It's been quite a month! (Part 2)

Hubby and I waiting for U2 to get on stage! You can see the concert here.

I think I just lost myself when the Black Eyed Peas showed up to open for U2. Wish I could have gotten a better picture, but this one just captures the craziness of the evening!

Gustavo Dudamel at the Hollywood Bowl earlier this month. I had the great privalege of going to the free concert at the Hollywood Bowl...he's amazing!

Jason and I at the Hollywood Bowl, enjoying wine, good company, fantastic music, and eagerly awaiting Gustavo's arrival!

Yep! That's me and Herbie Hancock! This picture is for you, Dad!

It's been quite a month! (Part 1)

The Black Eyed Peas opening song at the U2 Concert! We were definitely in for a treat. Then Slash showed up and we really went crazy!

Everything and Nothing

Hello? Anyone still reading this?

You ever have so much to say you just don't know where to begin? And suddenly when you feel like talking, you clam up because suddenly you don't want to talk about anything, feeling overwhelmed with all that's going on in your life? It would just be easier for the other person in the room to talk so you can escape from your world for a little while?

Welcome to my world.

October has been a whirlwhind of events. Three trips to Washington in a month, concerts, plays, a funeral, Matt's career talking off, moving possibilities, the talk of starting a family...my brain can't keep up. Just when I thought I might have time to process everything over vacation last week, I got food poisoning on our 8th wedding anniversary. Joy! So now my appetite is gone, and I have to force myself to eat and drink water. More joy! But it's not all bad. Yes, it's overwhelming, but it's nothing I can't handle. And now that I'm home, with hubby, everything seems to be settling down. For a short while. Then he's off to WA again for location scouting for 10 days next month and while I could go up for a few days, I think I need a month to go by where I don't get on a plane.

Pictures to be posted from past events soon, I promise. Just give me a few more days. I appreciate your patience and words of support.

So much to say!

But I don't have time or the energy, frankly, to go over it in detail, so here's some highlights:

-Matt lost his job at Epic Level due to funding issues;

-Matt's grandfather died so we're heading up to Olympia tomorrow for the funeral;

-Crazy cat had dental surgery and has recovered beautifully;

-In-laws are pretty well settled in their new place in Turkey, only to fly back to WA days later;

-Both of my jobs are insane, but that's the way I like it.  Perhaps there's a raise in my future;

-8th wedding anniversary is on 10/20.  Where has the time GONE?  Oh, who cares, it gives us an excuse to go to the Oregon Coast and live it up for a few days.  

-I joined Matt's church.  I think.

-Grateful for my awesome girlfriends who have helped me keep my sanity over these last few nutty months.

-Have gotten addicted to the following shows:  Weeds, Drop Dead Diva, Army Wives, Project Runway, and desperately waiting for LOST season 5 to come out on DVD.

-Oh, and did I mention that my picture (and Paige's too) got in the LA Times?  See picture number 16!  

Yo from Evergreen State

I went to Pacific Lutheran University, a small liberal arts (and obviously Lutheran) college in Tacoma, Washington. Eleven years later, my little sister is off to college and she chose Evergreen State College, a very liberal college in Olympia, our state's capitol and with a reputation of being a bit odd. Having now spent some time here and hearing Katie talk about the community, I think that this is the perfect place for her. And at Evergreen they really push for taking care of your environment, they have an organic farm, require that all students recycle, and the campus is aiming to be waste-free by 2020. I think that's pretty amazing. I did express to Katie that maintaining this kind of lifestyle to this degree will be hard when she leaves campus, but she already knew that, and is just excited to learn as much as she can.

It's been great to meet some of her suite-mates, to see these baby-faced kids so excited and enthused about learning and about their futures. The gal across the hall, Audrey, her ultimate goal is to be a tree-hugger and to save the whales. My thought was "Well, you're at the right place then." It's so not my place. I needed structure and grades at that age, hell, I still do. I think it takes a certain kind of student and person to succeed here, and I think my kid sister is just the type to make the most out of her time here.

Yesterday we went shopping for 10 hours, and spent 5 more today, getting supplies and all kinds of stuff for her to cram into her single/single room. It's been fun, tiring, and interesting, seeing things from her perspective. I am so stinkin' proud of her!

Why am I still hanging out here in a dorm room that is in a bulding that looks like it was made for public housing in Philadelphia? Because Interstate 5 at this hour would be much much worse than listening to my sister sing along to Sublime and un-pack her stuff...

...I gotta go. I guess it's time for me to get to work and put together her "steam buddy".

Old Friends and Lots of Laughs

Tonight I had a fantastic time with old friends. Matt, Phil, Curt and I all went to PLU together. Phil, Curt and I lived in Hinderlie for at least 2 years, and many of my freshman year memories involve hanging out with those guys and their roommates, Jeff and Shawn. Phil happened to be in San Diego for a conference and very generously offered to drive up to see us for dinner.

I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. We shared memories and cracked stupid jokes, predicted what Curt's daughter, Lyla, will be like in 21 years, and created new memories. The setting was perfect - Bucca de Beppos (if you haven't been, you must go) - and again, we laughed incredibly hard. I hung back and let the guys do most of the talking which was fun. I realized how long it had been since I was the only girl in the group, and I rather enjoyed it. Well, that's not true. Lyla was there, and she was quite a scene stealer at 7 months old.

In any case, the night couldn't have gone better. And now that I'm full of Italian food and gelato, it's time for bed. That much laughter takes a lot out of me!

Thanks, guys (and gal) for a wonderful evening!

Life Lessons Essay

Most of you know that I wanted to enter this contest for Real Simple Magazine. The subject was "When did you realize that you were a grown-up?" I knew instantly what I would write about, and had all summer to work on it. I ripped out the essay advertisement and kept it on my desk to remind myself to get to work. And of course, each day that went by I'd think "Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll start the process." (If you're curious, I wrote about the death of my mom.)

Not so much.

Fast forward to last Friday. Deadline is Labor Day, four days away! I write out what happened, but there's no emotion involved, it only listed the events of what happened. Matt it's ok, but that I need to tell my story. As I get feedback from my friends who are writers, I hear the same thing. So I dive a little deeper, and get more involved. But my emotional core is still locked tight. This isn't a place I want to go, mostly because it's hard to get back to center when I'm in that place. So, Labor Day arrives and the essay still isn't ready. So I sit at Matt's desk and he helps me edit and tighten up the phrases. I crack, I start to sob, and walk away, telling him that I just need a break.

And then, ahead of time, it's done. I get ready to send the essay. I type out "please consider this essay blah blah blah" and press send. Done!

The email bounces back.

I re-send. Bounced back. Again. Bounced back.

WHA???

I hop on the phone. Call customer service. Closed because it's Labor Day. Freaking out and over-emotional, I get into bitch mode and twitter about what's going on and does anyone know someone at Real Simple mag?

Enter co-worker Meghann. VP of Publicity and awesome at Roadside. She gives me an email address to one of the associate editors. YAY! I email the contact explaining how I got her email address and could she forward my essay on? Thank you! Ah, relief.

I call customer service this morning. They tell me I wasn't the only person having trouble and here's the alternative email address you can send your essay to. YAY! So I email my essay to that address and send another to the A.E. to please disregard my last email and thanking her for her time.

I would love to share this essay with you, but contest rules clearly state that upon submission the essay becomes property of the magazine. I don't want to risk publishing it because I could be disqualified.

That said, I think writing this essay has helped me move on to the next stage of grief, whatever that is. I know that whether I win or don't, the point is that I did it...

...

But I still want to win!

Smokey

We do live in Glendale, but we are safe from the forest fires. The Station fire has to jump the 210 freeway, another hill, and a bunch of houses before we need to be concerned, and I don't think that will happen. I am very grateful for experienced fire fighters who are doing the very best they can.

The air is gross, the smoke combined with smog makes for painful sore throats and a little dizziness, and combined with the heat...well, it's just safe to say that we're living indoors with the a/c on all the time now. The sun is an eerie red tonight, and the thick layer of smoke is just plain gross. I can't believe we have to breathe that air into our lungs.

Home!

I got back late last night from a rousing trip to Seattle. I had a great time and stayed busy, visiting with family and friends. I will write more later, but I just wanted to let everyone know that we are so far, safe from the forest fires. When we flew in last night, we could see the fires from the air and it was quite scary. I overheard another passenger say that those flames could be 100 feet high! I'm not sure if that's true, but there was one patch that seemed...well, angry. Bursting with orange, red, and a little bit of yellow, it seemed to grow in size right before our eyes.

Outside it's hot and dry. I had dreams about things catching on fire last night and us evacuating with just our cats and clothes. It occurred to me that we wouldn't know where to go should that happen. A hotel for a night or two, probably. We aren't in the fires path, there's another hill before we have to be too concerned, but the air quality is pretty nasty so we'll be leaving the a/c on for awhile. It smells like we have a campfire in our backyard, which would be great if it were actually a contained campfire and the air didn't look consistently foggy.

I won't be renewing my monthly membership at the outdoor pool anytime soon, not until the air clears up. The warnings state that we have to not exert ourselves outside, drink plenty of water, and to be inside with air-conditioning. I think we can manage that!

Traveling Girl

I travel. Alot. Every two months I go up to Seattle for work, get to see my Dad and my sister, and hang out with family and friends. Many of my friends here in L.A. gaffaw at the image of the air miles I've racked up, saying "I can't believe how much you travel!" and sometimes I do too. It can be annoying, packing and unpacking, living out of a suitcase. I don't like being away from Matt so much, and all this travel does tire me out. I have to take a few days upon returning home to settle back into my life here. And most of you have heard my complaints at time that going up North means that I also have to deal with drama-mama. I don't think anyone ever looks forward to drama.

That being said, I don't have a traditional life. I don't work a traditional job with traditional hours. My husband is a writer, and I guess you could say I'm kind of a contractor at this point. The jobs that I've had, and the work that I am currently doing, they are all helping me meet my goal, which is to eventually run a bed and breakfast. It is really exciting for me to finally have a sense of direction, to know that what I am doing now will pay off in a big way later on in my life. The fact that I have 2 jobs in this economy is pretty darn good, I'd say, and rather than thinking of "Gawd, I have to travel to Seattle again, " I'm going to start thinking of it as "Guess what? I get to go to Seattle and see my family and friends on a regular basis. How awesome is that?" Because truly, it is awesome. I have friends who don't get to see their loved ones on a regular basis, not even once a year. I am blessed to have this opportunity because it won't be around forever, so I may as well take advantage of it while I can. An extra bonus is that I meet all kinds of interesting people. I met a VP of Disney and a former trustee of a Pasadena Museum. I wonder who I'll meet tonight?

Guess what I get to do tonight? Travel to Seattle.

And next month? I'll head up for a quick few nights to help Katie shop for and move into her dorm at Evergreen State College in Olympia. Freshman year is a big deal, and I'm glad I am around to help during this transition.

October? Heading up for a week to visit with Dad, go to the family cider press, and head to Gearhart, Oregon for 3 lovely nights to celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary.

Christmas? The only way you'll get me on a plane is if my in-laws are visiting from Istanbul. :D A girl has to set her boundaries at some point!

I am traveling. On a plane and within my life. Aren't we all?

Confused

August is always a tough month for me. It's full of birthdays and celebration of life, but always seems to be overshadowed by another event. And it's why I haven't blogged much lately. I'm confused by my thoughts and feelings, trying to sort them out, but I get frustrated and stop.

Last Saturday was so much fun. We met up with a bunch of friends at Malibu Family Wines, drank excellent wine and ate good food. The company was fabulous and the after-party was equally entertaining. Rock Band at the Early's, what could be better?

I bring this up because my friend Dave asked me what was on my mind and I said, without missing a beat, "My Mom". And he looked surprised, and Katy, who was standing next to me, put her hand on my back in a soothing manner, and I continued with "I'm not sad, I just miss her." And that's just it. I am missing her every single day. I think of her all the time. Sometimes with anger and sadness because she was taken away too soon, but sometimes with happiness and awe, that I got to have her as my Mom, I was that lucky to have her in my life in such an amazing way.

I get tired of talking about it. I am sure that people sometimes get tired of hearing or reading about it. But I'm also getting pretty good at reading people, and can tell very quickly if they don't want to hear about it, so I quickly change the subject. I'm not offended, sometimes they are tired of the subject and/or fret because they don't know what to say. And that's alright. This is ultimately my own journey through grief and it's up to me to figure it out. I am so incredibly grateful for my amazing support of friends and family. I don't know where I'd be without you guys.

I've been reading old blog posts from 2006 and 2007 to help dig up old memories about the experience for this essay that I'm writing. First prices is three grand and two round-trip-tickets to NYC plus lunch with the magazine editors. I doubt I'll win, but why not try? Maybe this is what I need to do to move on with my grieving process. I feel stuck and I don't like it. But at least I can open that recipe box now without bursting into tears.

I can't help myself

I am missing her today, of course, of all days. Memories are flooding my brain, emotions are running high.

These days don't happen too often anymore, but this particular week, for the past few years, has been especially rough, and luckily every year I seem to be getting a little better. Progress, I guess.

I won't let the anger and sadness overwhelm me today, but I'll let them settle somewhere. I have fun plans today, and I'm going to do my very best to not let them get in the way of me having a good time.

And I have the greatest husband, who listens to me, even in the wee hours of the morning.

My idea of a good birthday...

Swim in the morning... (maybe)

Massage...

Work, and my yearly review (yay)...

Dinner at the Tam O'Shanter...

Movie - Julie and Julia...

Time with hubby...

It's been a wonderful 30th year, full of growth and realizations. At this moment, I love my life, I love my friends and family. 31 will be a good year. I can tell.

Journey of Emotions

Since my last blog post about depression, I've actually been doing quite well. Denial helps, so do distractions with work, movies, and cooking. I have been sleeping more, feeling exhausted for pretty much no reason. But at least I know what to expect now. I was talking with Paige about this earlier, and she reminded me how far I've come. That the first anniversary I was so upset and crying all the time, and that last year I was just really angry and pissed. This year I think it's a mix of both, but I am far less emotional. I don't know if I'm just keeping it all in, or if I'm just doing my absolute best to accept the truth, accept that she's not around anymore, and move on. I can't tell. Maybe after this month, I'll know. When you're in it, it's difficult to see clearly.

I have been feeling good for many reasons. I really enjoy my job at Roadside. It's challenging in many ways, mostly because I suck at numbers. My cousin Gus, who works for a high-profile accounting type firm, said the great thing about working with numbers is that at the end of the day, it all has to add up properly or you know something is wrong. I remember that advice every time I go into work. And as far as my other job goes, they are certainly keeping me busy. I have lots to do today, and most of it involved sitting at my computer and getting caught up with projects. Matt had a job interview last week for a writer's assistant position, and that was exciting! We'll find out next week if he got the job. He also got re-hired at Epic Level, which is wonderful, and he is getting paid to write, which is the best part. I'm really proud of him.

I'm also more committed to swimming and getting healthy. I may always have hips and thighs the size of small tree trunks, but I also remind myself that I've lost 25 pounds during the last 2 years and have managed to keep it off. I went from a size 14 to a size 8/10 (depending on the brand of clothing), and I think that's pretty good! Now it's all about toning, and when I work out, the stress level goes down, I sleep better and I am more conscious about what I eat. It all balances out, and I am starting to feel a little better about the body I have. Working with my curves can be fun and not a challenge. I have to remember that.

All in all, I'm ok. Not bad, not super-duper-happy. But I am satisfied. In talking with Jenny last night, I realized how much I love my life, and our life. Kids will come along eventually, but for now, I'm overall very happy with where I'm at.

P.S. My in-laws leave for Istanbul very very soon! Greg takes off on Tuesday (yes, meaning 8/11, like in 3 freaking days) and Nancy leaves 8/20. Can you believe it?

It's that time of year...

...and so the battle with depression begins.

The signs are always the same. Lack of energy, always wanting to sleep, not wanting to do anything, but feel lonely because I'm NOT doing anything. (Matt's not home until Monday, so it's really quiet around here.)

Three years ago yesterday I flew up to Seattle to help take care of Mom and within three weeks she was gone. The shock of her in a wheelchair, unable to use even a walker, and her voice and surprise as she saw me in the living room that day...images are continually flooding my memory and I struggle to not cry throughout the day.

Every year, I always hope that I'll feel better around the end of July, that it won't be so bad, but it just is, and I have to just let the feelings wash over me while still living my life, and it's not easy. This is my grieving process and no matter what anyone says, no matter how many times I hear the words "You have to get over this", for me, it's easier said than done. Grief is a process and some days, some months, even some years are better than others.

It sucks. It just plain old SUCKS.

Today I broke down at work, not expecting too...poor Katy just asked me how I was doing and I launched in as the big alligator tears came spilling out. Crying is bad enough, but at work or in public just feels so embarrassing. She kidnapped me to lunch and I felt better after a hearty lunch with a side of root beer. But by the time I got home, I was feeling sad and sleepy again, so I ate and took a nap. I'm going out dancing with Katy tonight, even though my brain is fighting me. It wants another pity party. But I'm refusing.

It's complicated.

It's just that time of year.

Pictures from our trip to Cambria

Our fabulous picnic at Kelsey Winery. We couldn't resist opening up 2 cold bottles of wine, it was hot that day!

Panoramic shot of Moonstone Beach in Cambra. It was such a windy day. I forgot how long my hair was and it got so tangled on the beach and in their rented convertible!

Dinner at FC McClintocks at Sunset in Pismo Beach. Gorgeous! The food and company were equally amazing!

Cool shadow shot.

We had such a great time sharing our favorite area of California with Brie and Steve. I hope they can come back soon!

Quick Update:

My in-laws are moving to Turkey next month;

We are going to Comic Con in San Diego next weekend (I think);

Matt is going to Seattle at the end of July to help the folks pack up;

I think we're getting their sofa, chair, ottoman, camping gear, super scrabble, and a few more boxes of odds and ends;

I'll be up in Seattle at the end of August, hopefully able to make it to Ben and Rita's mystery party extravaganza;

Still have baby on the brain;

It's hotter than hell here in Glendale, having trouble sleeping at night because of the heat and pondering the purchase of a portable air conditioner;

Haven't been exercising, been quite lazy actually, need to get back on track;

Both jobs are crazy busy, which is good, I like being busy, helps me not waste (too much) of my time;

I turn 31 in 4 weeks? Really?

(Pictures of last week's trip to the California Coast will be next, I promise.)

Out of Town? Again?

It seems all we do is travel!

Hm, let's see...the start of this year we were in Seattle...followed by four lovely months of not ever getting on a plane!

Thank goodness for air miles. And helpful kitty sitters.

Tomorrow we head to Cambria, a trip we've had planned for several months now. Steve and Brie are already there, celebrating their anniversary. We'll be staying at a new b&b just half a mile from their rental house. It will be a fun challenge staying within our very strict budget. I am also looking forward to sharing one of our favorite spots with good friends.

I can also tell you that I am sick of plane rides and the convertible that Steve and Brie rented will be a welcome opportunity to feel a little more free during our travels around San Luis Obispo County. :)

Bon Voyage to KT who's traversing the East Coast now, to Gayvin for braving NYC in the summer, to Katy & Jeremy attending DragonCon in Atlanta, and to our friends who are heading to Germany in September! (See, I'm not the only one who has the travel bug!)

Lack of Communication

I'm a talker. Always have been. Matt says there are no strangers for me, only new friends, which is a very nice way of saying I'm a chatterbox. :) But I do have the ability to recognize signals when people are done chatting, and I can also end a random conversation easily, unlike some members of my family *cough*.

Where I notice my lack of communication is on the bus to and from work. Everyone has their iPods plugged in, mp3 players, reading the paper or a book. A packed bus full of people at rush hour is compeltely silent. It's weird. And I'm one of them. I don't want to talk to anyone at the end of the day. I'm tired, my brain is full, and I really just want to eat. (It didn't help that on my first bus ride home I got 2 requests for my phone number from strange men.)

So, for about 80 minutes on M/T/W, I don't talk to anyone. I happily plug my earphones in, and listen to podcasts like Savage Love, This American Life, and Fresh Air. Sure, you can ask me what time it is, where this bus goes, and that you like my shoes. But please don't ask me for my phone number or email address. And avoid the seat next to me if you smell. I have a sensitive gag reflex and just might throw up on you (hasn't happened yet but I came close last week).

I heart Stephen Colbert