I had in Hawaii - I miss the mountains, the green, nature in general. My skin and allergies aren't freaking out, and I sleep SO much better here. My wrinkled, puffy eyes are significantly less wrinkled and puffy since I arrived. I was laughing at myself when I had to go around town to find an ATM, and I was walking so fast! I told myself that it's ok, no one expects you to be anywhere, you're in no hurry, slow down and pace yourself.

I find myself really struggling to want to stay in L.A. It's an absolute challenge sometimes because my health improves whenever I leave that city. Even if it's just a few days in Cambria or Spokane, I'm so much happier without the hustle and bustle and craziness of Los Angeles.

However, I am not struggling to find friends and meaningful relationships, and I have a fantastic husband who's career is on the brink of major success. I must continue to focus on the positive, go to my last few counseling sessions, and work out on a regular basis. My life is what I make of it, whether I'm in L.A. or elsewhere.

(I think Etna won this round.)

Moving Up & Moving On

No, we aren't moving again, at least not anytime soon. But I hope to whoever is in charge that this is our last apartment. Not that I don't love it, but I would love to have a house/condo/townhouse be our next home, whether we're renting our buying.

I was just thinking about some friends of mine that have moved and others who are planning to move. Gayvin and Eric (and of course their son) moved to a very small town in Northern California, about 1.5 hours away from the Oregon border. Another good friend of mine, Paige A., got a job in New York City, so she's moving away this summer. A few of my other friends talk about leaving L.A. not because they don't like it here, but because the opportunities that were once available have left this city and they can't make things work. Matt and I definitely talk about leaving, going somewhere cheaper where he could have an easier time finding work (with 11% unemployment, trying to find a job in California is like trying to find a needle in a haystack - nearly impossible). However, moving never solves problems, it can actually add to the ones you already have. So I think our ultimate challege, for right now, is to stay here for as long as we can. I encourage Matt to look beyond L.A. and California for other opportunities and that if he finds work that's worth moving for, well, we can cross that bridge when we come to it. But I'm not going to plan on a "what-if" kind of future...I'm going to plan for the future that's happening tomorrow.

So to those of you who have left - I miss you...

To those of you who are leaving soon - Let's get together as much as we can before you go, and I'll miss you...

To those of you (and to myself) who are thinking of leaving - You have to do what's best for your life, what will get you where you need and want to go.

We all need to support each other in this incredibly amazing (and sometimes stressful) time in our lives. So go team! Move up, move on, and continue the journey.

Getting Spiritual

Depending on how long I've know people, this conversation is bound to come up. Am I religious? Spiritual? Did I go to Sunday School? Did I go to church on a regular basis? What does/did my family do? It's an interesting story, one that's not complete yet. I wouldn't say that I'm searching for a church or even a religion, for that matter, because for me, they go hand in hand. But I'd say that I'm spiritual in my own, private way. I try to be a good person and do the right thing. That sort of stuff.

My mom was a stained glass designer. She designed windows for private-home installations (privacy windows, decorative, etc). The most impressive, however, were the church windows. Built from scratch or restored, her play with color and light was always incredibly awe-inspiring and impressive. When these windows were done, naturally there was some sort of dedication ceremony and more than once, my parents took me with them. I never felt comfortable going, and could never explain why. To this day I couldn't give you a concrete reason, just that "It's not my thing."

My Dad's side is Catholic and from what I know, my Mom's side was Lutheran. I was baptized Catholic but never confirmed. This is something they, especially my Dad, always regretted, but as an adult I just wish I'd had the chance to attend Sunday School or a youth group, something to give a basis to grow on. Growing up, my parents said it's OK if you're not Catholic, you can be Jewish or Buddhist, it doesn't matter as long as it suits you. I always respected that decision and was grateful for the opportunity to go on my own, personal spiritual journey. Because like politics, spirituality is completely personal and it's not up to anyone but me to decide how I am going to pursue this path.

Matt is Lutheran/Buddhist. He prays, he medidates, but has been searching for peace, and he's found it at a new Lutheran church in North Hollywood. He joined the community officially last week, and is singing in the choir. It's been wonderful to see him connect with these people, to be part of a community separate from our friends and AFI. I have not joined, obviously, and before yesterday, had only attended services on Easter in April. When Matt decided to become a member of the church, I suddenly found myself in my Mom's position after Grandma Betty died. She passed in a horrible way, thank goodness it was quick. The trauma sent my Dad back to church soon after, where he started attending services more regularly. Mom didn't go often, probably every once in awhile to support him, and certainly when he asked her or was excited to for her to meet particular people. I think really he just wanted to show her off because she was so talented and wonderful. :) But I digress...I went to church yesterday with Matt for the same reason. I wanted to support him, and see/hear him sing again. He gets so much joy and comfort out of this community, there was a bounce in his step yesterday that's been missing for awhile. He and I both know that I won't go every week, but I will go once or twice a month to support him in what he's doing.

I do get something out of church in general, and this is the particular reason why I wanted do this post in the first place. The sermons always seem to speak to me in an incredibly personal way, and I know that's the whole point, but yesterday's sermon was eerily close. Dealing with death, depression, even suicidal thoughts. It was Holy Trinity Sunday, and her sermon was about each person's individual concept of God. It was fascninating. Even more interesting was after the service, when Pastor Sue invited me out to coffee or lunch, which generally she does only with those who are interested in becoming members (which I'm not). I do enjoy her company, however, and would welcome the opportunity to get to know her.

As far as being spiritual goes, I find the best way, for me, personally, is to try to live my life the best way I can. To stay positive, to be a good friend and family member. Being outside on a hike, or on a quiet beach, a sunny drive along the coast, dancing to good music, these are the times that I feel spiritual and connected to the world. I can't explain why or how, but when it happens, it's amazing and I hold onto that feeling for as long as I can.

It's all about perspective

Yesterday was supposed to be a busy day, but instead it turned into one where I didn't want to be alone and needed alcohol to settle my nerves.

On my way to Mary's baby shower, I was *this* close to being in a major accident on the freeway.

White car and I nearly merged into each other going 60mph.

Thank GOD for my heavy car, I guided her back into my lane and she just kept going.

White car suddenly spun around...and then across the left side of the freeway...and then spun all the way over to the other side...and smashed into the retaining wall.

Have you ever seen a car spin around and around on the freeway, surrounded by other cars, thinking "that could be me"? Terrifying. Absolutely. Terrifying.

I stuck around as a witness to the accident, was late to the shower, and thank God I was carpooling with Paige who helped me stay calm and distracted me from my thoughts.

I don't want to discuss any more details because I haven't heard from the nice police officer who said he'd give me a call if white car's driver decides to file a report. He didn't take my insurance information, nor did he issue me a ticket or a warning. Basically, I'm not at fault, and thankfully no one was seriously injured. A visit to the chiropractor and massage therapist is what white car's passengers need.

On my way home from the shower, after dropping Paige off at her apartment, I got back on the freeway and had to merge with the other cars. Suddenly I was 16 again, and feeling overwhelmed and scared of these cars going so fast. I noticed that I was death-gripping the steering wheel, and my entire body was tense.

Paige said I'm in shock, and I know she's right. That car could have so easily been me instead. There's nothing like witnessing something like a car spinning across the freeway twice to give me a little perspective on driving, though I don't think I'll be driving anywhere for a few days.

Back in the swing

It's been an interesting week being back home and getting back into the routine. I've fought it tooth and nail, watching movies and reading books, playing scrabble online, rather than doing what needs to be done...cleaning out closets, vaccuming, going over the budget again...reality is such a kick in the pants sometimes. I think about how much I want to go back to Hawaii, but then if we lived there, our problems would follow us and we'd probably be worse off since it's so expensive there, and it's even harder to find work. So I'm getting back to my positive attitude despite some financial surprises (did I mention how much I despise our car). I have a busy social weekend ahead of me, full of dinners, bbq's, and even a baby shower.

One thing that I realized during the trip, and rang very true after we returned to L.A. was that I don't believe Matt & I are here for the long term. We may be here a few years, maybe more, but this isn't where we belong. I don't feel like this is my "home". I know that if we didn't have such wonderful, supportive friends here, it would have been easier to leave L.A. altogether in February rather than simply moving to Glendale. What I need to continue working on is creating those elements that I miss about other places in my life here. Maybe join a book club, or a hiking group. Re-learn Japanese. Continue healthy habits (eating right and going swimming), keep in touch with friends that I don't get to see that often, and get that passion back for running a bed and breakfast...so much to think about, but I don't have to make these decisions today. I will not anticipate, rather I need to work on taking each day as it comes and being proud of what I've accomplished that day, even if all I did was feed the cats and make the bed.

And with all that, right now I just want to take a nap. Instead I'm off to work!

Aloha from Oahu!

It's been an amzing trip so far and we still have 3 days left. We've been to Waimea Beach, Lanikai beach, dinner at Lucy's in Kailua, and twice we've been to a fantastic little place in Kailua called Boots & Kimo's where they have the most delectable macadamia nut pancakes (Emilie, when you and Matt arrive, you have to make a stop here. It's a must!). I've certainly got a tan, which will require very little work this summer. I've loved nearly every minute with my family and aside from the bickering that ensued yesterday, I realize how lucky we are to be here and together, in this place, this tropical wonder in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I've had some time to reflect on myself and who I've become, and while I've made strides in some areas, there are still some things that I have to do. Who knows what will happen today, tomorrow, or next year? I'm going to continue to work on living in the present and what better place to do that than in Hawaii?

And being 50 yards from Waimanalo Beach doesn't hurt either. :)