Survival Mode

I have many reasons to be in this mode, most of which for what my husband is going through right now with his family. My mother gave me some wise advice when I got married - "Protect your in-laws." And that's what I'll do, but it's safe to say that I'm worried for Matt and his family. I'm not sure what will happen, I have never been in this situation before. Matt is in Seattle now, and I can only support him in what he chooses to do from here on out. If you pray, please pray for his family. If you send loving/supportive thoughts/energy, please do so. I'm worried.

As for me, I'm in survival mode for other things too. Personal things that are slowly being uncovered and I don't want to get into on the internets. I am still mad, still angry, still pissy and moody. Not a pleasant person to be around these days. I'm easily distracted and just want to escape. I think Cindy said it best in a blog post a few months ago - "I just don't feel like being responsible today." Except instead of one day, it's been many days and I need to keep going, to keep living.

I wish I could say more, but really I just wanted to get this out in the open, where I'm at and where I stand. I thoguht I'd get out of this mode in a few days but I think it will be a few weeks, maybe a month or more. I just have to ride this wave and see where it goes.

P.S. We did have some fun last night, thank goodness!

New SLO location!

To have my new blog as part of my upcoming website, I had to move it to wordpress. Sorry for the confusion but best I take care of this now rather than later on!

http://liveslo.wordpress.com.

Hope you'll visit soon!

I finally understand our economy's troubles!

The Crisis of Credit Visualized from Jonathan Jarvis on Vimeo.

Thanks to Katy for posting this video in the first place! :)

Mood

I'm just in a funk today. Nothing bad has happened. Went swimming at the fabulous outdoor pool with Gayvin, went to the farmer's market, picked up yummy veggies and had a delicious lunch. Pagie B came over for a bit and now I'm wandering the internets in search of something to help me feel better (this is why I don't keep snack food in the house -- emotional eating is not good for me). I don't really want to be around anyone now, don't want to talk about "it", just in a funk. I don't want anyone to make me feel better, I just want to let it pass without feeling the pressure to have to be perky and happy.

I hate this mood. Maybe I should go take a nap and see if that helps get rid of it.

Momentary Financial Panic

About once a month, I go through a momentary panic where I truly believe we're going to run out of money tomorrow, that no raises are coming, investors and managers won't sign Matt, movies won't get made and we'll be left in the dust, broke and heartbroken.

Yes, I'm being dramatic, but at midnight that's about the best I can do.

I worry that we'll have to move back to Seattle. I worry that we'll have to move in with my Dad or his folks and be reliant on others rather than ourselves. I worry that we'll never not be broke, that we'll never stop living paycheck to paycheck. I worry that I'll never stop worrying and yet I'm always hoping that maybe next month, maybe next year, things will be better.

I've been talking about how confident I am about our financial situation but the truth is I'm terrified. Really and truly. I don't know what's going to happen in the next few years. We want a house of our own, and a child. But there's this giant black cloud of graudate student loans in deferement that seems like it will never be paid off. Our monthly bills aren't completely covered, even though we have cut costs significantly. More than significantly. I guess I shouldn't have bought that domain for my new website. And I didn't really need red flats. Shouldn't have gone to Disneyland today (even though we got in for free). See how I make myself feel better? Ugh.

I have to get creative. I have to be confident in the (occasional) fun (on sale/clearance) purchases I do make while sticking to a strict budget. We have to cut our grocery bill even more, and look into buying bottled water rather than continuing with the water delievery service. We've already cut cable and his health insurance payments went down.

I don't meant to whine, but this is definitely a sign of the times. I want to look back on this time in our lives and be proud of the decisions and choices we made rather than thinking What the eff did we DO?

Updated New Blog

Hi Folks!

I've been posting on my new blog http://liveslo.blogspot.com. It's full of tips for travling to this wonderful place and also includes some handy travel tips in general, especially useful during this tough economic time. Please follow it and/or check it out when you can. I'd love to hear your thoughts and suggestions! Postings will be up every M/W/F.

Thanks in advance!

P.S. We went to Disneyland today. Pictures to come!

Going UP?

There is nothing like hiking up and up to tell you how out of shape you are (still). But I did better than I thought I would, and overall yesterday morning was a perfect day for a hike at the Los Angeles National forest. We didn't find our original destination - the waterfall. Instead we stayed on the fire road (did I mention the trail went UP). My calves are still feeling it this morning!

A family pic.

Beautiful views all the way UP.

Paige and Katy rock!

The Early girls.

At the top!

Productivity

I am very proud of myself these last few days. I've been working out, resting when needed, having fun when the time arises, and spending my "off" working on my website with Paige T and researching for my SLO blog.

I definitely don't feel useless anymore. :)

We also bought our tickets for Seattle next month. We are going to Emily's wedding, and I can't wait. It's sure to be a fun and classy affair, as that's Em's personality.

Pondering Thoughts

I am really loving my life these days.

The man and I are doing so well, I'm nourishing relationships and releasing tension from others. I'm just feeling GOOD. And I like it! I can't explain why. Maybe it has to do with finding my career path and spending time being creative. I've taken to posting a few articles a month for a friend's blog which has included spending more time writing and editing my work. That has been so helpful because soon, I'll have my own website with my own content and be working on my creative process every single day. How exciting! I've also created a profile on YELP to encourage me to write reviews on restaurants that Matt and I go to.

There are some friends that I'm sorely out of touch with. You know who you are, and I'm really sorry. I promise to call this week and check in.

Now if I could just get back on track with eating better, I think I could upgrade from "good" to "excellent"...the no-drinking-soda is helping...

Awwwww, Freak Out! (Just a little)

I'm having moments of momentary panic and anxiety.

The development of my future website and the strong resurgence of commitment to my travel blog, finally figuring out my path and direction in life, it's all overwhelming. Exciting, definitely, but overwhelming in such a way that all I want to do is walk (or sometimes run) from the office as fast and as far away as possible. I have searched long and hard for some sort of direction in my life in terms of my career, and it's always been here, just waiting to be pursued. It's funny how we don't notice those things right that are right in front of us, yelling and waving to be noticed and cultivated.

In any case, I'm trying very hard to not pepper Paige A. with loads of questions about what to do because she already told me on Sunday what needs to happen next. I just have to settle my anxiety by getting things done. I must force myself to stay in this char and make progress!

Please check out my new blog and let me know what you think. It's really not all that new, but I'm really determined to post 3x a week so that maybe, just maybe, I could get sponsorship. This is what I love to do, and I'm hoping you'll be as excited as I am.

http://liveslo.blogspot.com

A Few Good Days

Yesterday was so much fun. My good friend Cindy and I spent the enitre day together. I could not document it better than she did, but I can at least sum up what happened.

She mentioned in a recent blog post that she was not having a good day, and I jumped at the chance to take her out and have a girls day. By the time Saturday rolled around I wasn't in the best of spirits but by the time I got to her place and we were out for our 3 mile walk, I was feelign better. Listening to her talk, I realized how much I've missed spending time with Cindy 1-on-1. As she said, we often hang out in a group setting, and while that is fun, we often miss out on opportunities to connect on a deeper level. Cindy is so wise and thoughtful. She really thinks before she speaks which is a trait that I really admire. It felt good to re-connect with her and our friendship is definitely stronger for it.

After our walk, we were all sweaty and gross, so we quickly refreshed and headed off to the lovely air-conditioned mall. After a yummy lunch, we headed to Macy's for which we both had gift cards. I asked her where she wanted to start -- it was a total zoo -- and she grimaced as she said "Shoes." Shopping for shoes isn't her favorite thing, and on a Saturday, it's not mine either. We walked with some trepidation but determined to find her some cute, fun work shoes. And find we did! She walked away with a very cute and sassy pair, that could be easily dressed up or dressed down, good for work and play -- multipurpose pumps! I found a cute pair of red ballet flats on clearance and with our gift cards we spent a minimal amount of cash. We were very proud of us.

After shopping, I treated Don and Cindy to iced coffees with the rest of my gift card and then headed back to their house. Matt had spent an hour in ugly traffic getting home from a film seminar so after a wonderful conversation with the two of them, Don and Cindy graciously gave me a ride home. It was a wonderful opportunity to show them our new place, and they loved it! It really meant a lot to me that our friends loved our new home. We started watching the pilot of "Big Love" (which I highly reccomend, Matt and I are enjoying it so far), but were pleasantly interupted by Ben and Corrie dropping by for dinner! They were in town for a film festival. We walked over the 1 block to Zankou Chicken, a fabulous and cheap Lebanese/Aremenian fast food chain with great portions and equally great prices. We had a nice relaxing meal, catching up and talking about previous escapades in Washington. We headed back to our place, shortly after which Don had to bow out and go home. Poor guy. He wasn't feeling well and was such a trooper during the evening.

All in all, I wasn't intending to spend the entire day with friends but I'm so glad I did. I think all of us were boosted by the positive engery that we got from being together. As my Mom said the day after our wedding: "That was fun. Can we do that again?"

Today I spent the afternoon with Paige A. She is a new friend from Dallas that I met through Paige B. She is an incredibly talented graphic designer/illustrator/all-around-awesome-artist that is helping Matt and I build a website. Matt needs one for his writing career, and I've finally figured out what it is that I want to be doing so I won't feel so useless. I want to creat a tourism website for San Luis Obispo county. After talking with Paige B. who offered great advice after calming me down during my melt-down, I really thought about how I want to be spending my time. What would make me happy? What do I look forward to doing? So in my meeting today, I really got excited about what I will be able to offer the potential visitor to the SLO area. It was great fun. I have so much work to do and yet I am excited about getting this work done. I am terrified and excited at the same time, but I have a fabulous support system and a network of truly talented professionals that are just as excited about helping me create my vision. How could life feel any better at this very moment? I'm not sure how!