Last weekend was opening weekend and it was amazing. It felt so good to be on stage again, and the comradary amongst the actors and crew was incredible. Saturday I delivered my best performance yet, thanks to an earlier melt-down in which I had to brace myself to stop crying. I saved the rest of the misery for the show, and whammo. Just nailed it. I felt better. Or so I thought.

Sunday I woke up tired. My voice was groggy. I slept in as much as I could and then headed off to the theater. I still felt sad. And I couldn't place it. So I tried to use it again for the show, but it felt small and, well, like acting.

Today it's muggy. And raining. Gray and cloudy. My mood hasn't shifted. And I've been feeling many things. Saturday I cried because I just randomly missed Mom. Sunday I was sad because opening weekend was done. And today? I thought it might be the shift in weather. That I miss the sun, that I miss the beach, and my favorite restaurants. And then it hit me. I really miss Los Angeles.

Maybe I don't miss the city persay. I don't miss the nasty air, and the clogged traffic. I don't miss the feeling that I'm fat and whalish because I'm not tall or a size 4. I don't miss the noise, the crowds, the traffic. But I miss my friends. I really miss my friends. I am lonely. And while I love my husband, and enjoy spending our time together, especially on the way to and from work every weekday, I miss being social on a regular basis. I miss potlucks and guitar hero. I miss movies, and drinks, and crepes, swimming in an outdoor pool, random barbeques, wine country adventures, and all the other things Los Angeles had to offer. I realize that I've not been available to do these things. I know my life has changed. (Not to mention rehearsals 5 or more days per week for the last six weeks.) And I know my friends here in Tacoma/Seattle have their own lives, and plans. I get that, I really do. But I just feel lonely. Am I not reaching out enough? Probably. I guess what I need to do is figure out how my California self is going to fit in to the Washington lifestyle. Into this new life that I am building for myself and with my hubby.

But first, I'm going to be sad about not being in California. Just for a little while. It's strange, it feels like homesickness.

Sometimes...

...I wish I didn't care so much. A friend of mine is going through what I went through about 4 years ago. It's not that I'm being flooded with memories and that my grief is overwhelming me once more. It's that someone I care about is in pain, and there is nothing I can do for them.

...I wish I didn't look towards the future with a heavy heart. I miss my positive attitude these days. And while on the outside I'm happy and perky, inside I feel like I'm about to explode. I really need to start exercising again.

...I wish my self-confidence didn't have anything to do with other people's approval of me. That I could just believe in myself on my own.

...I wish I didn't get so easily distracted.

...I wish I could just go out and take what I want, instead of saying "Oh, that's 10 years down the road..."

But in spite of all of this, I am happy, and very joyful to be part of a production again. Opening night is just a week away, and I am so excited to see how everything is coming together. It's going to be a fabulous show.

gut wrenching

I got to a place during last night's rehearsal that was quite unexpected. I was so close to crying, my eyes were watering. I could barely pull myself together at the end. But I didn't cry, and so now I am left with this feeling of just wanting to cry so I can get it out of my system. I worked myself up into such a fervor, but had nowhere to put it. I need to get it out so I can enjoy my weekend!

Exhaustion

It's rare that I'm in bed before 11:30pm on weeknights.

And when you get up at 5:30am, suddenly that alarm clock is deafening, and you wonder what the hell you're doing, getting up so early in the morning. "Just a few more minutes", you think. Caffeine no longer seems to help, and it's all you can do to just get through the day.

Even rehearsals, that I generally look forward to, are now testing me in ways that I had forgotten about and/or ways I didn't think was possible. My old self is creeping out with attachments and anxiety, perfection and defensiveness. Maybe it will be good for my character, who knows.

I really don't like this cranky, testy personality.

But I guess one good thing, in all of this, is that PJ is no longer peeing on the carpet in the hall.