I have been having some thoughts lately, some good, some bad, and I'm not sure what to do with them.
First thought is my resolution to talk less and listen more...I don't know if it's working. Each time I catch myself yapping, I wonder if I'm talking selfishly or about a topic that is of interest to people? Frankly, mostly what I talk about seems to be negative, and I don't want want to be a negative person. It's mostly frustration with some people in my life, and trying to figure out how to best approach them next time I feel frustrated. But most of the things that do urk me tend to be little things, then the little things build and then I just explode. That's not healthy. So it's up to me to find ways to let this out, and I think surrournding myself with positive people, continuing to search for new job opportunities (I have an interview on Tuesday, we'll see what happens), enjoying the moment, and developing a realistic exercise plan will be highly effective in my "personality makeover" for 2008.
Second thought is how much I want my own business. For many of you, this is the first you've heard of it, but Matt has known for years how much I would love to run a bed and breakfast. I love to host, and I've been told I come alive when I have a group of people at my home. For Christmas, Matt got me a couple of books on running a B&B, and so far, it hasn't scared me off. In fact, it's just gotten me more motivated to develop a rough business plan.
There's a phrase that really gets to me - "It's not personal, it's business." To me, business is personal. You don't have to be buddy buddy with everyone but you can be professional and respectful. And that's what I have been missing in my last few jobs. So for the new year, I made a resolution in my current workplace - I have been working on my attitude. Being more friendly but professional, curt but nice, and it seems to be working. People are responding and in a positive way, which makes me want to continue to improve.
I know the kind of person I want to be but still be myself. I am making my way through my grief and I need to remember that this is a day-to-day process.
5 comments:
I love your idea of a personality makeover. Your thoughts reflect some very wise and mature self reflection. Changing one's thought patterns are never easy. But I truly believe it can be done and I'm proud of the work you are doing to choose to become a healthier minded, happier, and more fulfilled person.
Also, I would love to go for walks and hikes with you as would the dogs. And if for some reason I am ever not available and up for it you are always welcome to come by and borrow one or both of the dogs for a nice long walk around the neighborhood. So I have wanted to try out this Paramount Ranch Place forever. What do you say we finally put a plan into action? What say you about a Saturday morning trip? We could bring the dogs and maybe even pack a picnic lunch. I know it is a shorter lower level hike so it would be a good starter hike for us. Plus, there is lots of awesome scenery for your new digital camera!
It's such a challenging thing, changing yourself, and having expectations doesn't make it any easier. But I think I know exactly how you feel. I have this image in my head of this wonderful, positive person that I could be - someone who everyone loves and feels happy around. I want to be this person, but I've found some ways to compromise between expecting myself to change and loving myself for who I am. And part of that is surrounging myself with people who love me for who I am.
And so you know, you don't ever have to worry about what you talk about or how long or anything when we talk. And I do love you just the way you are.
=)
Here's what Gretchen Rubin has to say about avoiding being a bore: http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2007/10/this-wednesda-3.html
Here's what I have to say about "It's not personal, it's business": that is never true. It may be a fact, but it's never true. Any interaction with people is irreducibly personal. That phrase is used either in ignorance/incompetence or as a salve to absolve oneself of responsibility for perpetrating acts of neglectful or intentional cruelty under the auspice of work. "It's not personal, it's business” is a fundamentally unethical way to go about business.
Ben and Breakfast sounds like fun. I encourage you to go for it...and don't let anyone tell you that you can't do it because here in L.A. it seems like everyone wants to tell you that you can't do something or that it's sooo hard. Fuck 'em-do what you wanna do. I guess the tough part is the start-up but you will find a way. I have faith in you.
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