A better attitude

I was chatting with a friend online, and mentioned how I was done with 2013 already.  With financial stress, my back issues, and the three of us going round and round with colds and flus...

She responded with "You said the same thing about 2012, too.  There have been some really good things that have happened for you guys already in 2013!"

And you know what?  She's right.  April has been full of surprises, despite my back issues and Wesley's current cold.  It would be inappropriate to share online right now, but it's safe to say some really good things are happening.  And there's lots of potential for even more good things if Matt's next project takes off (more on that when the Kickstarter begins).

So, you want to know how I'm doing?  I'm really good.  Wesley only wakes up a few times a night and, when not sick, goes right back to sleep after a bottle.  He is very opinionated, interested in everything, and is trying to climb the furniture.  He is happy, healthy, and strong willed.  He is the best thing in my life, for sure.

Matt and I are doing well, too.  He surprised me with a date a few weeks ago - came home early, had lined up everything, from the babysitters to dinner and the movie.  It was wonderful to have some time for just us.

While one day of daycare is gone, I still can take Wesley to her house on Mondays, and then my sister comes on Friday afternoons to watch the boy so I can get work done, go to the gym, etc.  This will certainly cut down our childcare expenses!

So yeah, things are good.  Still hard, money is still very much a struggle BUT we have our health.  Our house.  Food on the table, and heat in our house.  Loving family and friends.  Really, we are truly blessed, and I need to remember that when the road of life gets bumpy.

Wesley Pictures

I have our trip to the coast to write about and post pictures, but for now, I leave you with some super cute photos of my cute cute son.  :)

And if you can believe it, he'll be ONE YEAR OLD in just a week and a half!  I'm loving this age.  He's so interactive and responsive.  A little sponge, soaking up the big big world.

Giving Up Facebook - Day 1

I'm not really a religious person, but I decided to challenge myself this year and give up Facebook for Lent.  Hubby changed my passwords and I un-synced (if that's a word) Facebook from my phone.  I've already realized how it's such a part of my life.  Check email and then check Facebook.  I've caught several moments with Wesley, and thought "Oh, I need to take a picture and post it to Facebook!"  Well, I can't, so I find myself enjoying the moment.  Or, I take pictures with our real camera, and I can email them to friends and family and/or post them here.

Already, this decision is forcing me to interact more and more with my son and husband.  No longer do I check my phone incessantly for Facebook updates, or get "caught up" with friends and family.  And by "caught up", I mean there's no conversation.  If I don't comment or "like", there is no guarantee to that person that I've actually taken the time to read what they have to say.  And I don't like that.  I grew up in an age where there was no internet, no Facebook, no cell phones.  We were forced to talk to people, to leave messages (heck, my parents had a party line, people.  I'm totally dated), to visit face to face or on the phone.  I wrote letters, for Pete's sake!!  I want to teach my son that it's OK to interact with people face to face, that there are many ways of communication, not just through the computer.

 I can already tell I'm going to be learning a lot about myself...this just the first day!

Promises to Wesley

In light of the recent tragedy, I'm stealing this idea from a good friend of mine - thank you, Melanie, for the idea.

Dear Wesley,

I promise to love you unconditionally;
I promise to always be here for you, whether you're running to or away from me;
I promise to teach you to love all, be compassionate and thoughtful, to think before you speak;
I promise to do my best to let go, whether it's at your first day of daycare or at your high-school graduation;
I promise to try to not meddle;
I promise to teach you to be responsible, to do your chores and homework, and to take care of others because you want to, not just because you can;
I promise to give you the tools to believe in yourself, that you can be anyone and anything you want;
I promise to teach you the value of being a member of our society, to give back, to be part of being something bigger than yourself;
I promise to make introduce you to different cultures, to surround you with different types of people, music, art, food, to make sure you know that there is a big world out there for you to discover;

And the biggest of all, I promise that I will always see you as my baby boy, and I will take care of you as long as you will let me.  I will love you forever, even after I'm gone and you have a family of your own. 

Love always, forever and ever,
Mommy

Copyright: Alexander Lawrence

 

 

9 Months Old!

Ohmygoodness!

NINE MONTHS OLD!!  How in the world has time gone by so fast?

You are starting to crawl, well, sort of.  It's a combination of pulling yourself on the carpet, military crawling, and rolling.  You're not terribly interested in crawling.  If the object of your desire is too far away, you'll look around for something closer.  You are definitely my kid.  :)

You have some separation anxiety, and there are a few people who you don't really care for, including your god-father, Steve!  I've come to the conclusion that the majority of men in your life don't have beards, but Daddy does.  And so does Steve.  So I think it's not so much that you're scared as you're confused.

You love people, still.  You love to smile, but laughing doesn't come easily.  Until, I found the pop-up book.  With the jumping frog.  And started saying "ribbit" every time it jumped.  Oh, what joy ensued!



You had a doctor's appointment today - 18 pounds and 10 ounces!  The doctor is very pleased with your progress.  Everything looks good, and no shots!

We had a good Thanksgiving, except we forgot your booster/high chair thing, so dinner was a little awkward, as you tried your hardest to grab everything in sight, including dishes and silverware.  Everyone loved you, and you just yummed up all the attention.  

You are STILL not sleeping through the night, but you are an easy baby during the day.  Very patient if we're late with meals, so pleasant when we are out and about.  You just love to observe what's going on.

We had a bit of a rough time, you and I, in November with Daddy being gone on set.  You are so happy he's home, and so am I!

I love you, my sweet sweet boy.  I can't wait for your first Christmas.  It's going to be magical!

Love you lots and lots,
Mommy

Day to Day

It's amazing how one day I can be in a great mood and the next I feel like crap.  Even hour to hour that can happen.  Today is one of those days where I want my old life back.  Really, though I want to get my family on some sort of schedule so that I can know what to expect every day.  But our family doesn't work that way, with Matt's crazy schedule of writing and meetings, and now GenCon.  I never seem to have time to work, and my son is not a napper, nor is he the kind of kid (at least right now) who can play by himself as he gets lonely and bored rather quickly.  I'm just having a frustrating day.  I suppose I'm still dealing with the fact that I am officially in my mid-30's now, and even after having a great birthday weekend, reality is sometimes just a bitch to deal with.

18 weeks!

My dear Wesley,

Goodness, your Mommy doesn't have time to blog these days.  Or if I do, I'd rather watch TV or sleep, because writing requires brain power that I don't have much of these days!

Where do I begin?  The biggest news is that you've rolled over!  Twice!  And I missed it both times!  But that's ok, there are many more "firsts" to witness.  You are starting to grab things, so focused on getting the rings in the right position so they are in just the right place for you to grab on to.  You LOVE to stand up.  Screw sitting, that's for babies!  You are getting better and better at tummy time though you still hate it.  And you are starting to put your knees under your hips to lift your bum, it's pretty cute.

We took you to the doctor last Friday and you weighed in at 14 pounds!  No wonder my arms and back get sore so quickly.  You have such a sweet disposition, always smiling and cooing.  BUT you'll let us know if you're not happy about something.  As long as your basic needs are met - food, dry dipaer, entertainment, standing/sitting - then you are good to go.  People are so impressed with your good nature.  I'd like to think Daddy and I had a little something to do with that.

You are also FINALLY sleeping in your crib on a regular basis!  Just this Sunday, we started putting you down in your crib as you have gotten to be too heavy for your bouncy chair (it started looking a little horizontal when you were in it).  So we put you down, and you sleep for 2 to 4 hours at a stretch. This means no more night shifts for your poor, sleep deprived parents.  This means we can all go to bed at the same time.  And while you still don't have a set bed time, this is a step in the right direction.  And next week we start you on multi-grain cereal!  We're hoping this will keep you a little more full during the night and you won't wake up so often.  You are a growing, growing boy, so very hungry, all of the time! 

You smile so often now.  Whoever goes to get you from your crib in the morning gets big big smiles.  Your cheeks are so big and chubby, and your toothless grin just melts my heart.  You love to smile at whomever isn't holding you.  You kind of giggle, scream, bounce, stare, drool, observe everything that comes across those beautiful blue eyes of yours.  I love watching you and seeing you take in the world, watching your little brain and eyes and ears just processing that same window that's been there your whole life.

I love you my sweet, wonderful Wesley bear.  I can't believe how much you've grown and changed these last few weeks, even just the last few days.  I'm trying to enjoy every moment, even on the days when you drive me crazy and don't sleep.  :)

Love,
Mommy

Growing Growing Growing

Wesley is growing like a weed.  Already in 3 to 6 month pajamas because his legs are too long and feet too big for strictly 3 month pj's.  It's incredible.  And a little frazzling, because suddenly I find myself needing to sort through clothes that were "too big" just a few weeks ago.  Amazing.

I have to save some stuff (like photos) for the 4 month letter, but let me just say that I LOVE this three month phase -- the talking, cooing, recognition -- LOVE LOVE LOVE.  He's suddenly a little boy and quite an opinionated one at that.

I'm doing fine, and so is hubby.  Just tired and busy as usual, discovering a new balance to life.  It leaves little time for just the two of us, but we try to find time when we can.  I'm pretty much full time Mommy while he's writing, producing, auditioning people for the next film, stuff like that.  My work happens during naptime.  The in-laws have been just stellar with helping around the house and babysitting, it's been awesome.  Hubby and I are in for a very rude awakening when they head back to India on Tuesday.  But they'll be back in December for Christmas, and Wesley will be mobile by then, driving us bonkers and entertaining us in new ways.

And lots of hugs and love to three expectant Mamas due next month - Kayla, Annie, and Cindy - you are going to ROCK at mommy-dom!   Love you!!

Relationships

I didn't realize how hard it would be to maintain my friendships, whether they have kids or not.  I didn't know that texting and email would be so much easier.  And I didn't think that my guilt could get so out of control over something so small.

I struggle with guilt often.  I want to be a good person, a good friend, to go above and beyond to be there for friends and family.  And when I fall short, I feel like I've failed.  I feel like suddenly someone is mad at me if I don't get a text or email back right away (which dates back to before mommyhood, when really, they're just as busy, if not more so, than I am).  And I've been falling short a lot these days.  I know it's all in my head.  I know that I'm doing the best I can, that I am a new Mommy and that little Wesley is my main relationship for the next several months.  But I don't want to take advantage of my friends and family...

So I guess, in my own way, this is a public apology for the unanswered emails, phone calls, and text messages.  For canceling or rescheduling at the last minute, sleeping through our get togethers, appearing bleary eyed and exhausted.  I know that you understand, and will tell me not to feel bad, but I do.  I just want you to know how much I appreciate the talks, the emails, the words of support mean so much to me.  The babysitting, the meals, the hand me down clothes...every little thing means the world to me and our little family.

New reality

I was not prepared for this amount of sleep deprivation.  It clearly didn't matter how many people told me, how many articles or books I read.  Holy crap.  Eight hours once in a blue moon is clearly not enough.  My life is a series of naps.  Day blends into night and vice versa.  I'm really thrown now that the days are getting longer.

The hardest part about being a mom, I think, is that I don't always love it.  And when I talk to a new mom who says "Isn't it just the best thing ever?"  I just answered honestly.  "Well, yes, but it's also really hard sometimes."  And she looked at me like I was crazy.  As if by giving that answer means I don't love my kid.  Which is bullshit, because no words can describe how I feel about Wesley.  But don't we all have bad days?  Like today, where child has been up since midnight for the most part, eating every 60 to 90 minutes, sleeping 20 minutes, then repeat?  And you can barely sleep, let alone eat?  I mean, there is absolute truth in the statement "This is the hardest job you will ever love."  No kidding.

What I was not expecting is how isolating motherhood would feel.  And how my friendships would change.  How I would feel like I've lost myself in some respects, and that the old me is gone.  Which is exhausting to think about because I spent 3 or 4 years in counseling after Mom died, and came out a new, confident woman.  And now I'm mommy.  And this is a new part of my personality that I'm not familiar with, that arrived somewhat unexpectedly with Wesley being a preemie.  When I talk to my friends, I start almost every conversation with "I'm all baby, all the time, and that's all I can talk about because that's my life right now."  Most understand.  And I certainly try to go easy on myself.  But it's hard, and I don't even miss my old life because I can't remember life before Wesley.  It all seems so far away.

I know he'll get older.  I know this too shall pass.  I know he'll grow like a weed right before my eyes, and before I'm ready he'll be off to preschool.  I know I need/want to enjoy every single moment.  But at this particular moment, I'd really just like 8 hours of straight sleep every night for a week.

Worries

I met with my midwife yesterday, a follow-up appointment to see how everything is going.  And everything is fine!  She oogled over photos of Wesley, and said we're doing a great job with him.

I asked her several questions about my health so forth, but it was her answer to this one that has just been eating at me:

"If we wanted to have another baby, could I carry it to term?"

"Well, now that you've had a preemie baby, your risk for having another one increases three times.  Once you're ready, we'll have you meet with a high-risk specialist and make a plan."

I should mention here that the topic of having another baby is off the table until next spring.

I suppose it's that phrase "high-risk" that's really eating at me.  I see more high blood pressure and swelling, lots of bedrest (I was on bedrest with Wesley the week prior to his birth), and more stress tests.  It scares me, frankly, but she encouraged me to not freak out because I did manage to get Wesley to 35 weeks.  I guess I need to focus on what I can control now, which is my diet and new exercise plan.  She gave me clearance to start walking and taking yoga classes.  She said that yoga in particular would be really good for me.  There is a community center not far from here, maybe 10 minutes or less, that offers a variety of classes and the gym membership is very decently priced.

So I guess you could say I'm trying to not over-anticipate, and I'm certainly not in any shape, mentally or physically, to go through another pregnancy any time soon.  I'm just worried and trying to shake my mind of what could happen down the road.  I have to keep in mind that I have an amazing opportunity now, to get myself healthy and in better shape so that if we do have another one, I'll be better prepared, and if not, well, I'll be able to fit into my pants better. :)

Mommy Musings

Wesley turned 6 weeks old last Saturday.  I have little room in my brain for more than eat, nap, and baby.  Getting out of the house on my own for more than two hours is utter bliss.  At least tomorrow he gets his shots (which I'm not looking forward to experiencing), which means I'll be more comfortable taking him on walks and into a few more public places.

I suppose the strangest thing, and from the mommies I've talked to, this is quite common, is the loneliness I feel.  And it's not because we're not without support, because people have been amazing.  It's the loneliness as a new mom, wondering if I'm already preparing my kid for future therapy sessions somehow.  I feel such an overwhelming sense of responsibility, that sometimes it's easier to just cry it out than think it out.  I went through a big phase of guilt, because he was premature and because I couldn't (and still can't) make enough milk (thank goodness for formula).  I'm doing all that I can but it's still really hard, and it's the one thing I was supposed to be able to do, quite easily.  But that's gone now.  Usually the breakdowns now only happen when I haven't eaten and/or slept for awhile, so I'm trying to keep myself on a better schedule. 

That's the other thing, taking care of myself is extremely difficult.  I'm supposed to sleep when he sleeps, right?  So where does all that other stuff come in, like eating and bathing, and a little time to myself now and then?  It was really hard a few weeks ago, oh I just had such a difficult time.  Everyone was making demands of me - pump often, take an epsom salts bath every night, sleep, eat, go for a walk, get out of the house, yada yada yada - and I absolutely know this all comes with the best intentions.  But hearing/feeling/thinking all these things at the same time, and add sleep deprivation?  Not a pretty sight.  That's when Matt sends me to bed.

On the upside, Wesley is absolutely thriving.  Last week at the doctor's office he weighed in at 7lb, 13 oz.  He's graduated from preemie clothes (that actually happened awhile ago) to newborn clothes, and is now in Size 1 diapers.  He is eating and sleeping regularly, aside from that "witching hour" that happens around 9 or 10pm (which I hear can be colic, and we'll be asking the doc about that tomorrow).  He has a double chin, and neck rolls.  We've started to hear sneak peaks as to what his laugh will sound like, and his smile takes up half his little face.  His cheeks are totally pudgy, his hair sticks straight up after a bath, and he has got a set of LUNGS, people, lemme tell you.  Singers lungs.  Wonder wear he gets that from?

I know this won't last forever.  I know that in a year, when he's walking or getting ready to, I'll long for the days where I could just cuddle him in my arms.  So I keep myself in check, reminding myself that he can't help how he feels, nor how he chooses to express himself, and it's my job to try out everything to keep him calm and happy.  There is no doubt in my mind that he is a beautiful little boy, and I'm a very lucky woman to be his mommy.

New Mommy Thoughts

- I never imagined that my thoughts would be so consumed with poop and milk.

- Who knew that I could survive for 7 hours on 4 hours of sleep?

- When he smiles, it's the best feeling in the world!

- I had no idea that days could blend together so quickly.  There really is no sense of day or night.  Time is broken up into "When did he last eat?" which is about 2 to 3 hour increments. 

- I am frequently overwhelmed by the amazing and often scary amount of responsibility that comes with such a tiny, fragile human being. 

- How is he almost one month old already?

- Date night tomorrow night!  At a restaurant!  With CLOTH napkins!!

- I can never get enough sleep.  Ever.  I don't think I'll ever really sleep again.  Really.

- I get it now.  I really do.

 Little W loves to be free from swaddling blankets!

Wesley's Arrival - Part 2

The anti-nausea medication makes me a little wonky, so my memory from here on out is a little fuzzy.  The midwife checks me around 3, says she'll come back in another hour to check me again.  For the next hour, I'm in so much pain, and asking Matt every 5 to 10 minutes "Is it 4pm yet?"  I try yoga balls, I try yoga positions, and NOPE.  Not comfortable.  I just want to lean over on the bar in the bathroom to relieve this stupid, annoying, painful back labor.

Finally 4pm rolls around and the midwife checks me.  She says I'm ready for the epidural and gets me ready to be wheeled into the delivery room.  I'm completely out of it from the anti-nausea medication, and the contractions are so intense...as they get me into the wheelchair, and wheel me along to the delivery room, I just have my eyes closed the whole time.  Each contraction is more than I can take, and I'm in so much pain...I can't catch a break.  I'm SO excited for some relief!

I get to the delivery room.  People are coming in and out.  My Dad arrives, so does my Uncle Gregg and Aunt Diane.  Our doula from Spokane is on the way.  Brie is there.  Matt is pacing, getting nervous and excited.  I hear conversations about the anesthesiologist.  I hear the midwife talking about checking me soon, and I hear the nursery nurses getting the bassinet ready. I can't have skin to skin because he's a preemie and they have to check him first.  I hush everyone to please keep their voices down, the noise is overwhelming.  And the contractions just keep happening faster and faster.

She checks me, finally.  And I'm too far for the epidural.  So far, in fact, that, I'm...um, well I'm ready.  Within an hour I had gone from epidural time to "go time".  The midwife tells me I'm going to have to do this without drugs.

I manage to squeak out "WHAT?"

The men clear the room, aside from Matt.  He's on my left, Diane on my right.

This scream comes out of me, something so primal.  I've not heard it before.  It hurts, I'm tired, just get it OUT already!

And then, three pushes later, at 5:15pm, my son is born.  He's not crying at first, but he does quickly, and the nurses tend to him after Matt cuts the cord.  He has a huge cone head, and his little nose is squished so far over, but he's amazing and wonderful, and I can't wait to hold him.  But I have to stop shivering first.

I recover.  We go to a recovery room, and spend the next two nights saying "...a week ago we were at a baby shower..."

And here we are, today...Wesley is 16 days old.  He has gained so much weight, an ounce a day!   (At birth he was 4 pounds, 15 ounces and this last Friday he was 4 pounds, 14 ounces.  I bet he's 5 pounds by now!)  He's starting to get jowls, and his cheeks are getting chubby.  I can see his dimples, and his belly is rounding out.  He has most beautiful, soulful eyes, and a smile that just melts my heart. 

Wesley's Arrival - Part 1

So as most of you know, the week before Wesley was born, I was put on bed rest.  My sister came down towards the end of the week to cook me some food, do some laundry, and generally keep me company (and had the difficult task of keeping me off of my feet).  Saturday, March 3, she headed back to Seattle with Matt, who had a JourneyQuest meeting.  He'd be back in a few hours.  As they left, they barked at me to stay off my feet and get some sleep.

I was looking forward to having some time to myself, actually.  I was going to watch some stuff on Netflix/Hulu, catch-up on my thank-you notes, take a nap, etc.  But first, I needed to shower.

I bathe.  I get out.  I look at my belly in the mirror and grin.  I look down, and say "I can't wait to meet you."

Famous last words.

As if out of a movie, liquid comes gushing out of me.  RIGHT AFTER I GOT OUT OF THE SHOWER.  Ahem.  But I'll just skip the gruesome parts, and say that I called Matt, told him to come home NOW, and then called my midwife.  She wasn't concerned, but thought we should go to the hospital just to be on the safe side.  She was sure it wasn't amniotic fluid because I was only 35 weeks pregnant.

Matt comes home.  We pack a small bag, as I'm convinced I'm NOT in labor because I feel fine.  No contractions, no discomfort.  And we head to the hospital.  We checked in around 11:30am.  We get up to the Labor and Delivery part of the hosptial and there are 2 pregnant women ahead of me, clearly in labor.  Squeezing their faces in pain, grimacing, actually.  And I whisper to Matt, "That's not me.  I'm not in pain.  I'm fine."

Again, famous last words.

We check into a room, I get into the *not so glamarous* hospital gown, and wait.  The nurse says that they are going to check and make sure that the fluid isn''t amniotic, and if it is, then they'll have me stay in the hospital for a few weeks to let the baby "cook" a bit longer and get me on anti-biotics.  Ooo, sounds fun.  Not.  And of course, in the back of my mind, I think, "Oh GREAT.  A giant hospital bill. Just what we need."  Of course, I'm strapped onto monitors, one to hear the baby's heartbeat, and one to see if I'm having contractions.  Which, for the moment, I'm not.

Now this is where I start to lose my sense of time.  Let's just say that I start feeling some discomfort.  And it's happening again and again.  And before I know it, I'm in labor.  I'm not able to labor in water, because they're worried about my risk for infection.  Matt has to ask if I can labor out of bed because I'm having back labor (which thank GOD, they let me out of bed - back labor SUCKS).  I puke, I cry, and Matt is right there by my side.  The midwife comes in, says that based on my sudden contractions, we're having this baby today, and they're going to put me on an epidural (probably because of my high blood pressure but I honestly can't remember) when I hit a certain number, and I'm like "Great.  Sign me up."

So they check me around 3, I think, and say I probably have another few hours before the epidural can be administered.  But they do give me some anti-nausea medication so that I'm not horking all the time.

And with that, I need to go get some food before our little tree frog wakes up and makes his demands known.  This little boy is such a wonderful treasure.  I can't remember my life before he was born.  I'm relishing every moment.

Baby Wesley!

Baby Wesley made an early arrival.  As in, a month early!  My water broke around 10am on March 3, and he was born at 5:15 that evening.  There's a very detailed, interesting story, and it all started with me getting out of the shower, looking down at my belly and saying "I can't wait to meet you!"

WHOOSH.  Water broke.  Not kidding!  It was like something out of a movie.

But I am too tired/overwhelmed/in love with our little boy and our new life as parents, so you'll just have to settle for some photos.  :)

Born 3/3/12
5:15pm
4lbs, 15 oz
17.5 inches long

We took him in to the pediatrician today and he's already gained back .8 of an ounce and grown about half an inch!