Giving Up Facebook - Day 1

I'm not really a religious person, but I decided to challenge myself this year and give up Facebook for Lent.  Hubby changed my passwords and I un-synced (if that's a word) Facebook from my phone.  I've already realized how it's such a part of my life.  Check email and then check Facebook.  I've caught several moments with Wesley, and thought "Oh, I need to take a picture and post it to Facebook!"  Well, I can't, so I find myself enjoying the moment.  Or, I take pictures with our real camera, and I can email them to friends and family and/or post them here.

Already, this decision is forcing me to interact more and more with my son and husband.  No longer do I check my phone incessantly for Facebook updates, or get "caught up" with friends and family.  And by "caught up", I mean there's no conversation.  If I don't comment or "like", there is no guarantee to that person that I've actually taken the time to read what they have to say.  And I don't like that.  I grew up in an age where there was no internet, no Facebook, no cell phones.  We were forced to talk to people, to leave messages (heck, my parents had a party line, people.  I'm totally dated), to visit face to face or on the phone.  I wrote letters, for Pete's sake!!  I want to teach my son that it's OK to interact with people face to face, that there are many ways of communication, not just through the computer.

 I can already tell I'm going to be learning a lot about myself...this just the first day!

Relationships

I didn't realize how hard it would be to maintain my friendships, whether they have kids or not.  I didn't know that texting and email would be so much easier.  And I didn't think that my guilt could get so out of control over something so small.

I struggle with guilt often.  I want to be a good person, a good friend, to go above and beyond to be there for friends and family.  And when I fall short, I feel like I've failed.  I feel like suddenly someone is mad at me if I don't get a text or email back right away (which dates back to before mommyhood, when really, they're just as busy, if not more so, than I am).  And I've been falling short a lot these days.  I know it's all in my head.  I know that I'm doing the best I can, that I am a new Mommy and that little Wesley is my main relationship for the next several months.  But I don't want to take advantage of my friends and family...

So I guess, in my own way, this is a public apology for the unanswered emails, phone calls, and text messages.  For canceling or rescheduling at the last minute, sleeping through our get togethers, appearing bleary eyed and exhausted.  I know that you understand, and will tell me not to feel bad, but I do.  I just want you to know how much I appreciate the talks, the emails, the words of support mean so much to me.  The babysitting, the meals, the hand me down clothes...every little thing means the world to me and our little family.

New reality

I was not prepared for this amount of sleep deprivation.  It clearly didn't matter how many people told me, how many articles or books I read.  Holy crap.  Eight hours once in a blue moon is clearly not enough.  My life is a series of naps.  Day blends into night and vice versa.  I'm really thrown now that the days are getting longer.

The hardest part about being a mom, I think, is that I don't always love it.  And when I talk to a new mom who says "Isn't it just the best thing ever?"  I just answered honestly.  "Well, yes, but it's also really hard sometimes."  And she looked at me like I was crazy.  As if by giving that answer means I don't love my kid.  Which is bullshit, because no words can describe how I feel about Wesley.  But don't we all have bad days?  Like today, where child has been up since midnight for the most part, eating every 60 to 90 minutes, sleeping 20 minutes, then repeat?  And you can barely sleep, let alone eat?  I mean, there is absolute truth in the statement "This is the hardest job you will ever love."  No kidding.

What I was not expecting is how isolating motherhood would feel.  And how my friendships would change.  How I would feel like I've lost myself in some respects, and that the old me is gone.  Which is exhausting to think about because I spent 3 or 4 years in counseling after Mom died, and came out a new, confident woman.  And now I'm mommy.  And this is a new part of my personality that I'm not familiar with, that arrived somewhat unexpectedly with Wesley being a preemie.  When I talk to my friends, I start almost every conversation with "I'm all baby, all the time, and that's all I can talk about because that's my life right now."  Most understand.  And I certainly try to go easy on myself.  But it's hard, and I don't even miss my old life because I can't remember life before Wesley.  It all seems so far away.

I know he'll get older.  I know this too shall pass.  I know he'll grow like a weed right before my eyes, and before I'm ready he'll be off to preschool.  I know I need/want to enjoy every single moment.  But at this particular moment, I'd really just like 8 hours of straight sleep every night for a week.

Worries

I met with my midwife yesterday, a follow-up appointment to see how everything is going.  And everything is fine!  She oogled over photos of Wesley, and said we're doing a great job with him.

I asked her several questions about my health so forth, but it was her answer to this one that has just been eating at me:

"If we wanted to have another baby, could I carry it to term?"

"Well, now that you've had a preemie baby, your risk for having another one increases three times.  Once you're ready, we'll have you meet with a high-risk specialist and make a plan."

I should mention here that the topic of having another baby is off the table until next spring.

I suppose it's that phrase "high-risk" that's really eating at me.  I see more high blood pressure and swelling, lots of bedrest (I was on bedrest with Wesley the week prior to his birth), and more stress tests.  It scares me, frankly, but she encouraged me to not freak out because I did manage to get Wesley to 35 weeks.  I guess I need to focus on what I can control now, which is my diet and new exercise plan.  She gave me clearance to start walking and taking yoga classes.  She said that yoga in particular would be really good for me.  There is a community center not far from here, maybe 10 minutes or less, that offers a variety of classes and the gym membership is very decently priced.

So I guess you could say I'm trying to not over-anticipate, and I'm certainly not in any shape, mentally or physically, to go through another pregnancy any time soon.  I'm just worried and trying to shake my mind of what could happen down the road.  I have to keep in mind that I have an amazing opportunity now, to get myself healthy and in better shape so that if we do have another one, I'll be better prepared, and if not, well, I'll be able to fit into my pants better. :)

Prayers, Loving Thoughts Needed

I'm fine. Baby is fine. Matt is great. All is well in our house.

But someone I know isn't, and I don't even have any details, just a couple of mysterious Facebook updates from some mutual friends. Most of you know that I don't really talk about my religious/spiritual beliefs. I don't really pray. At all. Tonight I am making an exception and praying as much as I can. Please, send loving thoughts/prayers/healing wishes, whatever you can to my friend and her family. I can't give names because it's not my news to share, but I am worried sick and freaking out. And all I can do is...pray.

700

Wow. Blog entry #700. When I first started this blog, it was May of 2005 and we were on our way to Los Angeles. I had no idea what crazy adventures awaited us, and I had panic attacks in the middle of the night because I was so excited, and so terrified. Here we are, five years later, and life has taken us on paths we never expected. But I wouldn't be who I am now without those experiences, and I'm grateful for most of them.

I never imagined that when we moved back to the Pacific Northwest that I'd be doing two plays back to back. I hadn't been on stage in five years, and now I've got my first lead role, ever, and it's in a Shakespeare Play. The experience of this role has been intense to say the least. I'm exhausted, emotionally spent, and have time for little else. But now the show is winding down. We have just two weekends left. And I'm finding myself incredibly sad that I won't get to see these wonderful people every day, only on the weekends. I have had a strong feeling of loneliness untill I started rehearsals/shows, and now that things are winding down, it's back in full force. It probably has something to do with the holiday season approaching, and all that Mom stuff is trying to bubble up. I'm really trying to not let it get to me, but there's only so much I can do. Sometimes it's hard to hold the tears back because I just feel so much better after a good cry. And maybe that's what I need to do. To just let go. Maybe I'm just going through an adjustment period that is going to last longer than a few months. Who knows? I am working on taking all of this day by day. I don't like feeling lonely and sad because I know that I have a wonderful supportive network. I just haven't had the chance to really reach out, I've been too reliant on these productions to fill the void, which isn't really a good thing because it's only a temporary fix.

Ok, moving on...

What I do have to look forward to is having my weekends back! I have so many friends that I want to see because I've missed you guys, and Matt and I have a house that really needs some TLC. We have boxes to put away, a garage to clean out, and some rooms that need to be painted. Rooms need to be cleaned, gutters need to be de-leaved, and the fridge could probably use a good scrub-down. Thanksgiving is fast approaching, and if we are indeed going to host this year, then we have quite a bit of work to do!

Here are some pictures from Sherlock Holmes: The Doom of Devilsmoor. Enjoy!

Last weekend was opening weekend and it was amazing. It felt so good to be on stage again, and the comradary amongst the actors and crew was incredible. Saturday I delivered my best performance yet, thanks to an earlier melt-down in which I had to brace myself to stop crying. I saved the rest of the misery for the show, and whammo. Just nailed it. I felt better. Or so I thought.

Sunday I woke up tired. My voice was groggy. I slept in as much as I could and then headed off to the theater. I still felt sad. And I couldn't place it. So I tried to use it again for the show, but it felt small and, well, like acting.

Today it's muggy. And raining. Gray and cloudy. My mood hasn't shifted. And I've been feeling many things. Saturday I cried because I just randomly missed Mom. Sunday I was sad because opening weekend was done. And today? I thought it might be the shift in weather. That I miss the sun, that I miss the beach, and my favorite restaurants. And then it hit me. I really miss Los Angeles.

Maybe I don't miss the city persay. I don't miss the nasty air, and the clogged traffic. I don't miss the feeling that I'm fat and whalish because I'm not tall or a size 4. I don't miss the noise, the crowds, the traffic. But I miss my friends. I really miss my friends. I am lonely. And while I love my husband, and enjoy spending our time together, especially on the way to and from work every weekday, I miss being social on a regular basis. I miss potlucks and guitar hero. I miss movies, and drinks, and crepes, swimming in an outdoor pool, random barbeques, wine country adventures, and all the other things Los Angeles had to offer. I realize that I've not been available to do these things. I know my life has changed. (Not to mention rehearsals 5 or more days per week for the last six weeks.) And I know my friends here in Tacoma/Seattle have their own lives, and plans. I get that, I really do. But I just feel lonely. Am I not reaching out enough? Probably. I guess what I need to do is figure out how my California self is going to fit in to the Washington lifestyle. Into this new life that I am building for myself and with my hubby.

But first, I'm going to be sad about not being in California. Just for a little while. It's strange, it feels like homesickness.

Werking Gyrl

Seriously. I am now working for da family business. I am back in the land of nine to five. Really, it's more like 7:30 to 3:30 thanks to Matt's working hours. Matt's office is 3 miles from mine, so we get to take the carpool lane which is such a saving grace! We take turns driving in the afternoon but he drives in the morning. If I don't sleep well, he graciously drives and let's me take a quick nap on the way to and from work.

I have hit the ground running at work. Literally jumping in with both feet and seeing what happens. As most of you know, I am managing the website for my dad's company, and they are really far behind. As most of you also know, my major in college was theater. And I have zero to little experience with this. I am just asking questions, making phone calls, and figuring out where we are at. They hired someone to build an online store 2 years ago, and nothing has happend in those 2 years, so we are also a little time crunched, and might I say, desperate? In this economy, online sales are hugely helpful. Plus, once this gets off the ground, maybe I'll be just one of the peeps rather than the bosses daughter.

In any case, I am enjoying my job. I do like being in an office. I'm not as distracted and it's kind of cute to see how proud my dad is to have me here. I have missed the sarcastic humor at work, and unlike 5 years ago, I can now fire back with my own observations and remarks. I'm no longer a sensitive 20 something. I am a self-assured woman who can handle her own.

Speaking of which, I really should go back to work. Spreadsheets are calling my name. Joy of joys!

Reflections

In times of reflection, where I think about where I've been and how much I've changed, I tend to get pretty wistful. Especially on days like today, where we celebreate mothers world-wide and while I am continually amazed and grateful that I had such a wonderful mother, and that I am surrounded by amazing mothers, friends and family alike, I can't help but feel, sometimes, that I got cheated, that our family was robbed. I don't stay there very long, but every once in awhile, it just hurts. Instead of pushing it away like I used to do, I deal with it for 5 minutes and move on, figuring that one meltdown is better than five (mother's day last year, anyone?). I also take this opportunity to celebrate my mom, who was an incredible woman and I was very lucky (and still am) to have her as my parent, as my guiding force in life.

I'm reflecting too, on the big changes ahead. We are gearing up to move back to Washington State, where we'll be first time home-owners, and with that comes more (albeit new and kind of scary) responsibilities. Something goes wrong? Breaks? We must fix it! Yardwork? We've it cut out for us. But I'm SO EXCITED to explore a new city, to strengthen new relationships, to start a new chapter in my life. To start auditioning again, to explore my home-state as a grown up, to live my life in a new way. I feel like I've taken California for granted, in a way, and become stagnant. I don't intend for that to happen as often up in Tacoma, except on bad days. And they'll happen, hopefully just not as frequently. Because I'll have a new house to slowly decorate and keep me busy (cleaning it will take longer, I imagine). And a commute. To Redmond. Blech. Anyone for carpooling?

I'd like to imagine, too, that moving to Washington will get me off my lazy bum and inspire me to exercise with friends by going for beautiful walks and exploring Dash Point State Park which is fairly close to my new home. I'll have a living room and a rec room, both with their own TV's (and fireplaces) to stretch out in should I want to do yoga at home. There's a few bikram studios nearby, and a lovely suburban neighborhood to explore. And if all else fails, there's the gym. But I'm hoping I will be able to avoid a monthly fee and figure out a routine that's adventurous and satisfying.

And let me just tell you that I'm THRILLED with our new kitchen! I plan on many more culinary adventures, and hope to have a grill fairly quickly after moving in so that we will have another avenue for cooking. And I'm thinking that in August we'll have a house-warming party tied in with my birthday. An end-of-summer bash. With a bbq. And maybe I'll have that firepit going in the backyard? You know me. I like hosting. So come on over for dinner, just let me know when you're on your way so I can set an extra place for you!

I'd like to end this with one of my favorite pictures of me and mom from when I was a kid:

Love you mom. I miss you every day. Thanks for everything, and continuing to help guide me from afar. xoxo

I should just avoid the news...good or bad...

Please make the news stop. Just for a day. I can't take it anymore. Good or bad, my cup is full and I would like a few days to simply process what life has passed my way since Saturday. I'm moody, hubby is emotionally drained, and I am struggling to keep a positive attitude. It doesn't help that the majority of my support system is all up North right now, and it's all I can do to keep from crying at the drop of a hat.

Really, I just need to avoid Facebook for a few days, stop checking the papers, and maybe go see AVATAR or ALICE IN WONDERLAND to get out of my head. I've seen AVATAR before, don't worry, I just want to see it again to see all the stuff I missed. Maybe I'll go see it tomorrow. I have enough points at the Arclight for a free ticket.

Anyway, I've thankfully forced myself to exercise twice this week, and tomorrow is my final day at bootcamp (We just can't afford the expense right now). I can't imagine how I'd be doing if I hadn't worked out.

Slight Crisis Mode

I'm fine. Really, in the grand scheme of things, I'm fine. There's still money in the bank account, I have food in the kitchen, and I have a roof over my head. I'm healthy, have a great husband and friends, everything is ok.

Seems to be everyone else that's having troubles, and I can't help. I can only be there for them on the phone, listen and support from afar. Which is hard, because I just want to wrap my arms around them and give them a huge hug. I have to have faith that everything will work out, one way or the other.

I'm proud of myself, though, in a way, for not taking on other people's problems. I can only do what I can do, it is their life to live, and if all I can do is listen, well hey, that's good enough sometimes. Sometimes that's all that's needed. I used to try to fix everything, but now, I just let it slide and work on the mantra "what will be, will be, and that's ok." It's not easy, but it is calming and reassuring.

In other news, GOOD NEWS, the company I work for in West Hollywood had a movie that won best documentary last night! Yay!

Keeping it together

I don't know where that strong woman went, but now I seem to be this emotional little girl this morning, struggling to keep myself in check. I dropped Matt off at the airport this morning, and even though I am going to get to see him in just 9 days, it feels like I won't see him for six whole weeks. I feel alone, and overly emotional. Thank god for a part-time job, the church book-club, and activities to do later in the week. Otherwise I'd probably spend my time curled up in bed with tissues all over and hungry cats meowing incessantly.

Focus...breathe...I'm going to be FINE.

Where is this coming from??!!

*Deep Breath*

Really, I'm going to be fine, just fine. I know it.

Late night thoughts

I can't believe it's 2010 already. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty happy to see 2009 leave. I love how I feel at the start of a new-year: hopeful, happy, energized, and goal-oriented. It won't last more than a few weeks I'm guessing, as that's the norm, but that's ok. I know that lots of changes are ahead this year, and I'm super excited to see when they happen.

Naturally, the first big change is that we're working with a realtor up North to buy a house in Tacoma, WA. It's a huge decision, prompted mostly by us wanting to return to our roots. We also have the opportunity to contribute more financially if we move up there, never mind that we'll be closer to our family and friends. We won't be building air miles so frequently, but that's ok. We have dear friends in L.A. that we will miss terribly and need to visit. It's good that we still have some left, though, as my in-laws are living in Turkey and we'll need to visit them at some point. Darn! I'm also excited about being closer to family around the holidays. We just never seem to have enough time when going up to Seattle/Tacoma for just 1 week. People always get left out, and while they are kind and say they understand, it's tough to be so far away from so many that we love. But that doesn't mean that leaving L.A. will be easy. Oh no. We thought we'd be moving in February but unless we find that perfect house and perfect loan (ha), we will more than likely be moving in April or May (March is out since Matt will be filming). That gives me a little more time to visit the beach a few more times, go on a couple of hikes, and most importantly, enjoy what I do love about L.A. - year-round farmer's markets, 70 degrees in January, beautiful beaches, funky bars, good food, wine country, and most importantly, our friends.

Over our trip, I got to talking with my sister (who just turned 20 in December) and her friend about being in the 30's versus being in the 20's. I explained that for me, and many of my friends, that being in the 30's isn't as bad as it seems - rather, I prefer this age than my 20's. I seem to be so much more at peace with myself, more honest and carefree, less inclined to give a crap as to what others think. There is so much freedom in that frame of mind! The 20's were so chaotic, it was hard to figure myself out. And while I'll spend the rest of my life figuring myself out, because let's face it. life is what happens while you're making plans, at this point in my life, I'm quite pleased with where I'm at.

Happy 2010 to all!

Confused

August is always a tough month for me. It's full of birthdays and celebration of life, but always seems to be overshadowed by another event. And it's why I haven't blogged much lately. I'm confused by my thoughts and feelings, trying to sort them out, but I get frustrated and stop.

Last Saturday was so much fun. We met up with a bunch of friends at Malibu Family Wines, drank excellent wine and ate good food. The company was fabulous and the after-party was equally entertaining. Rock Band at the Early's, what could be better?

I bring this up because my friend Dave asked me what was on my mind and I said, without missing a beat, "My Mom". And he looked surprised, and Katy, who was standing next to me, put her hand on my back in a soothing manner, and I continued with "I'm not sad, I just miss her." And that's just it. I am missing her every single day. I think of her all the time. Sometimes with anger and sadness because she was taken away too soon, but sometimes with happiness and awe, that I got to have her as my Mom, I was that lucky to have her in my life in such an amazing way.

I get tired of talking about it. I am sure that people sometimes get tired of hearing or reading about it. But I'm also getting pretty good at reading people, and can tell very quickly if they don't want to hear about it, so I quickly change the subject. I'm not offended, sometimes they are tired of the subject and/or fret because they don't know what to say. And that's alright. This is ultimately my own journey through grief and it's up to me to figure it out. I am so incredibly grateful for my amazing support of friends and family. I don't know where I'd be without you guys.

I've been reading old blog posts from 2006 and 2007 to help dig up old memories about the experience for this essay that I'm writing. First prices is three grand and two round-trip-tickets to NYC plus lunch with the magazine editors. I doubt I'll win, but why not try? Maybe this is what I need to do to move on with my grieving process. I feel stuck and I don't like it. But at least I can open that recipe box now without bursting into tears.

It's that time of year...

...and so the battle with depression begins.

The signs are always the same. Lack of energy, always wanting to sleep, not wanting to do anything, but feel lonely because I'm NOT doing anything. (Matt's not home until Monday, so it's really quiet around here.)

Three years ago yesterday I flew up to Seattle to help take care of Mom and within three weeks she was gone. The shock of her in a wheelchair, unable to use even a walker, and her voice and surprise as she saw me in the living room that day...images are continually flooding my memory and I struggle to not cry throughout the day.

Every year, I always hope that I'll feel better around the end of July, that it won't be so bad, but it just is, and I have to just let the feelings wash over me while still living my life, and it's not easy. This is my grieving process and no matter what anyone says, no matter how many times I hear the words "You have to get over this", for me, it's easier said than done. Grief is a process and some days, some months, even some years are better than others.

It sucks. It just plain old SUCKS.

Today I broke down at work, not expecting too...poor Katy just asked me how I was doing and I launched in as the big alligator tears came spilling out. Crying is bad enough, but at work or in public just feels so embarrassing. She kidnapped me to lunch and I felt better after a hearty lunch with a side of root beer. But by the time I got home, I was feeling sad and sleepy again, so I ate and took a nap. I'm going out dancing with Katy tonight, even though my brain is fighting me. It wants another pity party. But I'm refusing.

It's complicated.

It's just that time of year.

Moving Up & Moving On

No, we aren't moving again, at least not anytime soon. But I hope to whoever is in charge that this is our last apartment. Not that I don't love it, but I would love to have a house/condo/townhouse be our next home, whether we're renting our buying.

I was just thinking about some friends of mine that have moved and others who are planning to move. Gayvin and Eric (and of course their son) moved to a very small town in Northern California, about 1.5 hours away from the Oregon border. Another good friend of mine, Paige A., got a job in New York City, so she's moving away this summer. A few of my other friends talk about leaving L.A. not because they don't like it here, but because the opportunities that were once available have left this city and they can't make things work. Matt and I definitely talk about leaving, going somewhere cheaper where he could have an easier time finding work (with 11% unemployment, trying to find a job in California is like trying to find a needle in a haystack - nearly impossible). However, moving never solves problems, it can actually add to the ones you already have. So I think our ultimate challege, for right now, is to stay here for as long as we can. I encourage Matt to look beyond L.A. and California for other opportunities and that if he finds work that's worth moving for, well, we can cross that bridge when we come to it. But I'm not going to plan on a "what-if" kind of future...I'm going to plan for the future that's happening tomorrow.

So to those of you who have left - I miss you...

To those of you who are leaving soon - Let's get together as much as we can before you go, and I'll miss you...

To those of you (and to myself) who are thinking of leaving - You have to do what's best for your life, what will get you where you need and want to go.

We all need to support each other in this incredibly amazing (and sometimes stressful) time in our lives. So go team! Move up, move on, and continue the journey.

What a day...

Nothing that $3.00 margaritas can't fix! :) Woohoo!

Well, it's a temporary fix. Matt is having a tough time in Washington and he got some bad news today. Until he shares it on his blog, or with others, it's really not my place to say on the Internet but it's safe to say that eventually, we'll be back for a funeral. I miss him terribly and wish he was coming home soon. But I'll stay tough and get through the next week because that's what I do. It's amazing when you realize your own strength. Friends help. :)

It seems that everyone is having a tough time these days. Emotions are running high, stress is rampant, and so many of my dear friends are out of work and finances are just...UGH...(need I say more?) So it's with that in mind that I'm attending church with my friend Cindy on Easter Sunday. I'm not religious, but I do consider myself spiritual, and maybe going to a place of worship with a good friend is what my spirit needs to get re-focused and re-centered.

By Myself

Matt is in Seattle/Tacoma for the next few weeks helping out his family.

It's a strange feeling being the one holding down the fort. For the past few years, it's been me that leaves to help out and leave him here, at home. It's a strange role reversal and suddenly it occur ed to me is how he must have felt when I was gone in Seattle for 2 months, helping Dad and Katie adjust after Mom died. How frustrated and lonely this position is, how I just want to keep myself busy and entertained, exhaust myself so it's easier to sleep at night.

He and I talked the other night and he mentioned what a strange marriage we've had. So much time apart and yet we always make it work. Our relationship certainly isn't conventional, that's for sure, but then what relationship is? Each one has a unique connection and quirks that make it tick, that make us want more from ourselves and the other person involved. These last few weeks I've certainly come to appreciate and count on friends that I'd lost that connection with. Or maybe lost is the wrong term...that connection had just been resting.

I know that famous quote "distance makes the heart grow fonder". But it's dangerous to like having the bed all to myself so I can sleep in the middle of it. It's not OK to get used to doing things my way all the time. It is difficult when the other person comes back and suddenly the old routine is back. It was really hard when I came back from those 2 months away, and emotionally I was completely spent. I imagine it will be the same for him, and the adjustment will be different because the circumstances are different. Marriage is about being together, no matter what. I never thought mine would have so much travel back and forth involved, especially by ourselves. But again, we always seem to make it work. And when the 16th rolls around and I get to see him again, this will all be worth it.

(I love you, babe. I'll be in Seattle soon. Hang in there, you're stronger than you think. :) Don't worry, I'm staying busy and I'm OK.)

Survival Mode

I have many reasons to be in this mode, most of which for what my husband is going through right now with his family. My mother gave me some wise advice when I got married - "Protect your in-laws." And that's what I'll do, but it's safe to say that I'm worried for Matt and his family. I'm not sure what will happen, I have never been in this situation before. Matt is in Seattle now, and I can only support him in what he chooses to do from here on out. If you pray, please pray for his family. If you send loving/supportive thoughts/energy, please do so. I'm worried.

As for me, I'm in survival mode for other things too. Personal things that are slowly being uncovered and I don't want to get into on the internets. I am still mad, still angry, still pissy and moody. Not a pleasant person to be around these days. I'm easily distracted and just want to escape. I think Cindy said it best in a blog post a few months ago - "I just don't feel like being responsible today." Except instead of one day, it's been many days and I need to keep going, to keep living.

I wish I could say more, but really I just wanted to get this out in the open, where I'm at and where I stand. I thoguht I'd get out of this mode in a few days but I think it will be a few weeks, maybe a month or more. I just have to ride this wave and see where it goes.

P.S. We did have some fun last night, thank goodness!

Momentary Financial Panic

About once a month, I go through a momentary panic where I truly believe we're going to run out of money tomorrow, that no raises are coming, investors and managers won't sign Matt, movies won't get made and we'll be left in the dust, broke and heartbroken.

Yes, I'm being dramatic, but at midnight that's about the best I can do.

I worry that we'll have to move back to Seattle. I worry that we'll have to move in with my Dad or his folks and be reliant on others rather than ourselves. I worry that we'll never not be broke, that we'll never stop living paycheck to paycheck. I worry that I'll never stop worrying and yet I'm always hoping that maybe next month, maybe next year, things will be better.

I've been talking about how confident I am about our financial situation but the truth is I'm terrified. Really and truly. I don't know what's going to happen in the next few years. We want a house of our own, and a child. But there's this giant black cloud of graudate student loans in deferement that seems like it will never be paid off. Our monthly bills aren't completely covered, even though we have cut costs significantly. More than significantly. I guess I shouldn't have bought that domain for my new website. And I didn't really need red flats. Shouldn't have gone to Disneyland today (even though we got in for free). See how I make myself feel better? Ugh.

I have to get creative. I have to be confident in the (occasional) fun (on sale/clearance) purchases I do make while sticking to a strict budget. We have to cut our grocery bill even more, and look into buying bottled water rather than continuing with the water delievery service. We've already cut cable and his health insurance payments went down.

I don't meant to whine, but this is definitely a sign of the times. I want to look back on this time in our lives and be proud of the decisions and choices we made rather than thinking What the eff did we DO?