Rambling

I'm trying somthing new. Through google email, I can actually type a document and publish it directly through my blog rather than logging into the blogger site. We'll see if it looks halfway decent and actually works. (It didn't.)

Last night was acting class and it went really well. I had a breakthrough. Even though I am a very emotional person I've been working very hard at staying in control, which has been detrimental to my acting. I just hold it all in and "act" my way through it which is something Cliff has been trying to get me to stop since I started class in November of 2005. Finally, last week, during taping, after a terrible first take, he asked me why I kept "acting" so frustrated and angry throughout the entire scene. I could only say "I just want....I mean, I...." and then burst into tears. Then the cameras rolled, and I had a breakthrough. It felt really good. I'm on the next step, finally something has clicked.

It's odd, grieving the loss of a parent. I mean, grieving is one thing. I have grieved grandparents, relatives I barely know, and colleagues of my parents. None of my friends have died, no children I know, no Aunts or Uncles. So to lose someone that I was so close to, it's the hardest thing I've ever done, to try and accept it. And last night Cliff started talking about death, and for the second time in a row, in class, I just burst into tears. I haven't been crying lately. I don't cry at home or even at therapy. For some reason, class is the place where it just comes out. And my eyes are puffy this morning, but I don't feel so sad right now. I'm sure that will come up again the week after next, when we start a whole new session.

One last thing - one of my favorite blogs is written by Molly. She has a way with words and even pictures that is refreshing and thoughtful. She lets us into her life with tidbits of info, and always making me wonder what she'll have to say next.

Going to my head

For those of you who haven't seen the haircut, I look like a pixie now. I cut it in September, much to my dismay, when I went in for a trim he cut it SHORT. Long story short, 5 months later and in 2007 it's finally where I want it. Cute, sassy, and pixie like. Matt loves it, family loves it, friends love it, it's going to my head. But I have to say, I love it too (finally).

scary

There is a man yelling in the apartment below, something about "I can't believe this!" and crying and screaming and moaning. It's kind of psychotic actually. I'm not sure if it's real or he's a talented actor, but it's really freaking me out.

A few strange things

1. I went to get my hair done yesterday, and stopped in at the coffee shop next door to get some lunch. The lady at the counter asked if it was to go or if I was going to eat in the shop. I said I was going to get my hair done, and she said I could go next door and she'd bring it over! I was kind of surprised, I mean, that wasn't necessary, and I told her so. Apparently it's normal between these two businesses. So I took my lunch over myself, totally amazed at the random hospitality she offered me.

2. Today I went to Fred 62 for lunch with Matt and the Editor of Gamers 2, and we were taken care of by a very sweet waitress. She had an eastern european accent that reminded us of a vampire, and Dan kept saying to us that he really wanted her to bite him in the neck. She was cute, but I thought that was a strange desire. To each his/her own, I guess.

History

It's so interesting to go back a few years and read old posts. How naive I was about that dreadful job at the temple of doom, how well mom was doing, how homesick I was when I first moved here. The strains and joys of the past few years. Sometimes I forget how capable I am, how capable my friends and family are, of amazing things. We are stronger than we think. And I'm a little happier now, at this moment, knowing that if I can get through all that previous stuff, then my life now isn't so bad.

Sleeeeepyyyyyyyy

Tell me who is more exhausted. I'm taking a poll. I vote for the human. He just got back from the mall with his wife and spent hours shopping among crowds and screaming kids (we picked the wrong time to go on a Saturday - it was naptime).

I'm a officially a grown up

I'm so grown up now. Why, you ask? Because I'm excited about the new vaccum cleaner I got for Christmas. It's not just any vaccum cleaner. It's a robot. A roomba to be exact. And I love it. I'm vaccuming 2x a week now. All I do is push a button and off it goes. :D

Better

After 6 days of coughing, sneezing, and other fun things that come with being sick with a nasty cold, I'm finally better. So I went to boot camp yesterday morning and was so exhuasted I took a 3 hour nap and then slept 10 hours last night. And I'm still tired. Did I over do it? Maybe. My legs are like lead - I can barely move, but I'll get back into the swing of things, and before I know it I'll be able to run a marathon, or at least around the track once before stopping to walk and pant like a dog. I'm so out of shape. It's pathetic.

In my hometown of Seattle, it's been snowing like crazy. I don't know if ya'll have heard (and that y'all is thanks to Mary, my friend from Texas. She's had an influence on me) but it's been snowing like mad. Lows of 20 or lower and the highs are only in the 30s. Now before those of you from the midwest say "oh, you are such wimps, it's only snow!", consider that Seattle is a very hilly city and dangerous to drive when icy. Schools shut down only after a few inches, people stay home from work, it's crazy. But when you're a kid, what better way to spend a snow day than my sister did - going up to Whistler to snowboard.

And a very happy belated birthday to Jenny. I hope it was happy!

Second Round

I'm sick, again, this time with laryngitis. It really hit me yesterday, go figure that yesterday was also my first day of acting class and I had a yelling scene. Don't worry, I can still talk. My voice is just raspy and a little sexy. Hehe.

I have been thinking about Mom quite a bit these days. About motherhood in general and how I'm feeling about my friends who are moms and who are pregnant. And while I am so happy for them, there's a tiny bit of jealousy (sometimes not so tiny) that their kids get their moms, that they get to be the Mom and nurture their children. Granted, I take the 2 year old thought sometimes in thinking "It's not fair!" but all of the Moms that I know are good moms, so in the long run, I'm not so jealous. But if I don't respond and oogle over your adventures as motherhood, it's just because I'm missing being mothered by my mom.

Playing hostess

Stephanie/Paige is in town until Tuesday which is why I haven't written in awhile. She arrived last Wednesday and we took off for Santa Barbara wine country for 2 days, went to a wedding reception, and spent today in Venice Beach. Tomorrow is the fashion district downtown, and Tuesday night she leaves. :( We'll definitely go to Rodeo drive, maybe even Malibu.

I'll write more details after she leaves. Right now I just want to enjoy her being here. We're having a great time.

Resolutions

Okay, thanks to Jenny, I now feel the need to post my new years resolutions because maybe that way I'll accomplish at least one or two of them.

1. Exercise three times a week (which is going to happen when bootcamp starts next Monday);

2. Eat less sugar, more protein and fresh veggies/fruits. Only one junk food day allowed.

3. Eat out only once a week, or not at all;

4. More date nights with hubby;

5. Keep in better touch with family and friends;

6. Pick my battles;

7. READ books, not just skim through in order to get a vague idea;

8. Get books from the libary. I can't afford them and my bookshelf is full. I don't have room in this apartment for another one;

9. I'm a grown up. Need to be asleep at this time. Go to bed earlier. Preferably before midnight.

I think that should do it. Wish me luck!

Ugh

I have been sick for 3 days so that's why I haven't written anything. First day was feel like poo day, yesterday was cough and sneeze day, today is blow my nose day. I've slept a total of 22 hours in 2 days. I think it was that nasty cold weather in Seattle and the fact that we were both run ragged during our visit. Not that we didn't enjoy seeing everyone, but we didn't really get a chance to rest.

Tonight we are not going out. We'll let everyone else go out and get drunk for us. We have a nice bottle of wine chilling in the fridge (which will taste better than nyquil and still do the trick) and will watch the ball drop on t.v. Aren't we exciting?

Holiday (not so much)

1. Every minute of my time is spoken for. I love seeing everyone, and spending quality time, but ever since we arrived last Friday I haven't had a moment to myself and now I'm starting to get cranky and pissy, and for those of you who I will be seeing in the next few days, I apologize in advance. :)

2. Of course, this holiday sucks without mom. She is the peacemaker and without her everyone seems to be on edge. It's just not the same. I think if she was here I wouldn't have had a wonderful and fun dinner with Julia and Dustin (Matt's sister and her boyfriend) at Peking restaurant in Puyallup, one of the few times I've felt free during this vacation.

3. No Christmas tree, no milk and cookies, had to hang the stockings myself, on Christmas this year. It was so different the past holidays weren't even comparable.

Sorry to complain, but I need everyone to understand where I'm at and where I'm coming from. In some ways, in many ways actually, I can't wait to go HOME to L.A. Where it's just Matt and me, and our kitties, and our life together.

Party Girl

Such a cute little hussy!

1 week

And we're off to the Northwest. I can't believe time has passed so quickly. Matt is currently finishing a draft that he's been working on all semester, and tomorro is his last day of school for 3 weeks. Sometimes I forget how hard he is working, and how many risks he's taking by wanting to be a writer for the rest of his life. He's so brave to want to turn his art into a career. That's something I could never do. Just give me community theater and I'm a happy camper.

A good friend of ours is in town and will be staying with us for a few days. And look for pictures in the next few days from last Saturday night, a dinner party where we played Quelf, and all hell broke loose...

From Jenny

Year of life

Brie is due at the end of January! It's a girl, but for privacy's sake I won't mention the name they have selected. Have to keep some things a surprise.

And to add on to the exciting news, another one of my dearest friends is due in June. She and her husband are very excited to welcome their parakeet in 2007. :)

Hopefully another friend or 2 will be due next year as well. You know who you are, and have fun trying!

Congratulations to Jenny and Brie. I am so happy for you!

Scrooge

This is normally my favorite time of year. However, because of reasons that I'm sure I don't have to mention, I am anti-holiday this year. I want nothing to do with trees, decorations, christmas carols, commercials...bah humbug! It's a constant reminder of what I will be missing this year, never mind the fact that tv stations are constantly running advertisement for breast cancer research and/or foundations. :P Again, it didn't work for my family, I've lost my mother, so please have some sensitivity and stop bothering me! So I just switch the channel or turn off the radio/tv all together. I've pretty much stopped watching tv at this point. Thank goodness for TiVo recording America's Next Top Model last night. Not only did I get to fast forward through the commercials :P but Caridee beat that snotty Melrose.

Dream dream dream

I had the best and worst dream last night. I am filled with regret and home, sadness and happiness, and yet I'm so ready to burst into tears right here and now. Matt says it's a wish fulfillment dream, showing me what I really want.

I dreamed that Mom was alive and well, that she had woken up during some sort of service, but no one cared to call me. I found out when I flew home for Christmas. I even said to someone, "Am I dreaming?" and Mom said "No, why?" to which Katie responded "I'll tell you later." I even said that someone should pinch me to make sure I wasn't dreaming, and they did and it hurt, but I didn't wake up.

I'm now filled with this sense of false hope and incredible sadness that when I go home she'll be there. And she won't. And now that the tears are falling, I need to go get some kleenex.

So sleepy

I'm exhausted. It's why I haven't been writing much. Today I'm forcing myself to stay awake because I need to sleep well tonight. I am getting up very early tomorrow morning to go support Amanda at her karate test at 8am. She's trying to get her orange belt. I hope she gets it. I know she's been working hard. So I'm hoping to sleep well and go to bed early. Since I start bootcamp on Monday, I need to start going to bed early anyway. I'll be going 3x a week next week and the week after, and then the next week I'll go 4x. Hopefully I'll be in some sort of better shape by the time the holidays roll around.